Iron Man 2 - out of...?

OK, so it's not that bad.

But it's not that good either.

After the romp of the first film, Iron Man 2 falls a little flat. There's nothing truly bad about it, not Wolverine-bad, certainly not Ghost Rider-bad... but maybe we were all just spoilt by the first one. It tries hard. It makes all the right noises. It just doesn't make them with half as much wit or style as its predecessor. The script is weaker, the banter contrived, some of the comedy verges on slapstick, the main plot resolution involves some of most laughable comic book science you'll ever see... and I use the word 'comic book' reluctantly, since no comic writer worth his salt these days would deliver a payoff that amounts to little more than squaring (or at least triangulating) the circle. Meanwhile, the final armour-clad scrap is just a big pile of CGI clanking, but then I felt that about the Stark / Stane showdown in the first film too. At least you can tell the good guys from the bad guys - so it's not Transformers.

For all that, there is some fun to be had in Iron Man 2. Downey Jr. delivers once again as Stark, though he doesn't get half as many killer lines and those he does get are often lost as the actors talk over each other. Sam Rockwell puts the ham into Justin Hammer, but it's a tasty kind of ham, with relish. Mickey Rourke growls in Russian a lot, but just about manages to make Whiplash cool (a bloody miracle, considering). The stand out action sequence is the one heavily promoted in the trailer, set at the Monaco Grand Prix... that can't have been cheap. Scarlett Johansson brings the wood as always. A very expensive, very beautiful kind of wood - walnut or sandalwood, say - but wood all the same. Yes, I'm sure all those tight-fitting outfits also brought wood to a large swathe of the audience, but it doesn't mean she can act, does it? At least Gwyneth Paltrow achieves a staggering two-film record of being not-at-all-annoying, which frankly, given her previous form, is an achievement of epic proportions. Worthy of an Oscar. Or at least a new song from her wet hubby. Nice to see Roger from Mad Men pop up as Tony's dad too - perfect casting.

Iron Man 2 then - the booster jets are firing at half power. Which is a disappointment, but not a catastrophe. There were enough geeky moments to please my inner fanboy, and even those in the audience who didn't stick around for a glimpse of Mjolnir seemed to enjoy themselves... at times. At least I didn't hate it as much as shellhead's Number One Fan. Though I do have to agree with him about SLJ's eyepatch...

30 Songs - Day 1

Here's something I thought I'd try - a song a day, as suggested by a meme Nic stole from Kieron Gillen who in turn found it on tumblr.

There are 30 song-related questions to answer. Originally I thought about doing one a day for a month, but I decided that would get messy as I'd have to either a) run two posts some days; or b) put all my other ramblings on hold. Instead, I've decided to post one of these every day I don't have anything else to write about. We'll see how long it takes to get through them all.

(If you want to play along, the complete list of song suggestions is here.)

Let's start with the obvious one...


Day 01 – Your Favorite Song




A record so perfect, I had to write a story about it.

It's just like the Boo Radleys sang, Jimmy Webb Is God.

Comic Book Questionairre

A meme by any other name would smell as sweet. This one comes from Ryan at Stinkbrown... and he actually devised it himself, so link back to him if you do it and make his day!


1. Did you read comics as a kid?

Since I was seven years old.

2. Who bought you your first comic?

My mum. She bought me one of the first Marvel UK Hulk Comics which featured British-created Hulk strips based on the Bixby/Ferringo TV show which was out at the time. Because I enjoyed that comic so much, she set up a standing order with the local newsagents to get it every week, and soon after added Marvel UK's Spider-Man Weekly, as I was also a big fan of the 60s Spider-Man cartoon which was re-running at the time, and the live action Nicholas Hammond show which musn't have made it over to the UK till '78/'79.

So I owe it all to my mum, who's always been very supportive of my hobby. A few years later she'd regularly take me on the train to the big comic marts in Leeds, and she always seemed to give me enough pocket money to buy the comics I wanted - even when my dad lost his job and the family had to tighten the purse strings while he set up his own business.

Anyway, look what I found on the net - the cover of the first Spider-Man comic my mum ever bought me!



3. Did you take any time away from comics? Why?

I came close during the 90s at the height of the "let the artists write too!" pre-Image boom. I even gave up reading Spider-Man for a few months during the Clone Saga. But even then there were a few books I still picked up (mostly DC, ironically).

4. What brought you back into comics?

This is going to be a controversial answer, but Joe Quesada. His Marvel Knights imprint brought serious writers back to Marvel, and to superhero comics in general. Books like Kevin Smith's Daredevil paved the way for the renaissance in intelligent comic book storytelling we're living through today.

Now before all you Quesada-haters and "comics were much better back when I were a lad" types start jumping up and down in the comments section, a couple of points. One, that's just my opinion so nyah nyah nyah. And two, no matter how awful you might find the Quesada/Bendis/DiDio/Johns/Loeb axis of evil, can you honestly say the medium is in worse shape artistically today than it was in 1995?

Really?



5. Do you prefer getting comics monthly or in trades?

Mostly in trade these days, with one obvious exception.

6. Do you know the name of your Local Comic Shop (LCS)?

I'm not even sure I have a local comic shop anymore. I'm pretty sure there isn't one in Huddersfield, and the one in Bradford that used to be my LCS in the 90s closed down ages ago, so my nearest ones are now in Leeds and Manchester. Oh, there's quite a cool one in Hebden Bridge, but the last time I went in there, they didn't have what I was looking for. (A copy of the Vaughan / Risso Logan collection to give to my nephew and his wife to celebrate the birth of their son, Logan.)

7. Does your LCS know your name?

No, but when I had a LCS, they used to. They even sold my comics for me.

8. Do you own any old number 1 comics (must date before 1980)?

Not anymore, I'm afraid. For a long time I had a pretty sizeable Spider-Man collection dating back to the 60s, including Peter Parker The Spectacular Spider-Man #1, but finances have dictated I sell the majority of it - well, all the issues I was able to acquire in some kind of reprint format. (I've got all the Amazing Spider-Man Marvel Masterworks so far published, and the necessary Essential editions to cover the issues that haven't yet made it into MMW.)



9. Do you own any original comic art?

Back when I was a letterhack (oh, those dark days - there's a blog post in that one day, surely?), I was occasionally sent sketches by artists whose work I praised in print, including Barry Kitson, Terry Austin and the late Mike Parobeck. But the original comic art I cherish most is from artists I've collaborated with on my own comics.

10. Do you bag and board your comics?

Bag, yes - board, no. Trades and collections just go straight on the shelf.

11. Where do you store your comics?

In the attic, along with all my books and CDs, my computer and various other bits and bobs. Luckily it's a BIG attic.

12. How many comics do you read right now, in either floppy or trade format?

Too many to count, not as many as I'd like to. As regular floppies I only buy Amazing Spider-Man and a bunch of indie / small press books, everything else I wait for the trade.

13. What would be your number one, all-time desert island, favourite comic series?

You know the answer to that.



14. Do you follow comic creators on Twitter?

More than is healthy.

15. Do you have a favourite comic creator?

All-time, I'd have to say Stan Lee (writer) and John Romita (artist), with special mention to Steve Ditko.

Present day, probably Ed Brubaker and Marcos Martin.

