2009 (Albums Of The Year)

But first... My Top Five Gigs Of The Year.


5. The Airborne Toxic Event

4. Art Brut

3. Luke Haines

2. Morrissey

1. Blur


I guess this is the year the music press and I finally parted company. I flicked through both Mojo and Uncut's Best of 2009 countdowns and found them depressingly similar. Both had Merriweather Post Pavillion by Animal Collective at Number One, both found room for Bruce in the latter reaches of their Top 50, neither had anything to say about Morrissey or Jarvis. I tried to look at Q's list but they had a picture of Bono, Noel Gallagher and Paul McCartney on the cover (again) under the headline 'Artists Of The Century'. It was a gatefold cover. I flipped it open to discover some of their other Greatest Albums of the 21st Century included Coldplay, Gary Lightbody and Mark Ronson. There'll be blood on the WHSmith shelves tonight.

So the music press has become irrelevant to me. Or my tastes have become old and entrenched and predictable. Or both. I sort through my favourite albums of the year and only four of them are debuts. Fourteen are by artists I already own more than five CDs by. So this is a list that will hold few surprises to anyone who knows me... but on the other hand it's also been a year in which the majority of my favourite artists have put out new albums. I'm well aware that there are all manner of decent records out there that I just haven't got around to hearing yet. Records I might well fall in love with. Who knows, Merriweather Post Pavillion may even be one of them. The fact that the critics all adore it discourages me, but that's just my simple-minded prejudice.

I dunno. Maybe I'm getting complacent. Maybe I'm less likely to search out new records anymore. I don't think that's entirely true, I've discovered some interesting new artists over the last twelve months. Some (Reader's Wives, The Melting Ice Caps, Peter Parker) haven't actually released an album this year. Others (Napoleon, Jersey Budd) have, but one or two great tracks doesn't a classic make. There are only so many listening hours in the day and (rightly or wrongly) I'm always going to give priority to the old faithful. If that makes me a fogey, so be it.

Anyway, here's the list...


20. Idlewild - Post Electric Blues

"We've gone post-electric," sings Roddy Woomble on the title track, "I've written down the concept." Who would have thought that on their sixth album, Idlewild would rediscover melody and harmony? Quite, quite lovely in places.



19. The Handsome Family - Honey Moon

The previous Handsome Family album, Last Days Of Wonder, was in my Top 3 of 2006, so by contrast this was something of a disappointment. Rennie Sparks turns her considerable songwriting... hell, writing abilities away from short stories and vignettes, concentrating instead on descriptions of place, mood and atmosphere. Songs titled The Loneliness Of Magnets will always draw my attention though. I'm still waiting for that novel, Rennie.



18. Manic Street Preachers - Journal For Plague Lovers

Larissa over at Condemned To Rock n Roll is the world's biggest Manics fan, so its no surprise that this is her record of the year. I almost feel I'm betraying her by placing it so low on my own list, but I was never a fan of The Holy Bible (I know, I know, it's heresy!) so THB:Redux was never going to thrill me as much as it would a true Manics Maniac.



17. Florence & The Machine - Lungs

Is she a 21st Century Kate Bush or just another Bjork For Lashes wannabe? Time will tell. There are moments here that suggest legendary status awaits her... and then there's that dreadful Candi Staton cover that makes me stop the CD at track 12 every time I play it. Still, Kiss With A Fist remains the best song about abusive relationships since Luka, so we'll always have that.



16. Green Day - 21st Century Breakdown

Hanan over at Music Induced Euphoria, another music blogger whose opinion I respect greatly, says Green Day haven't made a good album since Dookie. Or was it Nimrod? Yes, their recent albums have been overlong, with too many po-faced political rants that verge on the U2 (though they're still far more listenable), but I dunno... they just make me smile. The cartoon punks who grew up.



15. Jarvis Cocker - Further Complications

I love Jarv so much, I don't believe it's possible for him to make a bad record. I still can't make up my mind about Further Complications though. The rockier sound worked well live, yet despite Steve Albini's production, on record it doesn't have quite the same impact. There's nothing here as coruscatingly epoch-defining as Running The World or Common People... but he's still got whatever 'it' is.



14. Richard Hawley - Truelove's Gutter

And so the Sheffield Sinatra records his very own In The Wee Small Hours, a record to listen to at 3am with a broken heart and a bottle of whiskey. Timeless. Any Major Dude With Half A Heart's album of the year.



13. Shirley Lee - Shirley Lee

Spearmint frontman Shirley Lee records his most personal album to date, with the whole band in support. I can't think of any other record that makes me cry like The Reservoir does. It's like Field Of Dreams in song. Just beautiful.



12. Thea Gilmore - Strange Communion

A Christmas album? Really? I've already tried to explain why Strange Communion is far more than a Christmas album, but the proof lies in puddings like this...



11. God Help The Girl - God Help The Girl

Imagine watching Dusty Springfield, Petula Clarke and Sandy Shaw in a musical written by Belle & Sebastian's Stuart Murdoch, performed in a Glasgow church. Now press 'play'.



10. Eels - Hombre Lobo

More 'keep going' anthems from the king of diamonds in despair, Mark 'E' Everett. If it ain't broke, why fix it?

Well when you're down
And all alone
There's always somewhere you can go
Here I am, a true friend
There's nothing gonna change over here on my end
Don't be scared, It's better shared
You know I always cared

I'm an every-thing's-all-righter
I'm a prizefighter

9. Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More

Who'd have thought that one of the coolest new bands of 2009 would be straw-chewing folk-revivalists? Over at Love Shack, Baby , my old pal Tarty Tart included this among her faves of the year... and then a debate kick off about whether the album features just too many damned creSCENDOS!!! Possibly. But I do like a good creSCENDO!!!!



8. Arctic Monkeys - Humbug

JC, The Vinyl Villain, found the third Monkeys album to be something of a let down, and others agreed. Roping in Queens Of The Stone Age for production duties proved a surprising sonic departure, but lyrically I found this record far more interesting than their previous one, My Favourite Worst Nightmare. Still not a patch on their debut, but what is?

