Solomon Kane

Fight Evil... With Evil says the tagline of Solomon Kane.

Fight Insomnia... With Solomon Kane might be more appropriate. Admittedly, I've not slept well this, but I was seriously nodding off in this film, and that really shouldn't be the case in a sword 'n' sorcery actioner from the pen of Conan creator Robert E. Howard.

Rome's James Purefoy steps into the slouch hat and swishy coat, but though he's got the right look - Hugh Jackman meets Robert Carlisle - his West Country accent is a distraction (even George Lucas realised that accent doesn't carry a whole lot of gravitas, hence why David Prowse was replaced with James Earl Jones) and, on this showing at least, he has about as much screen charisma as this pencil. (What do you mean, which pencil? OK, imagine I'm writing this blog with a pencil. This pencil.) I don't consider Huge Ackman the greatest of actors, but he's undeniably got movie star presence... Purefoy, who at times here looks so much like Ackman's woeful Van Helsing I'm amazed the lawyers weren't sniffing round... not so much. It's enough to say that he gets acted off the screen by, of all people, Jason Flemyng (who pops up as an utterly superfluous bad guy for five minutes in the film's climax). With that in mind, imagine what it's like when he's sharing screentime with Pete Postlethwaite. I don't recall Howard's Solomon Kane having invisibility powers... not in the comics I read, anyway.

Script and plot are equally dull. Pedestrian and predictable. Unexciting action sequences and obvious twists abound. And apparently they're pitching this as the first in a trilogy. Can't see that happening. The big question is why? Who decided Solomon Kane was a winner? Sword and sorcery is hardly a thriving genre (unless you're pitching it at the kids, which this wasn't) so if you haven't got an A-list star or a shit-hot script... how can you really expect to make your money back?

I pray to Crom the Conan remake comes with a lot more clout.

Rainbow Songs - Orange

Of all the colours in the musical spectrum, orange is by far the least popular. Perhaps that's because of the long-held belief that nothing rhymes with it. According to wikipedia, this hardly makes it unique, though for some reason orange always gets picked on - despite plenty of half-rhymes and proper name rhymes that could be called upon to get any lyricist worth their salt out of a pickle. Maybe, as they used to say in the old Kia-Ora ads, it's just too orangey for (Counting) crows.

Special mention goes to the mighty Edwyn Collins, though I'm sticking with my rule about not allowing colourful band names in this list, only song titles. I could have used them too as you'll see. To fill my quota this time... a certain orange creativity was required.



10. Richard Thompson - Orange Coloured Sky

Part of Richard Thompson's excellent 100 Years Of Popular Music collection (which also saw him covering acts as diverse as Britney Spears and Bowling For Soup), this was originally recorded by Nat King Cole back in the 50s.

I was walking along minding my business, when love came and hit me in the eye
Flash, bam, alakazam, out of an orange colored sky

Well, one look and I yelled timber, watch out for flying glass
'cause the ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out, I went into a spin
And I started to shout I’ve been hit, this is it, this is it!

9. Johnny Cash - Orange Blossom Special

Johnny Cash appears here far more frequently than certain other artists in my record collection. Yes, I own a lot of Johnny Cash records, but no more than I do by Bruce or Moz or Costello or Pulp or Thea Gilmore... just off the top of my head. Perhaps Johnny diversifies his titles more. Or he just likes colour.

8. Mercury Rev - Vermillion

The Secret Migration album marked the point where my love affair with Mercury Rev cooled. This is OK, but it's hardly Goddess On A Hiway. They can't spell vermilion, but then they couldn't spell highway either. Is vermilion more red than orange? Probably. But I needed one more track to make ten.

7. Peter Sarstedt - Frozen Orange Juice

I am quite fond of Peter Sarstedt... but I don't think I'll ever be able to take him seriously, thanks to Flight Of The Conchords.



6. Presidents Of The United States Of America - Peaches /
The Stranglers - Peaches / Prince - Peach

There will be a separate Pink Post in this series, because I found loads of pink songs. As an overspill from that, here are three peaches. Apparently, there's some kind of euphemism going on here. Which only makes me think of Nicolas Cage's infamous coming of age experience in Wild At Heart. "Take a bite of... peach."

5. Diana Ross - Theme From Mahogany

Look, mahogany was on my orange colour chart, OK? Besides, my Brown Countdown is full up, so I've got to squeeze this in somewhere. Give me a break.

Post-Supremes Diana Ross gets a lot of unnecessary stick, but she'll do for me. I've never seen the movie this comes from, but I'm led to believe it also stars Norman Bates and Lando Calrissian. Which can't be bad.

Do you know where you're going to?

4. The Fall - Kurious Oranj

I'm not a huge expert on The Fall either, though I do respect Mark E. Smith's place in the great Peel-endorsed hierarchy of cool. The truth is, I'm only aware of this song because of the sketch below... "I Am Curious Orange!"



3. Echo & The Bunnymen - Rust

Echo & The Bunnymen experienced something of a renaissance in the late 90s, swept along by the Britpop bandwagon and some anthemic masterpieces like this, Nothing Lasts Forever, and What Are You Going To Do With Your Life?

Give me one more try
And I'll come flaking back to you

I can't get over how much Mac looks like Stuart Maconie on this video.

2. Morrissey - At Amber

Morrissey is stuck in a grubby hotel with cold rooms and only one phone, in the foyer. He's having such a miserable time of it, he calls up his invalid friend for support. They slam the receiver down, remarking, "If I had your limbs for a day, I would steam away!"

In other words, Moz, shut up whinging. Things could always be worse.