In between... JM DeMatteis, John Byrne (before the fall), Frank Miller (before the fall), Mike Wieringo, Mark Waid, Peter David, Grant Morrison, Peter Milligan, Ross Andru, Sal Buscema, George Perez, Marv Wolfman, Brian K. Vaughan, John Romita Jr. (Sorry, Nige and Tone), Eduardo Risso, Sean Phillips, Kevin Maguire, Adam Hughes... and a load more.

16. Do you harbour any aspirations to create your own comics?

What, you mean like these...?









17. Do you access comic news online, if so where?

My first points of contact are Newsarama and Comic Book Resources. After that, I'm all over the place.


Time to pick sides:

Marvel or DC?

I started life as a Marvel zombie with little time for DC. Sometime in the mid-80s, I was lured to the dark side by Marv Wolfman and George Perez, and though I never turned my back on Marvel completely, I spent some very enjoyable times in the DC Universe... until Dan Didio came along with the express intention of slaughtering all the bwa-ha-ha. Nowadays, a couple of Vertigo books and Morrison's Batman aside, I'm Marvel all the way again. I owe Didio for that though - I really couldn't afford it if he started publishing readable comics again.

Superman or Batman?

Batman. The problem with Superman, as has been stated time and time again, is that he's way too powerful. He's also incredibly dull. There have been some half-decent stabs at making him interesting - notably by John Byrne, Grant Morrison, Christopher Reeve and the creators of Smallville... but he'll never been in the same league as that psycho in the flying rat costume.

Spider-Man or Wolverine?

No competition. There's no other character in comics I feel as much kinship with as Peter Parker. When the world gives him lemons, he tries his hardest to make lemonade for everyone. When the world gives Wolverine lemons - snikt! It's hardly the same.

Iron Fist or Luke Cage?

Tough one. But at risk of upsetting both Ryan and the Bendis-baiters, I think I'll have to pick Cage. I always preferred my characters street-level, and Danny Rand gets a little too 'grasshopper!' for me at times, much as I enjoy his adventures.



Nick Fury normal or Nick Fury Sam Jackson?

Let's see... by Nick Fury Sam Jackson, do you mean Mark Millar's Nick Fury Sam Jackson? In that case, I go with Hasslehoff!

Spandex or real life stories?

You mean... spandex isn't real life?

Should I change my clothes?

Golden Age or Silver Age or Modern Age?

I prefer to live in the present, but spend a lot of time in the past.

Digital or paper?

Paper. And that goes double for books.

Gotham or New York?

New York. Gotham is full of psychotic murderers and a mostly corrupt police department. New York, on the other hand...

Hero or villain?

You can't have one without the other. Every Spider-Man needs his Doc Ock.

Cape or no cape?

If I were a superhero, I think I'd want a cape. A Todd McFarlane cape. He may not have been good for much, but the Toddler did draw a mighty fine cape.



Cowl or domino mask?

Full face mask with huge white eyes and concentric web pattern in between.


Is that all? I could have played this game all night long!

I Can't Stand Up...

...for falling down, sang Elvis Costello. Me, I just can't stand up. As I discovered to my cost on Saturday night in Leeds while trying to watch Ash.

The last time I saw Ash live, Tim Wheeler had a really bad throat. This time, I had a really bad back. No, it's not getting any better, and I'm still waiting for my scan. Walking isn't too bad, sitting isn't too bad, but standing still...? Standing still is agony. So much so that I had to take two mid-gig breaks and go walk around outside the bar area for ten minutes or so before venturing back in to watch the band.

Still, I enjoyed most of what I saw, despite the discomfort. Ash are on top form at the moment, midway through their mammoth A-Z singles project (a new single every fortnight for a year). So far they've released some belters - including True Love 1980, Return Of The White Rabbit, Joy Kicks Darkness, Arcadia and Pripyat - all of which are up there with their strongest material, making for an excellent set when combined with oldies like Shining Light, Girl From Mars, Oh Yeah!, Kung Fu and Burn Baby Burn. There were a couple of surprising choices towards the end / during the encore (including an obscure Weezer cover and a weaker track from their underwhelming last album Twilight Of The Innocents), but mostly this was a band at the top of their game... if only the same could be said for this particular audience member. This might have to be my last gig until I've got my back sorted out. I just can't stand it anymore.

Friends At The Wedding

On Friday I drove down to Wroxhall Abbey, south of Birmingham, for the wedding of my old mate Davey Metcalfe (now Metcalfe-Carr - I must remember that when referring to him in future) and his new bride Melanie. There I met with Nigel Lowrey and Tony McGee, who I've probably known as long as I've known Davey (Nige probably even longer)... and that's getting on for 20 years now. Despite this, I'd only ever met Nige once before in person, and I'd never met Tone. Dave I've seen more regularly, but only because he used to live up north and we'd often go gigging together. Since moving to the midlands I've hardly seem him at all.

And yet, I consider all three good friends, and am in regular correspondence with both Nige and Tone, while Dave's always around - even though his internet time has been sporadic of late. We share a lot of common interests and all three have been invaluable collaborators on a variety of comic projects over the years, as well as helping me with all manner of other mischief (from free printing services to website design and beyond) without ever asking for a thing in return. (I'm just 'take, take, take', me.)

You might expect us all to have met via the internet, yet we actually came together before any of us were even online. Back then you had to buy a small ad in the back of Comics International as a way of pleading for new friends, and most of our early communication was via handwritten (or in my case, typed) letters. Remember letters? I'd post out scripts, they'd post back parcels of art, but it was often the letters accompanying those parcels that I valued most. Like most people, I've been through some pretty hard times in years gone by, but those letters made me smile in my hours of darkness. Even when they came with a mixtape or a magazine article or a free comic, it was always the tatty bits of lined paper I valued the most.

Eventually technology found a way to make that communication easier, though Nige and I do still swap letters, because there's something about snail-mail that'll never be replaced by e-. We got online, joined the same chat groups, opened up blogs and websites, stumbled onto twitter... And before I knew it, 17 years had passed and I'd got myself some friends for life. Ones I hardly ever see, though I know they're always there. (And they aren't the only ones - I met Miller once at a Springsteen gig, but the likes of Chev, Kelvin and Rainey have had lucky escapes so far. You'll get yours eventually, guys.)

To be fair, the rest of the gang meet up slightly more regularly than once every ten years. I'm the hermit of the group. Partly that's down to distance, mostly it's down to me being a misanthropic sociophobe who rarely leaves Yorkshire. Still, it was good to see them on Friday, and maybe we won't leave it so long next time.

The old saying goes "you can choose your friends, you can't choose your family" (or something), and though I do know what it means, I'm not sure you actually choose either. Some friendships just happen, as if by magic. Good job really... who else would read this blog?

Top Ten Detectives

If you were murdered tomorrow, and the killer didn't immediately parade the streets dressed in your flayed skin to advertise the glory of his crime... who would you want to catch the case?

I've been giving this some serious thought, and have arrived at the following list of investigators. I had to leave out a few fine and capable sleuths along the way, including Remington Steele (and Laura Holt), John Rebus, Ralph & Sue Dibney (damn you, DiDio!) and... possibly... the intriguing new team of Rick Castle and Kate Beckett. (Nathan Fillion can do no wrong, so I'm sticking with it.)

So, if anything suspicious happens to me in the next few weeks... you know who to call. And get them to take a long, hard look at Louise...



10. Nick & Norah Charles



"When they met... it was moidah!"