Alex Turner really needs a haircut though.



7. Morissey - Years Of Refusal

Poor old Morrissey, he's not had a very good year. Collapsing on stage, getting bottled off, appearing With Adrian Chiles on The One Show... he must be in a right old mood about now. Still, that's good news for us, since a moody Morrissey is more likely to come back with a great album as revenge. The worst that can be said about Years Of Refusal is that I can't ever imagine it being anyone's favourite. One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell... but not just yet, eh Moz?



6. Art Brut - Art Brut Vs. Satan

In which Eddie Argos and co. continue to plough their way towards the top of the charts, battling the woefully indifferent record buying along the way. Eddie's back in January with the debut record from his other band, Everybody Was In The French Resistance... Now. Can't wait.

I read a rumour in a tabloid paper
You said something interesting, denied it later
There was no evidence, they couldn't make it stick
It's on Youtube now and then
But comes down pretty quick
So we stayed up and we argued all night
If we can't change the world
Let's at least get the charts right
The record buying public shouldn't be voting
The record buying public shouldn't be voting
How can you sleep at night
when nobody likes the music we like?
How am I supposed to sleep at night
when no one likes the music we write?
Record buying public - we hate them
This is Art Brut vs. Satan
Don't worry, we can take 'em!

5. Bruce Springsteen - Working On A Dream

Magic was my favourite album of 2007, and while Working On A Dream couldn't quite live up to that, it's hardly treading water. Opening with the 8 minute epic of Outlaw Pete, it goes on to play the pop card more blatantly than he has since Born In The USA. Some dismissed Queen Of The Supermarket and Surprise, Surprise as throwaway sunshine, but I found them to be real smilers. Then there's the heartbreaking double-whammy that closes the album - Danny Federici tribute The Last Carnival and the theme to Mickey Rourke's The Wrestler, which may well be the best song Bruce has written this decade. Not bad for an old guy.



4. Flight Of The Conchords - I Told You I Was Freaky

As I mentioned previously, my first impression of the second series of Conchords was that the songs weren't as strong. I seriously doubted whether the subsequent album would impress me as much as their debut... but it turns out I might even love it more. A good sign of how much I like a record is when I'm trying to think which track to include as a sample... and I'm torn between so many great options. Do I go with Roxanne parody You Don't Have To Be A Prostitute... the wonderful Rambling Through The Avenues Of Time which steals the melody from Billy Joel's Piano Man and the cod-bohemian attitude of Peter Sarstedt's Where Do You Go To My Lovely?...

She looked like a Parisian river...

(What, dirty?)

She reminded me of a winter's morning...

(Oh, frigid?)

She was comparable to Cleopatra...

(Quite old?)

She was like Shakespeare's Juliet...

(What, thirteen?)

Then there's Too Many Dicks On The Dancefloor (which if I didn't know better, I'd swear features Denis Franz in the video), My Humps parody Sugalumps, and the incomparable Carol Brown (directed by Michel Gondry).

In the end, I went with We're Both In Love With A Sexy Lady, which turns out to be a pisstake of a track by R Kelly and Usher that I'd never heard, but now find myself strangely drawn to.



There's some question as to whether the Conchords will return for a third series and album, but damn I'll miss them if they didn't.

3. The Airborne Toxic Event - The Airborne Toxic Event

I haven't seen TATE's debut album on any other Best Of 2009 list - was it originally released in '08, or am I the only one who appreciates the wonder of their Springsteen-meets-The-Smiths sound? Ah, who cares as long as they keep making records as good as this one.



2. Luke Haines - 21st Century Man / Achtung Mother

Some artists just get better with age. The Auteurs were a fine band, Black Box Recorder were lots of fun (and I keep hoping for a proper reunion), but Haines's solo output now puts both in the shade. The author of my favourite book of the year almost scored the year's best record too - that's some going for someone who was "all over in the 90s". Best heard with the limited edition bonus disc Achtung Mother which features a chilling spoken word tale of egos on the loose in the artworld, this could very well be Haines's masterpiece.



1. The Scaremongers - Born In A Barn

I've been chelping on about local poet extraordinaire Simon Armitage's mid-life crisis band The Scaremongers for a couple of years now, so it was great to finally get a full album from them - and see them live in Hebden Bridge. Somehow this record stayed with me more than any other this year. It told me stories, it made me smile, it had me singing along... it even made me want to form a band when I hit forty. Anyone up for it? You've got just over two years to practise...



Right then, that's 2009 done with. I promise, no more lists until at least 2010. Happy New Year, everyone. I'll see you again when the dust settles.

2009 (Films Of The Year)

Saw Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes at the weekend. It was everything I expected from a Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes film. A loud, obnoxious, inane, pointless mess. It had even less plot than the first part of RTD's Dr. Who swansong, and that's a real achievement. RDJr was good, but that goes without saying. Other than that, save yourself the cost of the ticket... just close your eyes and imagine what a Sherlock Holmes film directed by Guy Ritchie would be like. There. You've got it in one.

Still, as dull as that was... it wasn't half as rubbish as this little lot...

The Worst Films Of The Year

5. Surrogates

4. Terminator: Salvation

3. 2012

2. Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen

1. The Boat That Rocked


No list of Films Of The Year can ever be definitive. Not unless you've seen them all. I mean, consider these...

Films I Haven't Seen That Might Have Made The List If I Had



Where The Wild Things Are (Chev's Film Of The Year)

The Hurt Locker

Zombieland

Avatar (no, really, I don't care what anybody says - not even the Midnight Movie Club of Lee and Dan - I refuse to believe Cameron's Smurf movie can be any good...can it?)

(500) Days Of Summer (Ryan's film of the year)




But enough of what might have been... What about what was? Links to full reviews where I've written them.




My Films Of The Year

15. Mesrine: Killer Instinct

Though I saw Mesrine Part Un at the cinema, I didn't review it at the time because I wanted to wait till I'd seen part deux before commenting. I'm still waiting. The DVD's out in January though.