You could have to write radio ads for a living.

1. REM - Orange Crush

From the album Green, which missed its chance last week.

According to Michael Stipe, this is all about a young American football player who goes off to fight in the Vietnam war and ends up suffering a nasty encounter with Agent Orange.

I'm glad he explained that, these lyrics could just seem nonsense otherwise...

Follow me, don't follow me
I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush
Collar me, don't collar me
I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush
We are agents of the free
I've had my fun and now its time to
Serve your conscience overseas (over me, not over me)
Coming in fast, over me

So... what did I miss? Do you have a favourite orange song? Can you even think of one?

Hound Dog

Richard Blandford's Hound Dog is a vicious, snarling, slobbering beast that'll have your throat out soon as look at you. But it's also got heart and a whole load of funny. Not for the easily offended - but authors who worry about offending their readers aren't to be trusted anyway.

The star is Elvis, a fading Presley impersonator with a dark and unsettling past. However disturbing that past, it's nothing compared to what happens to him in the course of this novel. Hound Dog is one hell of a brutal book. There is murder. There is savage violence. There is gratuitous masturbation (but... isn't it all gratuitous?) There is sex, drugs, and yes, plenty of rock 'n' roll, though none of it is remotely glamorous - this Elvis even hates the King he sings. Then it gets dark. I was shocked at how dark. That scene by the swimming pool in the middle of the night? I really didn't see that coming. And yet... it's also curiously uplifting and had me crossing my fingers for a glimmer of regal redemption till the very last page. For all his flaws, this Elvis is a likable (I wouldn't go so far as to say lovable) rogue, and the author keeps you rooting for him throughout. Even when he kicks the shit out of Buddy Holly...

Richard Blandford is one sick dude. Good on him for that! I very much enjoyed his last book, Flying Saucer Rock 'n' Roll (actually published after Hound Dog, but I rarely get to read anything in order) and look forward to whatever comes crawling out of the twisted pit of his mind next.

Top Ten Comic Character Costumes

Geek alert! Non-geek readers should move on to the next post, there's nothing to see here.

Aaaages ago, Nige compiled his Top Ten Comic Character Costumes, and obviously I had to follow... ahem... suit.

I've decided there are three different things I like in a superhero (or villain) costume.

1) Simplicity. Good examples would include the classic Batman outfit (the one without the spotlight on the chest), the black Spider-Man costume, or the Barry Allen / Wally West Flash.

2) Insanity. Basically anything Ditko ever came up with. You'll note there aren't any Kirby costumes in the list below.

3) Old-fashioned sexiness. Obviously there's a long history of adolescent wish-fulfillment / fetishism in female superhero costumes, but I was always intimidated by the brazen or sluttish, even in fantasy form. Emma Frost would just eat you alive, wouldn't she? I do like Ms. Marvel's thigh high panto boots and Black Widow's leather jumpsuit... I'm not completely dead from the waist down, you know... but it's the fishnets that do it for some reason. I never understood why as I'm not a big fishnet follower in real life. I don't hang around the harbour picking up old trout or nothing... Black Canary missed this list by a whisker (Sylvester's).

I have of course rejected many of my favourite characters. The Fantastic Four don't really wear costumes, and Bruce Banner's purple pants hardly count. Daredevil's costume looks good or ridiculous depending on who draws it (or whether Ben Affleck is wearing it) while, I'm sorry, Wolverine just wouldn't be seen dead in any costume. But especially not that one.

Anyway, on with the ten...

10. Iron Fist



Iron Fist's costume makes perfect sense. From the kung fu slippers to the dragon tattoo to the half-face mask, it's one of the most logical and practical superhero suits out there, and despite the fact that it was created in the 70s, it hasn't dated one bit.

9. Punisher



While the idea behind Batman's costume is to strike fear into the hearts of evil-doers everywhere... at the end of the day, he's still dressed like a giant bat. What's more scary to see coming at you out of the dark, a flying rodent or a giant white skull? I'm going with the skull - those teeth are loaded!

8. The Green Goblin



Pure Ditko insanity part one. Spider-Man's most fearsome foe dresses in green and purple (a surprisingly popular combo for comic book characters), flies around on a giant mechanical bat (formerly a mechanical broomstick) and carries his weapons (pumpkin bombs, ghostface gas grenades and razor sharp bat boomerangs) in a... school satchel. You know, for years, when I was a kid, I thought for sure he must have nicked that from Gwen Stacy.

7. Catwoman



Possibly a slight exception to my "old-fashioned" sexiness rule, though Catwoman's had so many costumes over the years, there really is something for every fetish. The Darwyn Cooke version was probably the most practical, but I have a fondness for the green and purple one (again!) with the cape. Michelle Pfeiffer, yes. Halle Berry... nooooo!

6. Green Arrow & Hawkeye





If there's one thing both Marvel and DC's grouchy archers have in common (well, actually, there's loads they have in common), it's their bizarre fashion sense. Ollie Queen prefers the lincoln green, swapping between hoody and peaked cap, but never ditching that diamond eyemask (how does that stay on?); Clint Barton rocks the blues and purples, tunic, chainmail and butterfly head dress. I can't choose between them.

5. Electro



More Ditko madness. Every time they try to redesign Electro's costume, they miss the point. The Ultimate version was woeful, but then that was Mark Bagley, so what do you expect? The character's recent return in The Gauntlet kept most of his classic Ditko suit but ditched the most important bit - that freaky, sparky headpiece. Really guys, you can't improve on perfection - stop trying.