Long before Robert Wagner and Stephanie Powers got together to solves mysteries as Mistuh and Missus Hart, Nick & Nora Charles were setting the template for sassy crimebusting couples in Dashiel Hammet's The Thin Man, adapted into a series of movies starring William Powell and Myrna Loy.

9. David Addison & Maddie Hayes



OK, so they'd bicker a lot... sing the odd song or lapse into the odder bout of Shakespeare, Dr. Seuss or The Three Stooges... but the sexual tension would be crackling. And they'd get their man (or woman) in the end. After an obligatory crazy chase scene, soundtracked by Motown, of course.

8. Sherlock Holmes



Much as I love Robert Downey Jr., Guy Ritchie's Holmes left such a bad taste that the king of all sleuths can't even make my Top Five. Still, I did enjoy the original Conan Doyle Hound Of The Baskervilles, so Holmes would always be worth a call... unless he brought Jude Law along with him.

7. Daryl Zero



Another self-confessed contender for world's greatest detective, Daryl Zero can solve crimes without ever leaving his house. Which is a good job, considering he's also the world's most agoraphobic detective. If you've never seen Zero Effect, drop everything and scoot down the video shop now. Bill Pullman's finest hour.

6. Bruce Wayne



Batman is always a far more interesting character when using his mind to solve the dastardly plots of the Joker and Riddler than when using his fists to punch out Bane or Killer Croc.

5. Frank (?) Columbo



"Just one more thing..."

The biggest mystery to solve regarding Columbo appears to be just what is his first name? Even Wikipedia can't be sure, with debate raging between Frank and Philip... while the identity of his wife proves another head-scratcher. I reckon Mrs. Columbo is two-timing him with Norm from Cheers.

4. Adrian Monk



Heir to the quirky, annoyingly persistent Columbo crown, Adrian Monk has a special place in my heart due to his obsessive compulsive, hypochondriac nature. I have my moments. He also has a tragic past and a bitter outlook on life that makes me love him all the more.

3. Endeavour Morse



The world's grumpiest detective - yet I was amazed how many pics I found online with him smiling. Also another sleuth who famously kept his first name under wraps, until Lewis finally solved that mystery on his death. Then again, if my parents had christened me Endeavour, I'd probably have been grumpy too.

2. Phillip Marlowe



I'm a huge Chandler fan, so Marlowe narrowly beats Hammett's Sam Spade, though with Bogart playing both to such iconic perfection, it's often difficult to tell them apart.

Vivian: I don't like your manners.

Marlowe: And I'm not crazy about yours. I didn't ask to see you. I don't mind if you don't like my manners, I don't like them myself. They are pretty bad. I grieve over them on long winter evenings. I don't mind your ritzing me drinking your lunch out of a bottle. But don't waste your time trying to cross-examine me.

1. Andy Sipowicz

It always comes back to Andy.

As Arthur Fancy famously said...

He's one of a kind. If a member of my family was murdered; I'd want Sipowicz to catch the case.

But who would you want investigating your own demise?

Go on, I may need to know who I'm up against...

Luke and Jon

Luke's mum is killed in a car crash, so his dad moves them to a shabby northern town, and an even shabbier house perched on the edge of a windswept fell. There he meets Jon, a boy who lives with two decrepit grandparents and suffers at the hands of vicious school bullies. The two become friends and help each other through some troubling times, including Jon's grandparents getting taken into care, Luke's dad's potential descent into alcoholism, and the inquest into the accident (?) that killed his mum. If that all sounds a bit bleak, it's not. Williams retains a positive, warm-hearted tone throughout, even when tackling some of Luke's darkest thoughts (would it have been better if his dad had been killed in that accident?) or his brutal response to Jon's bullies.

Salvation comes in the form of a wooden horse in the woods, a grueling cross country run and an enormous wave. None of these are connected; there's a randomness to certain plot elements that is refreshingly unwriterly, and I suspect could only have come from a first timer. Williams is far more interested in telling his story than dazzling us with his prose, and that's why you'll devour this novel in no time. There's a suggestion from the back cover that L&J would be suitable for Young Adult readers, and certainly it's the sort of book I'd have enjoyed as a teenager, around the same time I discovered Alan Garner. But that shouldn't discourage older readers - this is a mature and affecting story for all ages.

Luke and Jon was the winner of this year's National Book Tokens Not Yet Published Prize. Deservedly so.

I looked across at Jon's bed and saw the three of us reflected in the black window and started to laugh like a lunatic. I held my hand over my mouth and nose and tried to keep it down and hold it in but it bubbled up and sprayed out anyway. Dad looked annoyed and Jon looked shocked. I managed to calm myself and stifle the laughs and I apologised. I said it was just because I was nervous. And although that is true, I do laugh when I'm nervous, it was really the sight of us reflected back in the hospital window that set me off. We looked so gormless and mismatched and bloody useless. But we were having a go at least. You can't say we weren't doing that.

Detective Songs

I've been compiling a list of my Top Ten Detectives (coming soon)... which got me wondering whether I could manage list of ten detective songs (to match my Top Ten Doctor Songs). It's amazing what you find when you start investigating...



10. Robert Palmer - Looking For Clues ( From Clues)

I'd been hired to track down a lead on why Robert Palmer was still considered uncool when he left us so many great songs like this one. I hit a dead end.

9. The Thompson Twins - We Are Detective ( From The Greatest Hits)

I'm not a Thompson Twins fan. It's just a coincidence that two of their biggest hits featured a doctor and a detective. Pity their Sexy Solicitor single was such a flop.

8. Reverend & The Makers - Armchair Detective ( From The State of Things: Parental Advisory)

Armchair detective, what you surmising?
A fountain of knowledge in times of crisis
Opinions like arseholes on days like today; everyone's got one
You'd best say it quick while it's fresh in your mind, say it before it's forgotten

Just cos you shout loudest don't mean that you're right

Sage advice from a right gobshite.

7. Dire Straits - Private Investigations ( From The Best of Dire Straits & Mark Knopfler - Private Investigations)

Yes, Dire Straits. Deal with it. You're just lucky I didn't have room for Private Eyes by Hall & Oates.

Don't worry, things get much cooler after this.

6. Compulsion - Juvenile Scene Detective ( From Juvenile Scene Detective)

Formerly known as The Amazing Colossal Men, this Irish band were part of one the NME's regular "let's create a new scene" attempts back in the early 90s... but really, 'The New Wave of New Wave'? Not a bad song though, which I discovered on one of those old Shine CDs. Guitarist Garrett Lee went on to become Jacknife Lee, famous U2 and Snow Patrol producer. I preferred him when he was poor.

5. Elvis Costello - Watching The Detectives ( From My Aim Is True [Deluxe])

She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake.

Raymond Chandler would approve.

4. They Might Be Giants - (She Was A) Hotel Detective ( From They Might Be Giants)

She's got her ear to the walls and she's tappin' the calls
If you've got a secret boy, forget about it!

VI Warshawski would approve.

3. Superman Revenge Squad - Been A Private Detective For 17 Months

Been a Private Detective for Seventeen Months
Don't do it for money, just do it for love
Like last night when my client got over excited
When his wife had an orgy and he wasn't invited
We sat in the car taking pictures and smoking
My client just sat there eating mini cheddars and hoping
His wife was thinking of him every time she kisses someone else's lips
She's thinking of him, and in her mind's eye those groping eyes are his
And in her mind's eye those peeping hands are his
And in her mind's eye every ounce of flesh, that gets inside her dress, is his...