The first movie was shaping up to be one of the best gangster films I've seen in a while, with a cracking performance by Vincent Cassel... even though I can't help but confuse him with Tricky Dicky from Eastenders. (And no, I don't watch Eastenders. Is Tricky Dicky still in it?)

14. The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

No review to link to as I only saw this on DVD. I'm a huge Fincher fan, but I was scared away by the Forrest Gump comparisons some reviewers were (unjustly) flinging at this film. It's certainly flawed - in much the same way that Watchmen was - and yet, I can't deny that it had a huge impact on me in its final half hour. It's also the only movie this year to make me sob, so for that reason alone it deserves a place in this list.



13. Drag Me To Hell

12. The Damned United

11. In The Loop

10. Moon

Another one I missed at the cinema, Dylan Jones's debut is a tightly scripted sci-fi that's far more enjoyable the more the less you know about it. So I won't say anything.



9. The Wrestler



One more I only caught on DVD, Mickey Rourke's comeback does more than just get me excited about Iron Man 2. Painfully tragic but with a wonderfully uplifting (sort of) ending. Plus, it's got a free Bruce song on the soundtrack. Lovely stuff.

8. Gran Torino

7. The Reader

6. A Serious Man

5. Let The Right One In

4. Slumdog Millionaire

3. Paranormal Activity

2. Star Trek

1. Inglourious Basterds

2009 (Books Of The Year)

My Top Ten Books Published This Year

(...and by published this year, I do count books that were published for the first time in paperback this year, but might have been out in hardback earlier...)

10. Mark Radcliffe - Thank You For The Days (review to follow - I've not finished it yet)

9. Stephen King - Just After Sunset

8. Marcel Theroux - Far North

7. Peter Leonard - Trust Me

6. John Niven - Kill Your Friends

5. Michel Faber - The Fire Gospel

4. Simon Armitage - Gig

3. Christopher Brookmyre - Pandaemonium

2. John Ajvide Lindqvist - Let The Right One In

1. Luke Haines - Bad Vibes



Many fine books were released this year that I haven't yet got round to reading, any one of which might have jumped to a high position on this list. I've just noticed that the new Nick Hornby book is already out in paperback for example. When did that happen? Anyway, because it's not always possible to read books as soon as they come out, here's...


My Top Ten Books Published In Other Years That I Finally Got Round To Reading This Year, Or That I Read Again

10. Richard Blandford - Flying Saucer Rock 'n' Roll

9. Haruki Murakami - Kafka On The Shore

8. Douglas Coupland - The Gum Thief

7. Mick Brown - Tearing Down The Wall Of Sound

6. Jack Finney - Time And Time Again

5. Simon Napier-Bell - You Don't Have To Say You Love Me

4. Guy Burt - After The Hole

3. AM Homes - This Book Will Save Your Life

2. Chuck Klosterman IV

1. Stephen King - Salem's Lot



And finally...



My Top Ten Comics Of The Year

Last year I excluded small press titles from this list because I have so many friends in the small press scene who had published fine comics, I didn't want to leave anybody out. This year, I'm making a couple of notable exceptions for small pressers who graduated to the big leagues... and should never look back. That's not to discount the fine work of other SP-ers who had great years like Tony 'Still An Outcaste' McGee and Martin 'Media Whore' Eden (give 'em hell, Mart!).

Another change this year is my decision to focus on collectiona rather than individual issues, since (#1 aside) that's how I read pretty much all my comics these days. Anyway, on with the show...

10. Daredevil - Return Of The King

One name dominates this year's list of best comics and that name is Ed Brubaker, a writer who seems unable to put a foot wrong. The climax of his Daredevil run brought together a number of slowly twisting plotlines and left Matt Murdoch in an even graver situation that when Brubaker took him on - and that's saying something. Let's hope Diggle doesn't drop the baton.

9. Harker: The Book Of Solomon



8. Ex Machina - Ex Cathedra



According to Amazon, the seventh Ex Machina collection was released December 19th 2008, while the eighth isn't published until February 2010. Which means I've gone a whole year without any Ex Machina goodness - I have no idea why. Still, I received my copy of Ex Cathedra in January, so I'm squeezing this in by default.

Mitchell Hundred is Mayor of New York City and a former superhero who saved one of the twin towers on 9/11. From the creator of Runaways and Y, The Last Man, this is Brian K. Vaughan's only ongoing comic series of the moment, and it's set to end next year... I do hope he has something else planned to replace it.

7. Ultimate Spider-Man - War Of The Symbiotes

Another book I'm behind on, due to Marvel switching its collections to hardcover before trade ('fraid I can't afford the hardcovers, folks). This remains Brian Michael Bendis's best book, and it's improved beyond all recognition since Mark Bagley finally vacated the artist's chair. A pity Stuart Immomen didn't stick around longer.

6. Incognito

That Brubaker bloke again, here teamed with his partner-in-Criminal, Sean Phillips, mixing noir with pulp superheroics to their usual excellent effect. Only Brubaker and Phillips could make a badguy called Zack Overkill so wonderfully sympathetic.



5. The Rainbow Orchid



4. Captain America - The Death Of Captain America

Books 2 & 3 of Bucky-Cap's adventures, and Bru turns up the conspiracy to great effect. Enjoyed this so much I started buying Reborn in monthly comic form. Ha, I say monthly - but I should have known better with Bryan Hitch on art duties. Still the best this title's ever been, though I have to wonder how that'll go once Steve Rogers picks up the shield again.

3. Criminal - Bad Night

Brubaker - again! Phillips - again! Crooked folk doing bad, bad things should not be this much fun.



2. The Book Of Lists



1. Amazing Spider-Man #600 / Died In Your Arms Tonight

Still my favourite character, still my favourite book. There were many fine storylines in Amazing this year, including New Ways To Die, 24/7 and American Son, but it was the return of Doc Ock in issue 600 that had me most excited. Though Dan Slott and JRJR took the character in a slightly different direction than expected (and the extra arms almost didn't work), the biggest ever Spider-Man comic really didn't disappoint. Being terminally ill just makes Ock madder than ever, and the idea that he has benevolent and philanthropic motivations for trying to take over New York was perfectly in character - his ego was always his downfall. Amazing Spidey can only get better now they're finally bringing back the classic villains, and I hope we'll see more of Octavius soon.