4. Zatanna



It's not just the fishnets. It's the boots and the bow tie and the waistcoat and the top hat too, OK? Unlike many sexy superheroine costumes, Zatanna's seems the least gratuitous and the most perfectly reasoned. She's a magician, for cripes sake, isn't that exactly how she would dress? Much sexier than Dr. Strange, anyway.

3. Mysterio



So to the top three, and they all have one thing in common: Sturdy Steve Ditko. Mysterio is one of my favourite villains for one reason only. He has a goldfish bowl on his head. And his eyes on his chest. More green and purple too. This costume gave me nightmares when I was a kid. It plays with your imagination - just like Mysterio, just like Ditko.

2. The Question



Unlike the other Ditko designs in this list, the Question is simple and obvious. So obvious, it's a wonder nobody ever did it before. He's a man with no face - quite literally. The rest of the outfit is classic gumshoe detective, but no face... that's just genius.



1. Spider-Man



Yes, yes, I know - I'm sooo predictable. But hear me out. On initial consideration, Spider-Man's costume really shouldn't work. It's red and blue, unlike any spider I can think of. It's got webs on it, yeah (and at its bizarre-best, it's got underarm webs too!), but why does it have that strange vest and belt design? And what the heck's going on with those eyes?

Yet the more you think about it, the more Ditko's choices make perfect sense. Peter designed the costume initially as a disguise for his wrestling career. It's necessarily showbizzy, and it also plays to the extrovert side of Peter's character that being Spider-Man finally allowed him to unleash. The full face mask conceals not only his identity but his youth (he doesn't want to be Spider-Boy). He's so paranoid about his identity being discovered that he doesn't even want his eyes to be seen through the mask, but the huge eyes allow maximum peripheral vision. The belt's there for his Spider-Signal and spare webshooter cartridges. The costume does everything it needs to do, yet it's also wonderfully bizarre - as only Ditko could deliver.



So, if you were a superhero... or villain... which costume would you pick?

The Wolfman

Things I Liked About The Wolfman

It reminded me of the old black & white Universal horror films I used to watch late Saturday night as a kid. Joe Johnson got the tone and atmosphere just right. Plus, I cannot begin to say how much I appreciated them keeping the CGI to a minimum. Apart from a couple of transformation shots, this was all done with make-up and traditional monster fx. Thank heaven for Rick Baker. The Wolfman looked exactly as he should, a 21st Century version of the old Lon Chaney (Jr.) monster that scared my short pants off.

Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving - bringing a bit of much needed class. Though anyone who couldn't work out the Hopkins-related twist before actually entering the theatre deserves to be banned from movie-going for the rest of their natural. Weaving was excellent. Indisputably the best thing in The Matrix, though that's hardly saying much, here he fleshes out the thankless role of investigating copper, and even manages to inject a little much-needed humour into the proceedings.

Oh, and it's good to see Bullet Baxter, Michael Cronin, again. Always scarier than any werewolf.



Things I Didn't Like About The Wolfman

The script. Oh dear. Can't decide between faithful recreation of the original 'text' and cringey postmodern wink - so let's do both. "It's a dog eat dog world," says Hopkins at one point... and being Hopkins, he almost pulls it off, though I couldn't help but hear Norm from Cheers completing the line: "...and I'm wearing milk bone underpants."

Art Malik and Anthony Sher - what were you thinking?

The pub full of dodgy Northern accents and rubbish character actors. One more reason to mourn the passing of Brian Glover.

Benicio Del Toro. Wow. Here's one I didn't expect. The very thing that sold me on this remake in the first place. Benicio as the Wolf Man? That's inspired, surely? Apparently not. I've been a fan of BDT since The Usual Suspects, but this was by far the worst thing I've seen him do. He was just so... dull. Acted off the screen by Hopkins and Weaving in every scene, he just didn't seem to be trying, not as the human half anyway. As a wolf he was slightly more impressive, but no Lon Chaney. A howling shame.

You're Not From Round These Parts, Are You?

In case you hadn't noticed, the name of this blog is Sunset Over Slawit.

However, were you to look on an ordnance survey map or google earth, you wouldn't be able to locate Slawit. That's because its correct spelling is Slaithwaite. Slawit is the local pronunciation (the 'slaw' rhymes with 'how'), but we'll also accept Slath-wait. If you're ever heard uttering Slayth-wait though, you'll be burned at the stake... or shoved inside a wicker man with some screeching pigs and then burned at the stake.

As you may know, I don't live in Slawit anymore. I now live over the hill in Meltham. Which is pronounced Mel-tham, not Melt-ham, just in case you were wondering. Other nearby villages include Milnsbridge (the 'n' is silent: Millsbridge), Golcar (the 'l' is silent, as is most of the 'r': Go-ca), Crosland Moor and South Crosland (where they get very cross if you pronounce it Crozland). Don't even start me on Holmfirth.

I remember once getting in a big, unwinnable argument with a Geordie over how to pronounce Newcastle. I always put the emphasis on the New, whereas a proper Tynesider places it firmly on the Castle. Of course he was right, but he was also a berk, so I couldn't allow myself to agree with him.

What about where you live? Are there some place names that are always pronounced incorrectly by out-of-towners and comers-in? Would you go to war over it? A true Slawitter would see blood shed rather than ever tolerate Slaythwaite. These things matter, I'm certain.