The story continues here.

Superman Revenge Squad win points for writing the only song I can think of that namechecks Mini Cheddars.

You could do much worse than buying this guy's entire back catalogue - it's all very affordable!

2. Arab Strap - Love Detective ( From Love Detective)

A man plays detective on a cheating lover. Don't ever read her diary, you're bound to regret it. From the undisputed kings of sleazy bedroom angst.



1. Hamell On Trial - The Long Drive ( From Choochtown)

My favourite detective song, from the Chandleresque mind of Ed Hamell. Pure bottled noir in a song. Ed Brubaker is taking notes...




Mystery solved - but do you have a favourite detective song?

Writing & Sexual Politics

I'm just finishing up my latest play, and as usual it's a comedy about male/female relationships. Whenever I write a play, it always tends to end up being about that. One of the biggest compliments I've had about previous plays is that I write equally strong male and female parts. One (female) reader went as far to say "you obviously really understand how women think", but I'm not sure I'd agree with that. Really, I just try to understand how people think.

Having said that, gender politics is a thorny issue. Sometimes I write something, and though it seems perfectly natural for the characters and themes involved, I still worry that it might be misinterpreted. That it might come across as sexist or sleazy. Take the scene below... it's one of my favourites in the new play, and I know exactly what I'm trying to say with it... but does it work... or could it possibly be taken as offensive? If you can spare the time to read it, I'd really welcome your feedback.

You don't really need to know much about what's gone before, other than that this scene involves three characters - Kurt (who's in a coma) and Alison and Andy (who are trying to wake him up from said coma). Andy is the play's fourth-wall breaker, so he does occasionally talk directly to the audience, but no one else in the cast hears these comments.


Alison: What are we gonna do now?

Andy: I dunno. I mean… we’ve tried the stick. Maybe we ought to try the carrot.

Alison: The carrot?

Andy: Tempt him out of his coma… lure him out of his coma… entice him out of—

Alison: With what? A cake? I didn’t bring him any treats, did you?

Andy: You could… (He mimes opening his shirt fast.)

Alison: I could… what?

Andy: You know – flash him the merchandise.

Alison: Oh my god.

Andy: What? I know I’d open my eyes for that.

Alison: I don’t believe… That’s so sexist.

Andy: You see… no, no it’s not. Not sexist against women, anyway. If anything, it’s sexist against men. It’s saying men are so shallow and pruriently obsessed with the female form… we’ll even emerge from a coma for the chance to cop an eyeful.

Alison: And… you’re comfortable with this… shameful defamation of your entire gender?

Andy: Hey, I didn’t create masculinity. I didn’t install the basic biological urges some might say are entirely necessary for the propagation of our fine species. Neither did I devise the moral code by which you judge such instinctive behaviour to be shameful in the first place. It just is what it is…

Alison: You’re a pig.

Andy: Then grease me up and call me Porky.

Alison: Besides, what you’re not taking into account here is that Kurt here – he doesn’t even like me. He’s never liked me. We - don’t like - each other.

Andy: So?

Alison: So!? So why would he want to see my--?

Andy: That’s got nothing to do with nothing. (Motioning to the audience:) You ask any bloke here, whether he likes you or not – whether he hates your guts… it doesn’t matter - if he was being completely honest, would he like to see your boobs right now? I’m telling you, the only ones who’d say ‘no’ would be the liars who wanted to look good in front of their wife or their girlfriend… oh, and the gays, who probably couldn’t give a toss. The rest? “Bring it on!”

Alison: Yes, well, as the only other man here right now is unconscious…

Andy: (Rolling his eyes.) So ask him!

Alison: This is ridiculous.

Andy shrugs.

Alison: How do I know this isn’t just some cheap way for you to cop an eyeful?

Andy turns away.

Andy: I’ll be the perfect gentleman.

Alison gives him a look… but she is actually considering this.

Alison: I can’t believe I’m actually…

Andy: You’re the one who wants him to wake up so bad.

Alison sighs. She undoes a button on her top. She shakes her head.

Alison: I feel like I’m taking a colossal step backwards for my entire gender.

She undoes another button. Andy peeps back over his shoulder. Alison almost catches him, but he’s looking the other way when she looks at him, acting all innocent.

Alison: Next thing you know, I’ll be running round the garden in a nurse’s uniform, getting chased by Benny Hill…

Andy: That’d probably wake up the entire ward…

She starts to undo another button.

Kurt groans. He’s waking up.

Alison: Kurt…?

Andy turns to see Kurt open his eyes.

Andy: Not yet, you moron!

Kurt: Where… where am I?

Alison: (Doing up her buttons. To Andy:) Huh - I told you he hated me.

Kurt: What happened?

Andy: You blew it – that’s what happened! You really are an idiot! Not to mention a traitor to your brothers everywhere!

The original scene doesn't end here, but what follows returns to the play's main plot and is not linked to what you've just read.

The Island In Manchester

"How do you fancy going to see Paul Brady?" asked Dave.

"OK," I said. "Although I think I only really know one of his songs."

"Yeah... but it's a cracker."



The Island is one of those songs that stops you in your tracks. A turn up the radio, turn off everything else kind of song. It's emotional without being corny, it carries a message without stooping to lecture, it's haunting and vivid and honest. It was worth going to see Paul Brady at Manchester's Bridgewater Hall on Friday night just to hear him sing this. And although The Island was always destined to be the evening's highlight, Brady has a few more tricks up his sleeve besides. Like the enigmatic Nobody Knows, the exuberant The World Is What You Make It, and the furious Nothing But The Same Old Story. A good night. A great singer. A classy venue.

Now go press play on the link above. If you've never heard it before, you need to.

Ghostwritten

"We're all ghostwriters, my boy. And it's not just our memories. Our actions, too. We all think we're in control of our own lives, but really they're pre-ghostwritten by forces around us."

Being that two of my favourite novels of recent years are Cloud Atlas and (particularly) Black Swan Green, it's taken me too long to delve in David Mitchell's back catalogue. The author's only written four novels so far (a fifth, The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet, is released later this year), so I went back to the beginning. (I've often been discouraged from buying Number 9 Dream because of its title - damn my Beatles-phobia! - but I'm not going to let that stop me much longer.)

Published in 1999, Ghostwritten is a stunning debut. Much closer in style to Cloud Atlas than the more personal and immediate Black Swan Green, it tells a series of nine tales that cross time and space, mixing elements of legend, sci fi, thriller, relationship drama, ghost story, politics and more to breathtaking effect.

It begins in Okinawa, Japan, with a religious zealot planning a poison gas attack on the Tokyo subway. Then we move to Tokyo itself where a young man working in a record store falls in love with a girl to a soundtrack played by Duke Ellington and Charlie Parker. After that it's on to Hong Kong where a huge financial deal is going sour for a British lawyer whose love life is following a similar trajectory, and whose apartment is haunted by a mischievous ghost. Then China, where a young woman grows up, and grows old, running a tea shop on the edge of Holy Mountain, experiencing years of political change and unrest, and gaining sage advice from a talking tree. In Mongolia, we follow the story of a disembodied spirit, moving between human hosts in its search for the truth behind its origins. On to Russia where a gang of thieves steal paintings from a Saint Petersburg museum. Then to London where a rakish ghostwriter (who also plays drums in a band called The Music Of Chance) gambles on his future. In the novel's penultimate section, we arrive on Clear Island, off County Clare, Ireland, where a fugitive quantum physicist seeks to escape the American military who are seeking to force her into building smart weapons. Finally, a late night phone-in host in New York City gets to decide the fate of the world while in conversation with a rogue artificial intelligence that has taken control of a sky full of military and communication satellites.