Plus, this was the funniest comic of the year and they named the collection after a Cutting Crew song. What else do I need?

2009 (TV of the Year)

The Year End review continues. I always think I watch more American TV than British, yet this year my list is almost half and half. Runners up would include Monk (good, old-fashioned quirky detective stuff like Columbo at his best, only funnier), Fringe (which has finally crept out of the shadow of The X-Files to find its own personality, largely due to the fine work of John Noble as Dr. Walter Bishop) and Dollhouse, which we've only just started watching but it gets more interesting with every episode. Special mention goes to The Wire, which finished last year, but I only caught up on the last two seasons this summer.

Oh, and in retrospect, Flash Forward is rubbish.

10. Curb Your Enthusiasm



You have to respect the Seinfeld crew. I'm sure they could have made far more money if they'd done an actual reunion episode, rather than letting Larry David incorporate it into Season 7 of Curb. Once again I found myself sympathising with Larry even at his most obnoxious.

9. The Thick Of It



I only got into this show this year (after seeing In The Loop), but already Malcolm Tucker is my hero.

"Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off," has become my standard way of greeting people in this office.

8. Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle



Too clever for TV, judging by the audience figures. But I still love him. Great to see him live again this year too.

7. True Blood



A vampire show by the creator of Six Feet Under? Where do I sign up?

In truth, I find Anna Paquin a little annoying. But that's more than made up for by the supporting cast, particularly Tara, Jason, Sam and LaFayette.

6. Psychoville



"I done a bad murder."

Because obviously The League of Gentlemen just wasn't dark enough.

5. 24



Halfway through Day 7, hoping to finish in time for Day 8 which starts in the New Year. Still the most ridiculously exciting thing on TV, and this season has been way better than Day 6, mostly because Jack's entire family isn't behind the plot this time. Nice to see Tony again too... wonder how long he'll survive this time?

4. Peep Show



What are we up to now, Season 6? And it just gets better every year. Great concept, great characters, great supporting cast - especially Johnson and Dobby. Seeing Johnson running his new business from his bedroom was this year's highlight.

3. House



I'm a season behind everybody else with House, so he hasn't ended up in the looney bin yet, but he remains my favourite character on TV. Wouldn't be the same without Wilson either.

2. Flight Of The Conchords



While watching Season 2, I was under the mistaken impression that the songs weren't as good as in #1. I've changed my mind since listening to the album. There's so much you miss first time round, this is a show that deserves repeated viewing.

1. Lost



There's still nothing like it on TV as far as I'm concerned... and there may never be again. It all depends on how they tie it all up in the final season next year. Fingers crossed...

2009 (The Year's Most Annoying & Talentless Wastes Of Space, Sucking Up Our Precious Oxygen, First Against The Wall When I Am King)

10. Michael McIntyre

9. Michael McIntyre

8. "Have you ever noticed how when you breathe, air goes in through your nose and comes out through your mouth? Or vice versa? Isn't that FUNNY?"

7. Michael McIntyre

6. "A friend of mine works as a school dinner lady. She serves food to children. They eat it. Then she cleans up the plates! How HILARIOUS is THAT!?"

5. Michael McIntyre

4. Michael McIntyre

3. "Have you ever noticed how men with bald heads... don't have any hair! Hahahahaha!"

2.

1. Simon Cowell

2009 (Blogs Of The Year)

My Top Ten Blog Posts Of 2009

(based on comment numbers)

10. There Will Be Blood (16)

9. Secret Satan (16)

8. Monday's Still The Weekend To Me (17)

7. Bloody Students (18)

6. Do You Have A Glass Arse? (18)

5. Blogembarrassment (20)

4. Worst Winter Blog Post Since 2008 (20)

3. Punk Is Dead - Pop Sold Out (22)

2. "It's Pick On The Middle-Aged Square Guy Day" (24)

1. Snap! (37)



What conclusions can we draw from this?

1. Far more people read this blog at the start of the year than at the end.

2. People like it when I talk about irrelevant shit.

3. But not as much as they like it when I fall down the stairs.





My Blog Awards For 2009


Most Exuberant Blogger Award Always a fun place to visit.

Most Reliable Commenter Award He's left more comments on this blog than I have, for which he has my eternal gratitude.

Most Shamelessly Honest Blog Award What will she say next?

The Saddest Blog Post Of The Year Award The only blog I've read this year that made me cry.

Best Blog For Nicking Memes From Award

Most Generous Music Blogger Award For services to my Morrissey collection above and beyond the call of duty.

Most Enthusiastic Music Blogger Award

Most Erudite And Interesting Music Blogger Award

Most Inspirational Blog About Writing Award

Best Blog That's Written In Slawit Now That Mine Really Isn't Award

Missing In Action Award The blogger I miss most when he's not there.

Best Blog From A Blogger Who's Reluctant To Let Me Link To Them Award You know who you are.

Miserable Old Bastard Award It takes one to know one.

If I've not given you an award, it's not because I don't love you... just because I ran out of time and thoughts.

2009 (Tracks Of The Year)

My 2009 Review begins here, with the customary list of sixty of my favourite songs from the year (albums, films, books etc. will follow). Only one per artist allowed. Most were released in 2009, although a couple might be from '08 because I didn't discover them till late.

Simon Indelicate says, "Music People doing lists - you are theology students ignoring Darwin. Give up now before the void starts to belch back what you pour into it." If it makes you feel any better, Simon, you're at Number 2. Although the list isn't in any order of merit. And contains loads of records you'd probably spit on me for listening to. But as I say every year around this time, I never claimed to be cool...