Rainbow Songs - Green

So, with the primary colours out of the way, we move on to the secondaries... and being a country boy, I've always loved green. Sadly, no room for Al (erm... is the disc above called 'The Bum'?) or Adam, nor the bloke from Scritti Politti or even the Day... but after rejecting some fine runners up from The Housemartins, The Charlatans, Prefab Sprout, The National, The Lemonheads, Black Box Recorder, Tom Waits and My Life Story... here's what I ended up with:


10. Shakin' Stevens - Green Door

Now if I were striving for cool, I'd direct you to the 1956 original by Jim Lowe. Unfortunately, I was 9 years old when Shaky had his second UK Number One, and these things tend to stick.

My mate Matt went to see Shaky perform at Glastonbury a couple of years ago. Imagine his disappointment when the Welsh knee-trembler refused to sing Green Door, despite the fact that someone in the crowd had brought along an actual green door to wave at him.

9. Booker T & The MGs - Green Onions

It seems highly likely that if you look in the dictionary under the word 'groove', you'll find this song. And at least one person on the internet believes this to be The Greatest Single Of All Time.

8. Creedence Clearwater Revival - Green River

Well, we had Yellow River last time...

"You're cool and cred like Fogerty, I'm Elvis Presley in the 70s" sings Kathleen Edwards on the song I Make The Dough, You Get The Glory. It's certainly true that John Fogerty maintains his cool, even after all the years. Creedence never seems to date. I mean, just ask the Dude...

7. Dexys Midnight Runners - Tell Me When My Light Turns Green

From the classic Searching For The Young Soul Rebels LP. Like most early Dexys songs I haven't a clue what this is about as Kevin Rowland's supremely screechy vocals are all but indecipherable. But man, have they got soul.

6. George Baker Selection - Little Green Bag

Was this song cool before Tarantino stole it for the opening of Reservoir Dogs? Having watched the video above, I say a resounding 'yes'. It'd be worth learning to play the bass, just to strum this bassline.

5. Simon & Garfunkel - Leaves That Are Green

"I was 21 years when I wrote this song
I'm 22 now, but I won't be for long..."

Billy Bragg 'borrowed' that opening couplet for A New England. Wonder if Paul Simon ever asked for it back?

4. The Wonder Stuff - Golden Green

It's probably a good thing I never saw The Wonder Stuff perform live, even on TV, because I suspect the ridiculous outfits, hair by the Levellers, and Miles Hunt's Alan Partridge facial expressions (clink the link to see what I mean) would have put me right off. They wrote some cracking songs though.

She's taken all my vitamins
Used up my lighter fuel
I'm sure she stole all of my pencil lead in school

3. Tom Jones - Green Green Grass Of Home

Just for a second, imagine you're hearing this song completely fresh. Forget the hairy chest, perma-tan, knicker-catching eyebrows and all the other leathery baggage that comes with The Legend. Listen instead to the heartbreaking tale of a condemned man's last desperate dream.

Still don't quite get it? Try the Johnny Cash version instead.

2. Elvis Costello - Green Shirt

Should you stop him in the street and ask him, Elvis Costello will tell you that the straightforward lyrics he writes today are far better than the angrily intricate, pun-filled, 'what the hell is he on about?' absurdities he used to pen.

I respectfully beg to differ.

'Cause somewhere in the Quisling Clinic
There's a shorthand typist taking seconds over minutes
She's listening in to the Venus line
She's picking out names
I hope none of them are mine

1. The Kinks - The Village Green Preservation Society

Described by Ray Davies as "the most successful flop of all time", The Village Green Preservation Society wasn't a hit on release (neither single nor album) yet has gone on to sell more copies than any other Kinks record, barring compilations. You can bet that Damon Albarn had a copy on his turntable as a kid. It also contains some of the most wonderful rhymes ever committed to wax...

We are the Sherlock Holmes English speaking vernacular
Help save Fu Manchu, Moriarty and Dracula
We are the Office Block Persecution Affinity
God save little shops, china cups and virginity

Kate Rusby does a lovely version too.

So, they were mine... but what's your favourite green song?

White Noise

I've had a run of great books lately. Unputdownables. Books that made me laugh and feel and think and thrill along with every page. I had hoped Don Delillo's White Noise would continue that trend. It certainly had enough recommendations - critically acclaimed, and the book that gave The Airbourne Toxic Event their name, with many of my favourite writers citing Delillo as a major influence. Thematically it seemed like a winner too - an insular middle-class American town becomes oversaturated by media and technology while an industrial accident unleashes a toxic chemical cloud that threatens their lives. Satire with the promise of drama, maybe even elements of thriller... I should lap this one up.

There's no denying that Delillo is a fine writer. He reads like the missing link between Joseph Heller and Douglas Coupland or Chuck Palahniuk...

"The flow is constant. Words, pictures, numbers, facts, graphics, statistics, specks, waves, particles, motes. Only a catastrophe gets our attention. We want them, we need them, we depend on them. As long as they happen somewhere else. This is where California comes in. Mud slides, brush fires, coastal erosion, earthquakes, mass killing, et cetera. We can relax and enjoy these disasters because in our hearts we feel that California deserves whatever it gets. California invented the concept of life-style. This alone warrants their doom."

He plays with the quirks and ironies of contemporary society and obviously has a lot of fun in the process. And occasionally he produces a wonderful turn of phrase to illuminate character too. Like the eccentric history professor who explains his preference for small town life with the confession, "I'm here to avoid situations. Cities are full of situations, sexually cunning people. There are parts of my body I no longer encourage women to handle freely."

And yet... much as I admired White Noise, I didn't warm to it. Most of the characters seemed too arch and smug for me to care about anything that happened to them. There was a distance between me and the story that I've never felt when reading Heller, Coupland or Palahniuk, and it was a struggle to make it through to the end. All those knowing winks killed the drama dead. There's no doubt Delillo's a great writer... on this evidence though, I'm not so sure he's a great storyteller.