All these stories connect and influence each other in endlessly surprising fashion. I picked up on many of the connections, but I'm sure that were I to go back to the beginning and start reading all over again, I'd pick up many more. This is a novel that almost demands a second read, not only for its complex, interweaving themes and plots, for also for the invigoration of Mitchell's prose. It's rare to find a writer so at ease writing so many different genres, locations, characters and narrative styles. Deliciously unputdownable - if every published novel I read was as well written as this, I'd never type another word.

"...most lunatics are writer, Bat - believe me. The human world is made up of stories, not people. The people the stories use to tell themselves are not to be blamed. You are holding one of the pages where these stories tell themselves, Bat. That's why I tune in."

Hurt Songs

Went to the doctor again about my bad back on Monday. It's the first time I've ever had a doctor apologise to me. "I'm really sorry the physio I recommended hasn't worked..." Now the cynics among you are probably thinking that's just a fob-off your grump patients line, but it sounded genuine enough to me - and considering the bad experiences I've had with docs over the years, I was pleased to find another one who actually seemed interested in helping me.

Anyway, he's sending me for an MRI. Which is very exciting. Locked in a huge pod going bang-bang-bang-bang - I'll feel like I'm in an episode of House. I do hope I get Hugh Laurie... or Olivia Wilde.



To celebrate my impending cure (you live in hope, you die in despair), here's a countdown of my favourite... Hurt Songs...


10. Felt - I Didn't Mean To Hurt You

As close as Culture Club or Jealous Guy will get to this list is in comparison to the mighty Felt. I may be a child of the 80s, but I have to draw the line somewhere. And I draw it under Lawrence.

9. John Mellencamp - Hurts So Good

Pain is so close to pleasure, as Freddie Mercury put it. These musicians - they're a load of bloody sado-masochists. I've dropped quite a bit of JCM into my recent song lists. I make no apologies for that. The man is legend.

8. Sad Cafe - Every Day Hurts

Sad Cafe were a short-lived group led by Paul Young (not that one), who later went on to work with Paul Carrack and Mike Rutherford in Mike & The Mechanics. This was their biggest hit, a radio staple when I was growing up... and starting in radio. Strangely, I never quite got sick of it.

Everyone always bangs on about how Paul Carrack played keyboards on the first Smiths album. But... does that really pardon him for Mike & The Mechanics?

(OK, The Living Years still brings a tear to my eye. I'm not ashamed to admit it.)

7. Aimee Mann - I Could Hurt You Now

This is for the one who made good
In someone else's neighborhood
One who was never anything but
The shifty eye of sheer bad luck
One I thought that I would never forget
But I could hurt you now
I could hurt you now

6. We Are Scientists - Nobody Move, Nobody Gets Hurt

I saw them live once, and this song stood out above all the rest. The video's worth a watch too - kinda Reservoir Dogs meets The Banana Splits.

5. Flight Of The Conchords - Hurt Feelings

Some people say that rappers don’t have feelings
We have feelings. (We have feelings)
Some people say that we are not rappers. (We’re rappers.)
That hurts our feelings.
(Hurts our feelings when you say we’re not rappers.)
Some people say that rappers are invincible
We’re vincible. (We’re vincible.)
What you are about to hear are true stories
(Real experiences)
Autobiographical raps.
Things that happened to us, All true
Bring the rhyme!

4. Skunk Anansie - Twisted (Everyday Hurts)

Ah, I said enough about this lot back in November.

3. Gram Parsons & Emmylou Harris - Love Hurts

I'm torn between this... or the Roy Orbison version... or the Everly Brothers version. Or the Jim Capaldi version. Or the Nazareth version. Or the Billy Ocean version.

OK, I know the Billy Ocean version is actually a completely different song (Love Really Hurts Without You), but I had to squeeze him in here somewhere.

2. REM - Everybody Hurts

Tarnished slightly by that ghastly Helping Haiti! charidee single from earlier this year (a worthy cause, but a godawful abortion of a cover), that might go to explain why Stipey and co. don't reach the top spot with one of their most personal, direct and moving songs. The other explanation follows...

1. Johnny Cash - Hurt

A towering performance of the Nine Inch Nails track that marks Johnny Cash's passing into legend. I challenge you not to be moved by an old man mourning his beloved wife through song...



So... those were my favourite hurt songs. No runners up, because I'm convinced nobody ever reads them. But what song hurts you the most?

I-Day

My most awaited new album of the year was released last night, and so far it's living up to all expectations. Songs For Swinging Lovers is the second album by The Indelicates, whose debut record, American Demo was my favourite of 2008.

But Songs For Swinging Lovers is more than just eleven great songs and a couple of cool bonus tracks. It's also a shot across the bow against the UK goverment's recently passed Digital Economy Act, from artists violently opposed to state censorship and ill-informed nanny state legislation.

The Indelicates believe (the balance of our rights notwithstanding) that there is a bright future for music with or without it. If you can't beat them, make them obsolete. Fuck signed and unsigned, baby, this is the era of the unsignable.

With this in mind, the band have set up their own record company, cheekily named Corporate Records, which they're inviting anybody to sign to. Corporate Records will help any new band or artist distribute their work through the website for just a minimal admin charge (UPDATE - full details from Simon Indelicate himself in the comments... or pop over to the Corporate Records website). They'll also let the customer decide how much he or she wants to pay for their music... £10 or £0... or any other sum you choose.

Yes, yes, Radiohead did a similar thing. But it's one thing from an internationally famed, stadium-filling act with a fanbase in the millions... and quite another from a struggling "indie" (in all the best senses of that word) band without two pennies to rub together. But what's important to The Indelicates is getting their music out there. They're quietly confident that if enough people hear this record, they'll gradually start to build a fan base who will happily spend money on them... buying the forthcoming CD special editions of the album, their ever-imaginative Indelicates merchandise, or even a ticket to see them playing live. I know I'll be doing just that - having already paid full price for the download. Because, as I've said here before, we need more artists like The Indelicates. And there's only one way to get them...

Songs For Swinging Lovers is available to download here... for whatever you choose to pay for it.

Read more about Simon Indelicate's thoughts on the Digital Economy Act here.

See the first video from Songs For Swinging Lovers below...

Beside The Sea

In Veronique Olmi's heartbreaking French novella, a mother takes her two young sons to the seaside for their final holiday. What follows is a sensitively drawn character study of loneliness, desperation and maternal love gone wrong. There's no doubting that this woman loves her sons - it's just the rest of the world she can't cope with. Those of a misanthropic bent will find much to sympathise with as the world closes in around the central character and she tries to shield her children from all its everyday unpleasantness, seeking final moments of joy for them, and herself, before the inevitable happens. Parents of young children may find it painful reading, especially the final tragic pages and bitter, futile denouement.

Hey, it's a French novel, allow me.

Speaking of which, excellent translation by Adriana Hunter. Novels in translation sometimes lose something, trying too hard to be transatlantic or pan-cultural. Here the translator chooses a colluquial English that suits the doomed intimacy of this story perfectly.