1. Shirley Lee - The Reservoir
2. The Indelicates - The Recession Song
3. Thea Gilmore - Drunken Angel
4. Lucky Soul - Whoa Billy!
5. The Enemy - Sing When You're In Love
6. Pink - So What
7. The Scaremongers - From The Shorelines Of Venus
8. Napoleon - Send Me A Woman
9. Starsailor - Tell Me It's Not Over
10. The Melting Ice Caps - Mise En Scene



11. Reader's Wives - Sexually Attracted To Myself
12. The Handsome Family - The Loneliness Of Magnets
13. Manic Street Preachers - Jackie Collins Existential Question Time
14. Jarvis Cocker - I Never Said I Was Deep
15. Charlotte Hatherly - Alexander
16. Art Brut - Demons Out
17. The Hours - These Days
18. Eels - Beginners Luck
19. Florence & The Machine - Hurricane Drunk
20. Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man



21. Prefab Sprout - Last Of The Great Romantics
22. The Airborne Toxic Event - Wishing Well
23. Richard Hawley - Open Up Your Door
24. The Courteeners - That Kiss
25. Ida Maria - I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked
26. The All New Adventures Of Us - St. Crispin's Got Our Backs
27. God Help The Girl - Howard Jones Is My Mozart
28. Skunk Anansie - Squander
29. Mika - We Are Golden (with apologies)
30. Luke Haines - 21st Century Man



31. Bon Jovi - Live Before You Die
32. Elvis Costello - Sulphur To Sugarcane
33. Green Day - Horseshoes & Hand Grenades
34. Idlewild - Post Electric
35. Jace Everett - Bad Things
36. Jersey Budd - Long Way To Go
37. McIntosh Ross - Gloria
38. The Pet Shop Boys - Love Etc.
39. Reverend & The Makers - Silence Is Talking
40. Slow Club - When I Go



41. Super Furry Animals - The Very Best Of Neil Diamond
42. Bruce Springsteen - The Wrestler
43. The Duckworth Lewis Method - Test Match Special
44. The Holloways - Sinners 'n' Winners
45. Bob Dylan - Here Comes Santa
46. The Raveonettes - Bang!
47. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll
48. Todd Snider - Don't Tempt Me
49. Will Hoge - The Wreckage
50. Ash - True Love 1980



51. Camera Obscura - French Navy
52. Morrissey - One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell
53. Echo & The Bunnymen - Think I Need It Too
54. Fleet Foxes - Mykonos
55. Peter Parker - Swallow The Rockets
56. Pugwash - Nice To Be Nice
57. The Rumblestrips - London
58. Lloyd Cole - Coattails
59. Arctic Monkeys - Cornerstone
60. Flight Of The Conchords - Carol Brown

Have Yourself A PJANGy Little Christmas

Happy Christmas!

As a special Christmas treat, here are two preview pages from PJANG #4 which will be out in the New Year. Only one more strip needed and we're ready to push the button.

Below is the opening page from Stella, featuring art by Chris Askham - great to tempt him back into drawing one of my strips after all these years. After that it's a page from a title-withheld back-up story from newcomer (well, new to me and PJANG) Ryan Taylor. Special Christmas thanks go out to both artists. More PJANG news soon.

Have a good one, everybody! My Year End Review starts tomorrow...

Meltham Is A Dangerous Place... (9)

Previously on Meltham Is A Dangerous Place...



The old man left a map.

He'd asked me to meet him by the fallen totem again, but when I got there he was nowhere to be seen. I waited twenty minutes, then just as I was about to leave I saw it. An old Coke bottle left sticking out of the wall. Sticking out of that: a rolled up scroll of paper. A hand-drawn map into the woods. And four words:

'I need your help.'

My chest grew tight as I followed the directions, and not just because I'm out of shape. Along the Meltham Way, down into the gully, past the sparse winter brambles, following the stream that grows into a river as it flows down Royd Edge. All the way. Further than I'd ever gone before.



I paused for a while by a burnt patch in the grass. Was it an old campfire, or something more sinister? Anything was possible right now. I had a terrible feeling in my gut, and it was more than just last night's moussaka. The fire was still smouldering, and the charred sticks in amongst the ashes... they were sticks, weren't they? Don't start thinking they're bones, I told myself. Don't start thinking like that.

That's when I heard the scream. From way up the woods. I've heard plenty of screams in my life. From spoiled children who can't get their own way. From giddy teenagers, flirting and fighting. From people genuinely scared, by a sudden shock, screeching tyres or a horror film jump. I've never heard a scream like this one before. It was like someone being turned inside out, like Twister: The Viscera Version. I wanted to go back. I wanted to go home. But the old man was counting on me. I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't go on... only to later find something had happened to him. Something I could have prevented.

So I pressed on through the woods. It wasn't fully dark yet, but it would be soon. The scream came again and cold fingers squeezed my heart. What if I was already too late?

Then I saw the sign...



'Private' it read, and the letters were dripping red.

Dripping red, still wet.

Blood.

There was blood on the sign. It was painted in blood. A warning. Go no further. I couldn't anyway. The path ended here.

But the old man's map said otherwise.



I stared at the sign. Dare I go on? What were they doing to him? Was that really his blood... or just the blood of the rainbow that started all this madness? I knelt closer and touched a fingertip to the drips. As I did, I heard the scream one final time. It ended suddenly, and then there was nothing.

Silence.

This wasn't funny any more.

I wanted to go home. I had to go forward. But I couldn't do either. I couldn't even move from the spot where I was crouched. I was frozen. The sounds of the woods rose around me. The snapping of twigs. The rustling of old, dead grass. Something was approaching. From out of the darkness. From beyond the 'Private'. From...

Oh no - no - what's that? - get away - get - no --



Rol's notebook was found in the woods just outside Meltham. He is currently missing from his blog, whereabouts unknown. A number of Christmas and New Year posts which were written prior to this entry will run as scheduled during the next few days. We hope to have found him by then. Meltham is a dangerous place.

I Am Such A Turncoat

Sharp-eyed viewers may notice that I have now started using Twitter. Despite everything I said. All the times I slagged it off as stupid and pointless and very, very rubbish. I get it now, OK? I understand its purpose. It cannot replace the blog, it will not replace the blog. It's just for talking shit and shooting the breeze. That's all. I'm down with that. At last.