I Wasn't Built To Get Up At This Time

I'm so tired today. Too tired to write any searing, witty or provocative blogposts. No change there then.

You know what I hate? I hate it when I wake up five minutes before the alarm clock's set to go off, and there's no point going back to sleep, and I just lay there wishing it was earlier.

I hate it when I wake up an hour before the alarm and I can't get back to sleep... until there's two minutes to go and suddenly I'm dead to the world.

I hate it when I sleep till the bleeps and wake with a start, like someone's just jabbed me with an electric cattle prod, and my head stays muddy all day long as a result.

I hate it on a weekend when, no matter that I've stayed up late the night before, I still wake at 6 - why can't I sleep straight through till at least 8?

I hate it when I try to go to bed early on a Sunday night to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed the next morning... then I toss and turn till 3 and might as well not have bothered.

And I hate those articles on better sleeping that advise you to stick to the same routine every night, even on a weekend. How dull am I, going to bed at 10 on a Saturday night? Although some weeks, I'm that knackered...


How would you prefer to wake up? Or would you just rather go on sleeping forever?



Be grateful I chose that song and not 'Wake Up, Boo!' or 'I'll Sleep When I'm Dead'. It was a close call...

There's STILL No Time Like The Present

Paul Rainey, writer/artist of The Book Of Lists, my second favourite comic of 2009 (after Amazing Spider-Man, naturally - but come on, we've got to give Paul something to aim for!) is back with the pre-penultimate issue of his excellent serialised graphic novel, There's No Time Like The Present.

This book continues to surprise. It began as a fun slice-of-life story with hints of sci-fi oddity, telling the tale of Cliff and his Dr.Who-obsessed pals in a world where time travel exists, but mostly as a means of watching future episodes of your favourite TV shows. A few issues in, Paul surprised us all by leaping forwards to a time when all the central characters are old men - though still living out their youthful geeky preoccupations. Beyond the obvious humour of imagining ourselves as pensioners, this device allowed Paul much scope to play with themes of how age does and doesn't change people... and how some little boys never grow up.

Paul then surprised us again with the death of a major character - and I have to admit, I really wondered where the book would go from there. Well, he's not done with the surprises yet, as the latest issue ably demonstrates. Once again we're leaping forward in time - but this time it's the biggest leap yet, leading to a twist that's both hilarious and intriguing. I can't wait to see where Paul goes with this now... though I'm in no rush to see the book end as it's brought me so much enjoyment over the last five and a half years.

Yep, Paul's been working TNTLTP since September 2004, and it'll be unlucky 13 for us readers in two issue's time... though at least he's promising to go out with a bang - an extra-sized finale.

You can read more about There's No Time Like The Present - including the complete first chapter - by popping over to Paul's website. Go on, what else do you have to do on a Friday afternoon?

Harry, Revised

Radiologist Harry Rent loses his wife Anna after a botched cosmetic surgery procedure she's arranged in direct response to his infidelity. Rather than mourning Anna's passing, Harry finds himself falling in love with a waitress in his local cafe, embarking on a variety of elaborate schemes to woo her, armed only with a copy of Dumas' The Count Of Monte Cristo for inspiration. But Harry's smart enough to know that the way to a modern woman's heart isn't through being flash or showering her with gifts, so instead he sets about helping her friend, to show what a thoughtful, caring chap he really is. All this might make Harry sound something of an unsympathetic hero, so it's to Mark Sarvas's credit that we're cheering him on every step of the way, through comic misadventure and heart-rending drama, to a thoroughly satisfying (and not at all expected) conclusion. Harry isn't quite the devil he might at first seem; while Anna's not exactly a saint herself. And no, he doesn't end up with the friend!

I loved this book, and could easily spend acres of unnecessary verbiage telling you why, yet the cover quote from John Banville sums it all up. "Funny and sad. A remarkable debut." Funny and sad - an excellent combination, if you can pull it off. Oh, and Sarvas scores extra points for revealing that this first novel wasn't written or published till he was well into his 40s. There's hope yet...

Rainbow Songs - Yellow

Back to the rainbow, and the last of the primary colours. While I found myself with a redundancy of reds and enough blues to paint two posts, songwriters seem less enamoured with the colour yellow. We'll deal with why that may be further down this list, but for now can I just point out:

YOU WILL NOT FIND YELLOW FUCKING SUBMARINE ON THIS LIST!

I really shouldn't need to explain why.

Oh, and there was no room for Yello the band either, despite that classic 80s track which closes Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Oh yeahhhhh...



Songs For The Colour Yellow...

10. Coldplay - Yellow

OK, let's get this one out of the way too, shall we?

I used to like Coldplay a lot. That first album, it had some pretty sweet songs, and this - for all its supposed weediness - was one of the best. I remember seeing them play live at a festival, small stage, mid-afternoon, just as this song was breaking. There was a feeling that the world was theirs... and it was. I'm glad they achieved the success they did, but one or two songs aside, they've been all cold and very little play since then.

I blame Gwyneth.

9. Beck - Truckdrivin' Neighbour Downstairs (Yellow Sweat)

When you think of Beck nowadays, you think of some right-on, hippyish dude plinking away on his guitar and noodling away on his keyboard. It's easy to forget what an angry young man he once was. Man, he hated his neighbour downstairs.