Indiana Rol & The (CD) Case Of The Annoying eBayer

So I'm selling a CD on eBay. Quite a recently released CD that I bought, couldn't get into, realised I was never going to listen to again, so said goodbye to.

The CD's sitting there, attracting the odd bid and the odder watcher, when along comes a question. I hate people who ask questions on eBay. Particularly as most of the time the questions they ask can be answered simply by reading the item description.

This time, the question comes all the way from the Ukraine. In broken English. Not that I'm about to take the piss over that - this guys knows far better English than I do Ukraninan. Here's what he asked...

Write me please what country made and print it.

I replied:

If I understand your question correctly - this CD was made and sold in the UK.

He replies with a thank you, bids and wins the CD. He pays, I post it to him.

Then, about a week later I receive the following...

I recieved CD today. Thank you. You write me after my question MADE IN UK, but it is EU. I not very happy. I not send positive.

I reply (offering him a refund if he returns the CD to me)...

I'm afraid I don't understand the difference between the EU and UK version, but I presume there is one. This was bought in a UK shop, so I presumed it was a UK CD. It was not bought on the internet, where it might have come from the EU.

He replies that he didn't ask where I bought the CD, that in the Ukraine it is possible to buy Chinese CDs but they're rubbish sound quality. English CDs have the best audio quality in the world, he says. EU CDs have some of the worst.

And he doesn't want a refund.

So, OK musos, here's my question. Is there such a thing as a English-made CD? Does it have far better audio quality than EU-manufactured CDs? If so, where do I buy it? Surely I buy it in an English CD shop? If English CD shops don't sell English CDs... where are they actually sold? Or is this all a myth? I know that some Asian import CDs and DVDs are poorer quality than the ones we buy in the UK - but are EU CDs just as shoddy? Anyone...?

35 Questions Meme (Part 1)

Stolen from Sunday Stealing...

1. How far away is the last person you kissed?

38.5 miles, according to the AA.

2. Has someone ever told you they would be with you forever?

Sounds like a sure way to end up buried at the bottom of my garden, if you ask me.

3. Last person you were in a car with?

Louise.

4. Any plans for tomorrow?

Maybe going to a spa. I'm so cosmopolitan.

5. How long does it take for you to take a shower?

Depends if the shower's working properly. That's a bit of a touchy subject at the moment. We may need a new boiler.

6. Best friend or close friends?

I haven't had a best friend since I was 11.

7. Is tomorrow going to be a good day?

We can but hope.

8. Did you kiss anyone Friday?

Who are you, Jealous Robinson Crusoe?

Today is Friday. As yet, no. But I'm open to offers...

9. Ever thrown up in public?

No. But I have passed out.

10. What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?

Other than this meme? My bad back. Hunger pangs. How much this job pisses me off. The usual.

11. Who was the last person you talked to?

The boss. Not the big, bad boss. Just the busy, harrassed, head of department, known him for years and consider him a friend boss.

12. What is the WORST subject they teach at school?

If you'd asked me this when I was at school, I'd have said Games. Or Biology, but only because I hated all the Biology teachers.

13. Have you seen anyone lately that you don't get along with?

Hi. Have we met? I'm Rol. I don't get along with nobody.

14. What is your favourite colour top to wear?

I wear black on the outside, black is how I feel on the inside...

15. Have you ever been in a car accident?

Three times. All, thankfully, minor.

16. What's the closest thing to you that's green?

The top of my Milk Thistle jar.

17. Where would you like to be right now?

Home.

18. Write down some lyrics to the song you're listening to?

I'm not listening to any songs. But here's some from a song I was listening to on the way into work, Geoff by Philip Jeays...

Geoff
You are my friend
And you will be
Till the end
But Geoff
Sometimes inside
I have these thoughts Geoff
I have to hide
Geoff Geoff Geoff
When I think of your house Geoff
That lovely country cottage of a house Geoff
And I know though it's often been said
In jest but one blow to your head

And it could be mine Geoff mine
All of the time
It could be so simple Geoff
Oh and life could be fine
Ah but killing you Geoff and really what for
Two floors and a roof, four walls and a door
Isn't our friendship worth so much more
Geoff?

19. How many dogs do you have?

None at the moment.

20. Is anything bugging you right now?

Here we go again. Ask me the same question with the word 'not' inserted in an appropriate place...

21. Is life going right for you now?

Could be better, could be so much worse. It'd be so much more manageable if my back wasn't so bad.

22. Is there someone you care about more than yourself?

Well, that's a big question isn't it? I'd like to give you the cynical answer and say that as human beings we're all conditioned to put ourselves first... but, but, but... There are things I do and don't do in life because I care about other people more than I care about my desire to do those things. So...?

23. What made you laugh today?

The Philip Jeays song mentioned above. And the brief I received for 'High Bred' cars.

24. What was the last movie you watched?

At the cinema? Green Zone.

On DVD? Trick 'r' Treat, and amusing straight-to-DVD horror flick that deserved a cinema release. Great performance from Dylan Baker, plus support from Brian Cox (not the professor), Anna Paquin and the fat kid out of Bad Santa.

25. What was the last conversation you had about?

Idiots.

26. What were you doing at 7:00 this morning?

Arriving at work.

27. Do you like your hair long or short?

As it is. Not too short, not too long.

28. Do you want to see somebody right now?

No, I pretty much want to be left alone.

29. Do you like the rain?

Sometimes. But not on mother's washing day.

30. Did you have a valentine this year?

By default.

31. The last person you kissed needs you at 3 am, would you go?

I'm already there.

32. Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else?

Depends on the circumstances.

33. Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?

One month? That doesn't give me much time to sort out my woebegone life, does it?

34. How do you feel about boys smoking?

Which particular boys? As long as they don't do it next to me, I could give a stuff.

35. Could you see yourself with someone forever?

Didn't you already ask that question?

Only if they bury me at the bottom of their garden...

It's Only A Movie

The truth, which should be apparent to anyone with a vaguely cynical soul, is that 3-D will always be the past, and is only being rammed down our throats as something excitingly 'new' right now because it is much harder to pirate 3-D films than good old flat ones. Big Hollywood studios want you to believe in 3-D because they want to carry on believing in their own bank accounts. It has nothing to do with 'the future' of cinema, merely the future of film finance.

I don't always agree with everything Mark Kermode writes (it would be impossible to do so unless you were actually a clone of Kermode - and even then, probably not), but when I do - I really do.

In a world in which every lazy hack falls back on the 'if you liked that, then you'll love this' cliche, the only thing a critic has to justify their essentially parastic existence is the belief that they are right and everybody else is wrong. Sod cultural studies and all that non-judgmental aesthetic relativity crap - the Leavisites were right! There really is such a thing as good and bad art. And if you don't believe me, try watching Taxi Driver and (Scorcese's remake of) Cape Fear back to back and then telling me that they're both 'equally valid'. No they're not, and you know it. One of them is really good, and the other is really rubbish. End of story.

Oh, I dunno, Mark. I quite like his Cape Fear. And I always thought Taxi Driver was ever so slightly overrated. But maybe I'm only saying that to be controversial...

I think it's good to be regularly reminded just how crap some people think you are. It's healthy. And if you're not annoying half your audience at least half the time, then frankly you're just not trying.