I would like to take this opportunity to humbly apologise to all the tweeting twats I may have offended with my previously scornful and derisive attitude towards the mighty Twitter. I am a shameful hypocrite. But then, you knew that already. Hang on my every tweet here.

Right, on with the show. Much preparation is needed for my Year End Review which starts Boxing Day. My favourite records, books, films, blogs, TV shows etc. of the year will soon be upon us. An ideal time to switch off the internet and go out and do something less boring instead.

In the meantime, here's another seasonal tune from Thea Gilmore's Christmas album, Strange Communion...

80 Years Young

Today is my dad's 80th. Luckily, 80 really is the new 60. Apart from the occasional health niggle, and being deaf as a post, he's fighting fit for an 80 year old - and long may that continue. I think one of the reasons he stays in good form is that he's always doing something. Out feeding his cows or carving up some wood in his shed or driving my mum around to her various social engagements. Staying active is obviously the key to a long and happy life.

My dad has had a number of jobs over the years. After National Service, he trained as a joiner. His first job was making coffins for an undertaker, and after that he helped build houses in Marsden and surrounding areas. Later in life a strange quirk of fate took him away from joinering and into the motor auctions. He worked as an auctioneer throughout the 70s and set up his own auction business in the 80s. When I was at junior school, he used to come do the school charity auction once a year. One more reason to be proud of him.

Once he retired from the auctions he returned to joinery, helping my brother who'd since become a builder himself. He'd kept his hand in over the years and remembered all the old tricks many younger tradesmen had never been taught. He knew how to get any job done by himself, without ever having to ask for help. I remember being amazed at some of the tasks he accomplished on his own, so much so that I once asked him, "how did you do that, Dad?"

"I didn't do it by myself," he replied. "I had Mr. Bagley to help me."

I hadn't seen anyone else around, so later I asked my mum who was this mysterious Mr. Bagley. Turns out he was the joiner who taught my dad his trade. He'd died years ago, but his teachings stayed with my dad forever.

There are two people in this world I respect beyond all others. And now they're both octogenarians.

Happy birthday, dad. Many happy returns.

No One Belongs Here More Than You

We were anxious to begin our life as people who had no people. And it was easy to find an apartment because we had no standards; we were just amazed that it was our door, our rotting carpet, our cockroach infestation. We decorated with paper streamers and Chinese lanterns and we shared the ancient bed that came with the studio...

We were excited about getting jobs; we hardly went anywhere without filling out an application. But once we were hired - as furniture sanders - we could not believe this was really what people did all day. Everything we had thought of as The World was actually the result of someone's job. Each line on the sidewalk, each saltine. Everyone had rotting carpet and a door to pay for. Aghast, we quit. There had to be a more dignified way to live. We needed time to consider ourselves, to come up with a theory about who we were and set it to music.

There are moments in this collection of short stories by Miranda July that are so perfect, I ache to have written something so good.

There are other moments - whole stories in fact - I could barely keep my eyes on the page, they just didn't connect with me at all.

I first became aware of July through her excellent indie movie Me And You And Everyone We Know. She's a regular polymath; writer, actress, director, musician... she can probably do mental arithmetic, juggle bananas, and loop-the-loop in a Cessna all at the same time without even blinking too. I can't even do one thing well; July excels at many... jealous much?

But like a lot of short story writers, she frustrates as much as she delights. From this particular collection I'd recommend Something That Needs Nothing, The Shared Patio, The Sister and Birthmark. Maybe a few others. Certain stories though, I couldn't even make it to the end. I think that might be a problem with short story collections as a whole. Maybe it depends on your mood. Maybe I'd had a bad day when I read How To Tell Stories To Children and Ten True Things. Maybe my mind was elsewhere. It's different with a novel, once you're familiar with characters and situation it's much easier to return to them, even if you're not feeling a hundred per cent. Short stories require an open mind and a welcoming disposition every time you open the book. Blimey, that's hard work.

My Top Ten Comic Characters

I know, I really should be spending this time compiling my Best of 2009 lists... or worse still, my Best of the Decade (I refuse to call it The Noughties). But aaaages ago now, Ryan over at Stinkbrown challenged me to list my Top Ten Comic Characters... and though the Top Three were easy, it's taken me some time to decide upon the rest of the list. But at last it's done... so let's get on with it!


10. The Human Torch (Johnny Storm)



It was a toss-up between old Match-head and Stretcho for 10th place, but as much as I should give to Reed for being the smartest man in the universe - sometimes dumb is more fun. If Peter Parker's the superhero I feel I ought to be, Johnny Storm is still the dream job. He has cool powers, he always gets the girls, he never has a care in the world. Except when he does - see that excellent Mark Waid story where Johnny sacrifices himself to become the herald of Galactus and save his sister... only to drive Galactus up the wall in the process. Plus, Johnny Storm designed the Spider-Mobile (!) It doesn't get any "cooler" than that.

9. Dr. Octopus



I'm probably going to have to do a Top Ten of comic book villains at some point, since I hated having to leave out the Kingpin, Joker, et al. But Doc Ock is my favourite. I'm always excited when his stupid pudding bowl haircut crops up, particularly when he's written properly - i.e. barking mad. There's something so utterly Ditko about the visual of Otto Octavius and his four crazy tentacles (see also Electro's mask, Mysterio's goldfish bowl helmet, Kraven's lion face tankard) that lifts it above the bulky Kirby costumes that made up the rest of the classic Marvel line. And then there's Ock himself. What nutty scheme to take over the world will he come up with next? Surely nothing can top marrying Aunt May to get his hands (and hands and hands) on the abandoned Nuclear Power Plant some old relative left her in a will. When played straight, Otto can be even more disturbing. In many ways he's the dark half of Peter Parker - the bullied geek who vowed vengeance on the world. Much as I loved Alfred Molina's performance in the best of the Spidey films, his Ock was slightly too cool for school. The real Doctor Octopus is mad as hell and he's not going to take it any more!