8. Christie - Yellow River

Unlike its main rival on the other side of the Pennines, Leeds doesn't have the greatest musical heritage. There's The Wedding Present, of course, and the Kaiser Chiefs, The Sisters Of Mercy and Send More Paramedics (who I know absolutely nothing about - Wikipedia describes them as "horror hardcore" - but I love that name)... and Jeff Christie. Yes, Jeff Christie.

7. Silver Sun - Yellow Light



When I first heard Silver Sun's debut album back in the late 90s, I thought they were one of the most exciting bands I'd ever heard. Sadly, this wasn't an opinion shared by a whole lot of other listeners (except in Japan). The crunchiest guitars you'll ever hear, coupled with James's crazy falsetto vocals and that amazing sci-fi album art... what's not to love?

Can't even find this song online - go listen to Lava instead. It's a classic.

6. Okkervil River - Yellow

Another one I can't find anywhere online, not even at Last FM. I'll let the lyrics tell the story for me...

You can only go on so long about feelings
that never, ever actually touch you.
No matter how much she told him “I love you,”
he found it would depend

on the gifts that he bought her,
or how badly she was hurt
when the boss was cruel at work.
But he’d just say
“I love you,”
and he’d reach out to her.

5. Ooberman - Igloo II: Yellow Snow

A sequel to their earlier song Why Did My Igloo Collapse?, this finds the Oobs digging deeper into the ice of childhood winters... and not eating the yellow snow. Click the link to download this and everything else Ooberman ever recorded, absolutely free from their website. Well worth a listen, there are some beautiful, beautiful songs here.

4. Elton John - Goodbye Yellowbrick Road

Early 70s Elton - you can't beat it.

3. Devendra Banhart - Little Yellow Spider

I'd like to tell you I'm so cool I'd heard Little Yellow Spider before it was featured in the advert, but you know me better than that. It's a great song, though I'm not entirely sure what happens in the middle when the pig starts mating with a man and has human-pig hybrid babies. They didn't play that bit in the advert. Can't think why.

2. Spearmint - Song For The Colour Yellow

Another one I'm unable to play you, and sadly it's the track that tackles why yellow is so unloved among the colours of the spectrum...

When I was 14
I had a yellow shirt with a huge flapping collar
I wore it to a party one Saturday night
I thought I looked great

But I remember standing in a downstairs loo
While Leone and her boyfriend sat on the floor outside
I remember hearing him say
"Who the bloody hells he? Have you seen his shirt?"
And then laughing

But I've wanted to wear it since
I went to Portebello last Saturday
And there was my shirt
So I bought it back again

At primary school we had sets of crayons
Gorgeous short-stick crayons
That looked even more beautiful
Once the labels had come off

And each crayon had a value
And in the currency of crayons
Red was seen to be worth the most
That's the one everybody wanted
That's the one everybody fought over

Well red was okay
But I wanted yellow

This song means so much to me because when I was a little kid and people used to ask me what my favourite colour was, I'd always tell them yellow because nobody else seemed to like it. I didn't want yellow to be lonely.

1. Joni Mitchell - Big Yellow Taxi

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

"A measure which", according to Alan Partridge "actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise, something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn't quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song."

I quite like the Counting Crows version too, but I hate the way they commit gender crimes with the lyrics. On the original, Joni sings...

Late last night, I heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi took away my old man...

...which rhymes. Almost.

The Crows, though, give us...

Late last night, I heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi took my girl away...

...which doesn't. At all. Why couldn't they have gone with "And a big yellow taxi took away my woman" instead? Eh? Eh? It's political correctness gone mad, Alan!





So, those were mine... what's your favourite yellow song?

You Disgust Meme!

I try not to be too negative on this blog. I always prefer writing about the things I love than the things I hate. But every now and then... I just can't help myself.

Here's a little Meme of Misanthropy, stolen from Calvin's Canadian Cave Of Cool...


Foods which disgust me: Mushy peas. There was one school dinner lady who wouldn't let us leave the dining hall till we'd cleared our plates. Every Friday it was fish, chips and mushy peas. I'd take my plate up to the counter and say "very, very small mushy peas, please". Hours after all the other kids had gone home, I'd still be sat there pushing those evil green bastards (long since cold) round my plate while that tyrant of a dinner lady stood over me and watched that I ate ever last one.

TV shows I loathe: Pretty much anything that describes itself as "reality TV". It's not my reality, and hey - I get enough reality in real life, thanks. I watch TV for fiction. Stories. Wonderment.

Movie I loathe: Just one? Then that'd have to be Gump. The most brain-meltingly patronising, insidiously evil film ever created. Like Triumph Of The Will: The Dumb Hick Years. Celluloid anthrax.



Music genres I loathe: Dance. I can pretty much cope with anything else, but dance music does my head in. It seems designed to be enjoyed by people who are off their tits on E, which is fair enough, and if it were kept to the clubs I wouldn't mind. What I don't understand is people - whole radio stations - who devote their ears to dance music when they're straight and sober. It says nothing to me about my life...

Magazine which annoys me: Y'know, most magazines annoy me these days. Ten years ago, I bought loads of magazines. Empire, Q, Uncut, Mojo, Total Film... one by one, they started to annoy me. I can just about handle The Word, but even that is past its best. Thank god for the internet.

Makes me cranky at a restaurant: Other people. As I've said before, I never get this whole "atmosphere" thing. To me, the perfect restaurant is one where we're the only table there. Anybody else is just an annoyance waiting to happen. Then there's people who can't control their kids. Oh, and bad service. Bad service pisses me off. It's good when you know the guy who owns the restaurant, then you can complain to him and get him to sack the shirkers. (I actually did that last year - does that make me a bad person? Turns out I wasn't the only one to complain.)