Mark Kermode's It's Only A MOvie - 'Reel Life Adventures Of A Film Obsessive' does exactly what you'd want it to. It allows another of our favourite Geeks Done Good to rant about good and bad films in his own irrepressible style while spuriously delivering a series of autobiographical anecdotes relating to the life and times of someone most famous for slagging off movies. Sometimes these stories go on a little too long (that whole Russian misadventure starts to feel like The Return Of The King ), but mostly they hit the mark (punintended) and leave you wanting more. Let's face it, you're not going to read this book if you don't like Mark Kermode, so I hardly need to sell it to you.

Doctor Songs

So, Matt Smith, the new Doctor Who. I like him. He's got the right kind of energy and confidence, without drawing too much on the performances of his predecessors. His introduction was typically lightweight, but I hope he also manages to bring a little of the darkness that Chris Eccleston and David Tennant gave the role. Of course he's too young. He's the first Doctor Who who's younger than me (Tennant was close, but he had 11 months on me). It's bad enough when policemen start to look younger than you... but The Doctor? I'm reminded of the time my dad almost cut his thumb off with a circular saw and I had to drive him to hospital. When the junior doctor arrived to stitch him up, my dad screamed in horror... "He's just a kid!" I'm starting to know how he felt.

The best thing about the new Who though is that they've actually got a proper writer running the show at last! But let's not dwell on the manifold faults of Russell T. Davies, let's instead celebrate his successor, Stephen Moffat, a man who knows how to write teatime sci-fi and appears to have an intrinsic understanding of our primal fears - from the killer statues in Blink to the unsettling eyeball alien in The Eleventh Hour. Let's hope his Who lives up to all our expectations.

Anyway, in celebration of the new Doctor (and because I'm fed up of rainbow songs now - as I'm sure you are too), I thought I'd compile my Top Ten Doctor Songs...



But before we get to that (and because I know everyone will mention them if I don't) how about a countdown of my favourite musical doctors...?


10. Dr. Strangely Strange Irish folky group led by Tim Booth. Not the one from James.

9. Dr. & The Medics They were going on up to see the Spirit In The Sky. Their career followed suit.

8. Dr. John Bluesy, jazzy, boogie woogie type from New Orleans... kind of a less annoying Jools Holland.

7. The Spin Doctors They felt a whole lot easier when the bitch left town.

6. Dr. Hook Spent a lot of time on the phone to Sylvia's Mother. Never got to talk to Sylvia herself.

5. Dr. Dre You hear the bass from the trunk when he's on the block.

4. The Saw Doctors Recorded Ireland's best selling single ever. Among many others.

3. Dr. Feelgood Drank milk and alcohol. I would have thrown up.

2. Dr. Robert Took his name from the Beatles song... but it didn't have to be that way.

1. Dr. Horrible Had a singalong blog. Number One by default!




OK, those were the artists... what of the songs? Runners up include The Beta Band, The Wombats (sounding like a frightening cross-pollination of Help Me Rhonda and Scouting For Girls), Miami Sound Machine, The Fall and a rather splendid track from the new James album (out later this month). But these are the ones that came out on top...



10. The Timelords / KLF - Doctorin' The Tardis

A Number One from 1988 that mashed up The Sweet, the Dr. Who theme and Gary Glitter (you wouldn't get away with that nowadays), this wouldn't be quite as cool if it didn't spring from the fevered mind of million-burning Bill Drummond.

9. The Veils - Night Thoughts Of A Tired Surgeon

Surgeons are doctors too! Couldn't resist this, one of my favourites from the Veils.

Take the scalpel, Miss Ivonne
Time of death is 1 am
The blood is going to my head,
By God, I’ll never touch another’s heart again

I’ve been brought back to life so many times I don’t know what’s real

8. Thompson Twins - Doctor Doctor

The Thompson Twins' doctor was pretty rubbish, wasn't he? He couldn't even see when they were burning. I'd have asked for a second opinion myself.

7. Jackson Browne - Doctor My Eyes

One of JB's best-loved tracks, possibly because it was also covered by The Jackson Five. And this bloke...

6. Ben Folds - Dr. Yang

There exist two different Ben Fold songs dedicated to Dr. Yang. The one above is the official version from the Way To Normal album. But before that record was released, Ben "leaked" unofficial versions of all its songs. Except these weren't versions at all, they were completely different songs. Many of which were arguably better than the ones that appeared on the finished album. Certainly that was the case with Dr. Yang, as you can hear on the fake version here.

5. Propaganda - Dr. Mabuse

German synth-poppers pay tribute to villainous pulp character Dr. Mabuse, created by Norbert Jacques and made famous by director Fritz Lang.

4. Elvis Costello - Dr. Luther's Assistant

Some say he is just a lackey
Changing words while the ink is still tacky
He's absolutely indispensable
He keeps the other boys in suspense

Oh, he's Doctor Luther's assistant
He'll close in when he seems so distant
Doctor Luther's assistant
He'll get on top of you when you lower your resistance

3. Alabama 3 - Too Sick To Pray (Don't Call The Doctor)

Larry Love, Zoe Love and The Very Reverend Dr. D. Wayne Love find themselves in a lonely room, at death's door, regretting their decision to set fire to their bibles.

2. Robert Palmer - Bad Case Of Lovin' You (Doctor Doctor)

Robert Palmer. Batley's most famous son. Often misunderstood. But he sure knew how to rock. (Pity this song was later hijacked by cheesy DJ 'Dr.' Neil Fox... but that's DJs for you. They ruin all things good.)

1. The Who - Doctor Doctor

Perhaps not my choice, but come on - if this is a tribute to Doctor Who, then you can't get much better than Doctor Doctor by The Who. Even the Daleks get down to this one.



So... those were my favourite Doctor Songs... what's yours?

(Deduct ten points for anyone who mentions Dr. Alban.)

Oh, and just in case you've never seen it... and to bring this post full circle... here's John Pertwee... sings The Doctor.

Paul Haig Day II

Those of you who were here this time last year may remember that April 6th is now officially Paul Haig Day. This isn't my invention, but the work of one of Mr. Haig's biggest supporters, JC, The Vinyl Villain. It was JC who introduced me - and I suspect many others - to the unsung genius of the former Josef K member who's since gone on to enjoy a long and varied solo career... of which the track below is a fine, fine example.

Take something bad...and make it into something good.

Good advice for us all.

Read much more about Paul Haig Day II by popping over to JC's place.

Outcastes - The Plot Thickens

Now speeding towards its thrilling conclusion - not just in terms of plot, but also in frequency of publication... blimey, Tone, keep this up and we'll be back to the good old days of MONTHLY small press books - Tony McGee's Outcastes delivers another excellent episode as the seemingly disparate plot threads introduced in the book's first half begin to weave together in dramatic and unexpected ways. The tensions between twin heroes Winter & Summer and their erstwhile pal Geo come to a head during a train journey while the sinister Cunning Man draws ever nearer to his prey - leading to a shocking final page that had me desperately trying to separate the back cover into two while screaming, "No, there must be another page - you can't end it there!"

For those of you not yet on board, there's still time to catch the Outcastes express - pop over to Tony's website now to sample the book, buy issues #1 to 6 for bargain price, or find out how you'll soon be able to download Outcastes for a pittance.