8. 'Hulk Smash' Hulk



Puny Rol only puts Hulk at Number 8? Hulk will show puny Rol, Hulk is the strongest one there is! What's worse, dumb Rol thinks best Hulk's comic has ever been is when puny human Peter David was writing it - yet puny human Peter David hardly ever wrote proper Hulk, he wrote brainy Hulk and grey Vegas bouncer Hulk and loads of other Hulks, but not real 'strongest one there is' Hulk. Anyway, puny Rol only likes Hulk because behaving like Hulk allows him to vent anger at stupid puny humans. If puny Rol doesn't make Hulk Number One soon, Hulk will smash!

7. Jack Knight



In an attempt to include at least one DC superhero (other than Batman) in this list, I considered a few favourites like Animal Man and Blue Beetle, but poor recent treatment of both characters rather sullied their memories. Buddy Baker stars in what I consider to be the perfect 26 issue comic book run, but the character has never recovered from Grant Morrison's departure. Everything that needed to be said was said, anything else was just superfluous. Likewise Ted Kord's post Giffen/DeMatteis handling has been shameful, as Dan DiDio vowed to eradicate all Bwa-ha-ha from the DC Universe (and succeeded - which is why I don't read much DC anymore).

Jack Knight appears - so far, at least - to be protected from all that. Once James Robinson finished his mammoth 80 issue run on Starman, he made a deal with DC that they can't use the character again without his permission. God knows how he managed that, but good on him. As to what makes Jack such a great character, that's easy. He's the archetypal reluctant hero. He doesn't want to fly around the city catching bad guys - he certainly doesn't want to dress up in a spangly costume like his dad and his brother. He just wants to buy and sell his antiques and curios and keep as far away from the family business as possible. Shame fate has other plans...

6. J. Jonah Jameson



"Parker!"

Perhaps a surprising choice, but JJJ improves any comic he appears in. If not Stan Lee's greatest creation, then certainly his most hilarious; the cigar chomping, hair-trigger tempered former editor of the Daily Bugle and current Mayor of NYC never fails to bring a smile to my face - and under a good writer, he's more than just comic relief. JJJ's also made the best screen transition of any comic book character - JK Simmons nailed that 'tache in every scene.

5. Batman



When written right, there are few better characters than Batman. The problem is, DC constantly water down the character giving him to lesser talents who just aren't smart enough to play with the world's greatest detective. Grant Morrison has made a few missteps during his time with the character, but he does at least understand what makes Batman tick.

Some say Batman is the most realistic of superheroes since he has no incredible powers, but he's also typical of most DC characters in that he has very little in common with his audience. Most readers can empathise with Peter Parker getting bullied at school or hating his boss or being a loser in love, in a similar way that they can relate to the family dramas of the Fantastic Four. But how much do we have in common with a multi-millionaire whose parents were slaughtered in front of his eyes and has since dedicated his every waking moment to making criminals pay? You can sympathise with Batman's mission, but he's as far away from your reality as James Bond. But unlike Bond, who'd really want to be Batman? The guy's borderline psycho.

4. Daredevil



Originally I had Daredevil lower than Batman on my list. If we're talking iconic status or even character potential, then Bats beats DD hands down. Where Matt Murdoch wins out though is in the consistently excellent nature of his comic. It helps that he only gets one issue a month, as opposed to Batman who drowns under the overkill of a dozen different writers. The last ten years or so have been a golden age for DD - from Kevin Smith through Bendis to Brubaker, and hopefully continuing into Andy Diggle's run, the character has been subjected to more dramatic twists and convention-busting turns than any other regularly published superhero. Unmasked, imprisoned, faced with enough heartbreak and betrayal to break a lesser man, yet Matt Murdoch's iron will somehow keeps him going. And that's without even mentioning the Frank Miller years. Unlike many Marvel heroes, DD's not a character you'd aspire to be (unless you were a real masochist), but as a example of how to remain strong and defiant in the face of relentless tragedy, he's pretty much unmatched anywhere in literature.

3. The Thing



If ever you feel you've drawn life's short straw, consider this: you could be Ben Grimm. The rest of the Fantastic Four lucked out, gaining cool superpowers while managing to maintain their good looks, but poor old Ben got turned into a lumpen orange rock monster with an enormous cracked monobrow. Yeah, he got super strength too, but not enough that he can kick the Hulk's arse, so what good's that? Despite all this, Ben remains the heart of the Fantastic Four, and a terrific everyman character wherever he appears. He's prone to bouts of sulky depression, he's easily riled, but he's got a heart of gold and he'd do anything for his family. A tragic figure, but hugely inspirational too.

2. John Constantine



Alan Moore's greatest creation, yet I don't actually credit the weirdy beardy one with making him great. That's down to those who followed, developing Constantine far beyond the sarky Scouse Sting-alike who first appeared in Swamp Thing. Jamie Delano gave him a terrifying origin (and demon's blood), Garth Ennis gave him a broken heart (and arch enemy), subsequent writers sent him to hell and back and put him through the wringer so many times a lesser magician would have packed in his cards. But Constantine keeps fighting, keeps wisecracking, keeps conning his way out of certain damnation with little more than a fag and a wink. Nobody can kill John Constantine - not even Keanu (though he gave it a damn good try, dude).

1. Spider-Man



Throughout my life, certain friends have stayed strong. Whenever I've felt down or lost or at the end of my tether, they've always been there for me. Yet many of these rocks of reliability I didn't meet till quite late. Bruce, I met as a teenager. Moz, though I'd seen him round school a lot while I was growing up, we didn't really click till I was in my early 20s. But Peter? Peter's been there since I was a little kid. He's grown with me. We've shared a lot of the same problems - bullying, heartache, loneliness, the feeling that the whole world's against you - and it's always been an encouragement to see how Peter dealt with those problems. Whatever happens, no matter how much the world dumps on him, he always tries to do the best by people, and usually tries to do it with a smile and a joke. As heroes and role models go, I couldn't ask for better.