Makes me cranky in public: Boorishness.

Makes me cranky in general: Oh come on... BE MORE FUCKING SPECIFIC!

Pisses me off at home: My wireless broadband has a habit of switching itself off, which is very annoying. This also happens whenever Louise tries to use my computer. She thinks I've set it that way to stop her surfing my web. Would I do that?

Pisses me off at work: It'd be easier to ask what doesn't piss me off at work. Every now and then I get to type 'MVO: Talking Dog'. Other than that, it's all shite.

Pisses me off in general: In general? This meme is starting to piss me off now.

Celebrity I hate: Just one? Hanks.

Music artist I hate: Just one? Bono.



I couldn't care less about: The private lives of celebrities. Unless they're doing something really outrageous, like masturbating marmosets, I couldn't give a monkey's.

Movie star you despise: Hanks.

Politician you hate: Bunch of self-serving hypocrites, the lot of them.

Beverage you hate: Milkshakes make me gip.

There. Got that off my chest. Now it's your turn...

Road Crew

I discovered Tommie Kelly's Road Crew quite by chance through a stray tweet on Twitter (every time I type that, I feel like a traitor to my original anti-Twitter stance... but like most such diversions, it's merely a question of finding out how best to use them for your own nefarious ends). I see a lot of online comics, many that are worthy of my attention, but it's not often I'm immediately driven to part with good money for an old-fashioned paper & print version. Not every comic is for every person, but as soon as I read a few episodes online, I knew Road Crew was the book for me.

Road Crew tells the adventures of Jim Soundman, a roadie and soundman-for-hire who gets the shitty backstage jobs at the arse end of the otherwise glamorous world of rock 'n' roll. It started out as a 3 / 4 panel strip but Tommie quickly developed it into full comic pages, usually posting one page a day. It's irreverent and funny and gets more dramatic and real as it goes along. One minute Jim is arguing with promoters, the next he's arguing with the devil in hell, the next he's arguing with his ex-girlfriend who wants to join the crew. There's a lot of arguing in Jim Soundman's life... hence what I said about 'real'.

The first Road Crew collection, Electric Ladyland shows real evolution, both in artwork and scripting, but it only takes a flick through some of the later strips online to see just how much Tommie's storytelling has matured. It's reminiscent of the way Dave Sim's early Cerebus changed from being a pretty straightforward funny animal Conan spoof to something far deeper and more satisfying... now if only Tommie can resist the urge to follow Sim into complete barking, batshit insanity, a bright future awaits him.

Click here to start sampling the delights of Road Crew now.

Something Borrowed

I can't believe it was 2008 when I read Paul Magrs' first 'Brenda & Effie' book, Never The Bride. Where does the time go?

Well, I finally got around to reading the sequel, though Louise has already beat me to the third book, Conjugal Rites, and we notice a fourth is now available in hardback. Too much to read, not enough hours in the day.

Something Borrowed begins where Never The Bride left off, though it's not essential to have read that as Magrs helpfully recaps all that as he goes along (a helpful reminder to slackers like me who've taken 18 months to get round to book 2). I'm wondering if it's OK to reveal the true identity of Brenda by now, or whether I should leave that for new readers to discover. The back cover blurb never reveals it, and you'd think they would if Magrs wanted to use that as a teaser. Suffice it to say, fans of classic horror fiction and films will soon recognise Brenda, though her character as presented by Magrs owes more to Alan Bennett than Mary Shelley, as does the book's whimsical setting of tearooms and boarding houses in the sleepy seaside town of Whitby. Brenda's sidekick Effie is an old Whitby witch, and another legendary horror character (with Whitby connections) also reappears, albeit in an extended flashback sequence, along with new allies and foes including immortal monster hunter Henry Cleavis, Jessie the zombified Womanzee, evil criminal genius Mu Mu Manchu (and his wife), and Goomba, a bamboo monster from another galaxy.

Mixing horror and sci-fi archetypes with gentle observational Northern humour offers no end of possibilities and the pages simply turn themselves. I can't leave it too long to read the next book... particularly after the cliffhanger surprise that ends this one.

'Brenda and Effie' though... I wonder if Magrs is a Billy Joel fan...?



(Billy Joel is turning into Bruce Willis. Or vice versa.)

Top Ten TV Theme Tunes (Vocal)

Compiling my Top Ten Instrumental TV Themes was a pretty easy job. Most of you agreed with at least some of them. Much harder has been the long hours of consideration I've given my Top Ten Sung TV Themes. It'll probably prove a far more divisive list too. But as with everything else on this blog, it's just one man's opinion, and I don't claim it to be worth any more than the cyberspace it's written on.

I rejected the following on the purely scientific basis that I didn't like them as much as the ones I eventually chose. Richard Dawkins would be proud.

The Protectors Avenues & Alleyways is a great Tony Christie romp, but it's absolutely the only thing I remember about this show... and then I discovered it was produced by Gerry Anderson, which I'm afraid was a mark against it. At least it didn't feature puppets.

Moonlighting One of my favourite TV shows, but the Al Jarreau theme has dated. This show had a fantastic soundtrack though.

Red Dwarf Always makes me think of Landslide Of Love by Transvision Vamp.

True Blood I liked this enough to download Jace Everett's album... but I still haven't got round to listening to it.

Other fine singalongs I considered... The Office (Handbags & Gladrags), Extras (Tea For The Tillerman), The Pink Panther Show, Happy Days, The Flintstones, Scooby Doo, Friends (I know, I know, but imagine you hadn't heard it three thousand times), Dastardly & Mutley...

But there can only be ten.


10. Smallville



There's something about Remy Zero's yearning, anthemic Save Me that perfectly captures this show's balance of heroic adventures and duff teen/twentysomething romance. Of all the tunes on this list, it's the one most likely to get edged out by the runners up any other day of the week... but being that I placed it at number ten, that probably goes without saying.

9. M*A*S*H*



Suicide is painless, it brings on many dangers. Like being dead, for instance.

Hey, if it's good enough for the Manics, it's good enough for me.

8. The Greatest American Hero



I vaguely remember watching this cheesy superhero action comedy when I was a kid, but even though I only saw a few episodes, the theme tune really stuck in my head. Up until compiling this post, I was under the mistaken belief that the song was composed and performed by John Sebastian of The Lovin' Spoonful, but it turns out it was actually written by A Team composer Mike Post (with lyrics by Stephen Geyer) and sung by Joey Scarbury. I know nothing. But I know what I like.

7. The Addams Family



Which did you prefer, The Addams Family or The Munsters? As a kid, it was always Herman and Lily for me. But the Addams gang had a far better theme tune, being creepy, kooky and altogether ooky.

6. It's Garry Shandling's Show



Around the time of Garry Shandling's pre-Larry Sanders sitcom, I was really into postmodernism. I was a teenager. It was a phase. Anyway, I found much to appreciate about a sitcom character who knows he's in a TV show - knowledge he doesn't seem to share with his supporting cast.

"This is the theme to Garry's show, the opening theme to Garry's show, this is the music that you hear as you watch the credits..."

5. Spider-Man (1967 cartoon)



What's the one thing about Spider-Man everybody knows?

He does whatever a spider can.

Covered by everyone from The Ramones to Michael Bubbl-ey, though my personal favourite version is by Moxy Früvous, from their album Video Bargainville.

Some may argue that the 60s Batman theme is even more iconic... but to them, I say 'Nanananana!'

4. Minder



"Write the theme tune, sing the theme tune..." What a true Renaissance Man was Dennis Waterman. Really though, if you want a theme tune to get you revved up for a big night out, it's hard to beat a good strong blast of "I could be so good for you!" Plus, he'll love you like you want him to...

3. Monk



When I first heard this theme, I scoured the net for Randy Newman's original, convinced there must be a full length version out there to enjoy. Apparently not, 90 seconds is all you get.

People think I'm crazy, 'cause I worry all the time
If you paid attention, you'd be worried too
You better pay attention
Or this world we love so much might just kill you
I could be wrong now, but I don't think so
It's a jungle out there

If I had to choose a theme song for my own life... sad to say, it'd be Monk every time. I like to think of myself as a cross between Adrian Monk and Gregory House (whose dull Massive Attack theme failed to make either list). Yes, I am 'Mouse'. But certainly not 'Hunk'.

Monk wrapped after its 8th series late last year (I'm still on the 7th) and apparently Randy Newman recorded a new song for the final episode. I bet I cry.

2. Cheers



Cheers remains my all time favourite sitcom - because it's the bar where everybody knows your name. There's a theory that great British sitcoms involve situations no one would ever want to be in, and all the characters want to escape from - whereas great American sitcoms are exactly the opposite. Who wouldn't want a bar like Cheers at the end of their street? Anytime you liked, you could pop in for a cold one, share a friendly greeting with Woody, talk shit with Norm and Cliff, watch Sam hitting on some babe or squabbling with Diane or Rebecca, hear Frasier spouting his pompous opinions... and just feel welcome. "You wanna go where you can see troubles are all the same..." Don't you?

If you've never heard it before, here's the full-length version.

1. The Fall Guy



I probably have more affection for The Fall Guy than is healthy. Is that down to Lee Majors and his sardonic eyebrow? Douglas 'Howie Munson' Barr and his unique brand of tree trunk acting? Heather Thomas, who stirred many a pre-adolescent boy in strange and unprecedented ways?

Or could it all come down to this song...?

I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine.

So. Those were my favourites. What are yours?

VE Day - Victory Over Ebay!

You may remember much whinging and gnashing of teeth on this blog late last year about eBay's decision to force sellers to offer free postage & packing when listing books, comics, CDs, DVDs, computer games and more.

At the time, I went into dull detail about how that decision made it effectively impossible to sell individual comics or 99p CDs on eBay. Although I've since found a couple of loopholes that have allowed me to continue listing comics there without losing too much money, such methods haven't been particularly effective, and I've increasingly found myself resorting to other second hand sales arenas, such as Amazon Marketplace.

Well, it seems I wasn't the only one. You only have to take a look at the number of items listed in these categories recently to see they're way down on last year. As a result, eBay are removing the free postage mandate from next Monday, introducing instead far more sensible postage limits to stop sellers taking the piss. (You know the sellers I mean - you spot a £2.99 graphic novel, think 'bargain!' only to see some muppet wants a fiver P&P for something that costs just over a quid via Royal Mail.)

eBay claims it's making these changes "in response to sellers’ feedback"... far more likely it's in response to greatly reduced eBay profits... but whatever the reason, I see this as a victory for the common man, i.e. me. Us common men & women need to relish every victory we get. We don't get many.

A Walk Through The Woods

So January came in like a lion, but went out like a lamb. It's been a gorgeous weekend, the sort of crisp winter days that make winter almost bearable. Perfect for a walk through the woods. Clear blue skies, golden sunlight through undressed branches, big fat ponies in frosty meadows...

Watch out. Fat Pony's coming to get you!