Meltham Is A Dangerous Place... (8)

Previously on Meltham Is A Dangerous Place...



"I'm going to show you something now," the old man told me. "Something that happened a long time ago here in Meltham, but the sort of thing that'll be happening again if we're not very careful. I told you there was a storm coming. I told you the darkness was rising. And you need to watch for it. You need to be ready. Because I might not always be here..."

We'd met outside the school, by the remains of the sinister goat totem that fell on the night Meltham began to fight back. He nodded a greeting and led me across the road, heading out of the village towards Holmfirth. It was just after four and the sun had already dipped behind West Nab. It'd be dark very soon.

"At least it's the shortest day next week," I said, trying to brighten the mood. "Things always feel better once the days stop drawing in."

He didn't reply. He'd stopped before an old sign at the end of a lane that led off across Royd Edge. The old Dye House. He tapped the sign with his stick and hocked up a vile loogie.



"A thriving concern, back when I wore the clothes of a younger, sprightlier fella, and had no need for this blasted stick. You'd get trucks coming on this lane day and night. Then the hauntings started. Strange figures seen at the windows. Dying machines switching themselves on when there was no one about. Bales of wool rolling across the yard. And the dye... scarlets, teals, rusts and ambers, losing all their colour and turning ghostly white without warning or explanation. Then came the fire..."

We'd almost reached the old Dye House now, and though my vision was fading with the light, I could just make out the charred timbers of the roof and the irritable graffiti scrawled over blackened brickwork.

"After that, the dyers shut up shop an' moved to Slawit. Got out of Meltham altogether. They couldn't carry on, not once the drivers refused to bring their lorries on here after dark. Not with all that spoiled dye they were having to throw out every day. Not with the smell..."

"The smell?"

The old man turned his nose into the air and sniffed. "Aye, lad - can't you smell it? Like a dead fart in a hospital, only not as fragrant. Smells worse than Bradford - and it's got worse again, just over the last few days."

I couldn't smell anything myself, but then I did have a cold.

"They must have boarded up the windows after the fire," I said, not wishing to dwell on the smell. "None of these boards are burnt."

"Yeah," the old man nodded, "did that to keep the kids out. Local ruffians kept breaking in here on a night, and going home covered in that weird white dye. Even though the dyers cleared it all out when they left, there shouldn't've been a drop left in the whole building, still kids kept coming back caked in the stuff. Then of course, someb'dy realised... it wan't dye at all..."



But I didn't catch that last part, I was too busy investigating the large silo at the end of the compound.

"These things always creep me out," I told the old man, "ever since I saw this old Tom Baker Dr. Who where he was trapped in one at the end of an episode and it started filling up with grain... hey look, this one's open... and it's still got some funny old machine inside."

"Keep away from that!" shouted the old man, but as usual I wasn't listening. That's when the machine whirred into life anyway, spluttering and wheezing and firing out a gunky white goo in all directions. I raised my hands to shield myself, but in seconds I was covered in it. In my mouth, in my hair, all over my distressed leather jacket (now even more distressed than usual)... and this, I could smell. Just like he said - even worse than the infamous tannery stink of Bradford on a hot summer day.

"Ahh - ick - ughhh... it's horrible!"

"I did try an' warn you, lad."

"This is it? That weird white dye you were on about?"

"Yeah. Only like I was saying, turns out it's not dye at all."

I scooped the thick, gelatinous muck out of my eyes and shuddered. "Do I really want to know?"

"Ectoplasm," said the old man - and was that the hint of a smile curling the corners of his mouth? "I keep on telling you - Meltham is a dangerous pl--"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm going home for a shower."

A Serious Man

The more I think about A Serious Man, the more I like it. A lot of movies, you enjoy them while you're in the cinema then forget them the second you walk out into the car park. The latest from the Coens was almost the opposite of that. It's a slow burner while you're watching it, stuffed with wonderfully observed characters (and not just the main cast - every supporting role was perfect), precise background detail and laugh out loud moments of nonsensical reality... and then it ended, and just like in No Country For Old Men, my immediate reaction was "is that it?" But then I started to think about it. And think the film as a whole. And I realised how perfect the ending was, how no other ending would have been right.

A Serious Man is the Coens' most philosophical film. And their philosophy appears to be - there are no answers. "Accept the mystery," as one character memorably states. I've read criticism that this movie ask more questions than it answers, but that's exactly the point. And what a shamelessly entertaining way to make that point.

Flawed Courteeners

Last Friday, I was crammed into the old GMEX Centre (now Manchester Central, but it'll always be the GMEX to me) with a few thousand rabid Courteeners fans to see the band unveil material from their forthcoming second album, Falcon, as well as playing the songs that we all loved from their debut. It won't be a surprise that the older songs were the most rapturously received, so much so that we could hardly hear lead singer Liam Fray's vocals half the time - shoddy work from the sound desk. Still, there were other times in the set when I could have done without hearing him - during his arrogant, Gallagheresque boasts about how his band are going to own 2010 (a little cockiness in a rock 'n' roll star is always welcome - too much and I start to shudder), and during the band's big, anthemic, pseudo-Snow Patrol new stuff... which ditches the Northern kitchen sink lyrics and indie swagger of their previous record in favour of echoey 80s drums and sweeping MOR anthems. I might be being overly harsh on their new material, repeated listens may well reveal hidden depths, but there was such a shift in their sound that it was hard to give it the attention it deserved. It was like listening to two different bands at times, the contrast between first album and second was that noticeable.

The gig wasn't a complete letdown though. There were some great moments, notably the closing double-whammy of Not Nineteen Forever and What Took You So Long, though once again the bloke on the sound desk did his best to lose these beneath the crowd. And I always respect a band that play right through to the curfew and don't waste time with that whole going off and coming back on for an encore nonsense. The Courteeners still have a lot of potential (and hey, they're one of the few contemporary indie bands that Morrissey has a good word for) but I do hope that in their quest for stadium glory they don't lose sight of what made them magical in the first place...