Green Zone

Green Zone is a better movie about the war in Iraq than the Oscar-winning Hurt Locker, which tried too hard to make its point - and sacrificed dramatic tension in doing so. That said, it still falls at the final hurdle with an ending which - though emotionally satisfying in terms of narrative - is in its own way just as fanciful as the Nazi-slaying explosions that climaxed Inglorious Basterds.

Matt Damon is a US soldier charged with tracking down the fabled WMDs that were held up to the world as justification for the invasion of Iraq, though it's clear from the start that he's engaged in a wild goose chase. Fed up of being told to shut up and get on with the job by his superiors (particularly an increasingly smug Greg Kinnear and nasty British SAS type with bad Fu Manchu moustache Jason Isaacs), Damon goes off-reservation in an attempt to track down one of Saddam's generals (the Jack Of Clubs from the infamous deck of Iraq's Most Wanted playing cards) and prove to himself what most of the audience already know.

Coming off two Bournes, director Paul Greengrass knows his action stuff, and keeps us excited throughout. Damon plays the part just enough vulnerability to distinguish him from his most famous role, and there's able support from Brendan Gleeson, Khalid Abdalla and Beadie from The Wire. The only problem is the conclusion - giving Damon a victory that has yet to happen in the real world seems somehow less realistic than having him silenced for his efforts.

The Meme That Ate Tokyo

I'm in a pre-Easter slump, not feeling at all inspired... but at times like this, I can always pop over to Samurai Frog's place and steal one of his memes. (It's OK, he stole it from Sunday Stealing.)


TEN TO START.

1. Are you single?

No.

2. Are you happy?

Right now? Could be happier.

3. Are you bored?

Only when I'm at work.

4. Are you naked?

Only when I need to be.

5. Are you a blonde?

Never.

6. Are you moody?

Fuck off.

7. Are you a lover/hater?

Is that some kind of schizo-thing? Yes. I'm definitely bipolar. I'm a bipolar bear.

8. Are you hot/cold?

Oh, it's an either-or thing. In which case, the previous answer remains the same. And this one... well, surely it depends on the weather. Right now? Warm. But I was bloody freezing this morning and didn't appreciate having to drive to work in a blizzard. It's April, for The Dude's sake - enough with da snow already!

9. Are you Irish?

No.

10. Are you Asian?

No.

What, are they the only two races you know?


TEN FACTS.

I sometimes think these memes are invented by hackers as a way of finding out all your personal information and maybe working out your passwords. In which case, don't bother. None of my passwords are contained herein.

1. Name:

Rol.

2. Nicknames:

Back in my Competitive Hearts days, they used to call me Marvin. (After the Paranoid Android.)

3. Birth mark:

No.

4. Hair color:

Brown.

5. Natural hair color:

Brown!

6. Eye color:

Brown. Ish.

7. Height:

6 foot 1 and a bit. Maybe closer to 6' 2". I might still be growing.

8. Facebook Mood:

Non-existent.

9. Favorite colour:

When I was a kid, yellow.

Now? I dunno. Maybe green.

10. One Place to Visit:

What, that I would like to visit or I would recommend others to visit? BE MORE SPECIFIC! New York and Whitby.


TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE.

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No.

What? I don't.

Lust, yes. Love, no.

2. Do you believe in soul mates?

No.

Don't worry, it's OK, I can say that, I've checked with Louise and she doesn't either.

(I don't know what happened to 3. Perhaps it involved Adult Situations and was removed by the BBFC.)

4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally?

Yes. I'm human.

5. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I seriously doubt it.

If so, they never told me.

6. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yes.

7. Have you ever liked someone and not told them?

Of course.

8. Are you afraid of commitment?

I'm afraid of being committed. Is it the same thing?

9. Who was the last person you hugged?

Louise.

10. Who was the last person you kissed?

Louise.

You've got to feel bad for her.


TEN THIS OR THAT.

1. Love or lust?

Who's gonna say lust, unless they're 18?

(2. is missing too.)

3. Cats or dogs?

Cats. They need less attention.

4. A few best friends or many regular friends?

What's this "friend" thing I keep hearing about. (Copyright Dilbert.)

5. Television or internet?

Books.

6. Chinese Or Indian?

Food? Always the former.

7. Wild night out or romantic night in?

Depends what's involved. But generally the latter.

8. Money or Happiness?

But money IS happiness! Isn't it? All those people who say it isn't - give me your money and I'll show you how it's done.

9. Night or day?



10. MSN or phone?

Email.


TEN 'HAVE YOU EVER...?'

1. Been caught sneaking out?

Of where?

2. Been skinny dipping?

No, thanks.

3. Stolen?

Yes. But only small things that wouldn't be missed. If that's any excuse.

4. Bungee jumped?

P'syeah, right.

5. Lied to someone you liked?

Absolutely. I'm human.

6. Finished an entire jaw breaker?

Possibly. Didn't they have really horrible middle bits?

(7. is missing. Don't ask me.)

8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back?

Definitely not.

9. Cried because you lost a pet?

Every one. Especially Fly. I cried for days when Fly died. To help me, my dad taught me how to carve a gravestone for her with a chisel on a rock near where she was buried.

10. Wanted to disappear?

Many, many times.


TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER.

1. Smile or eyes?

Preferably both.

2. Light or dark hair?

Dark. Does that make me shallow?

3. Hugs or kisses?

Depends on the situation.

4. Shorter or taller?

Shorter than a Wookie, taller than an Ewok.

5. Intelligence or attraction?

The first is the second.

6. Romantic or spontaneous?

Are they mutually exclusive?

7. Funny or serious?

Funnier than Michael McIntyre, more serious than Jim Carrey.

8. Older or Younger?

Older than Emma Watson, younger than Meryl Streep.

9. Outgoing or quiet?

In between.

10. Sweet or Bad Ass?

Sweeter than Angelina Jolie, more Bad Ass than Gwyneth Paltrow.



TEN 'HAVE YOU’S...?'

1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd?

Many times.

2. Ever done drugs?

Only the boring ones.

3. Ever been pregnant?



(4. has gone the way of all flesh.)

5. Ever been on a cheerleading team?

I can think of a smutty answer to this, but no.

6. Ever been on a dance team?

I'm a lover not a dancer.
I'm a lover not a dancer.
Don't want to be on my feet when I can be on my back.
Don't want to be on the floor when I can be in the sack.

7. Ever been on a sports team?

Only when they'd picked all the other players.

8. Ever been in a drama play/production?

Loads.

9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley?

No, and I have no desire to. Just be glad you didn't mention Audi. (I don't even know what an Escalade is.)

10. Ever been in a rap video?

Gin 'n' Juice by Snoop Dogg. About 1 minute 55 in. I'm the one on the left.


TEN LASTS.

1. Last phone call you made:

...was probably to an idiot.

2. Last person you hung out with:

...Dick Turpin.

(Wot? No 3? Again?)

4. Last time you worked:

Define 'work'.

5. Last person you tackled:

They made me play rugby at school. "Go on, Roly, you're a big lad," said the games teacher. He was a wanker for many, many reasons, not least for calling me Roly and making me play rugby.

6. Last person you IM’d:

Does Twitter count? The most recent person I tweeted back at was Reluctant Blogger.

(7. has joined all the other missing numbers.)

8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with:

Louise. But I'm going tonight with P, M and I.

9. Last thing you missed:

JFK.

10. Last thing you ate:

A ham and cheese sandwich followed by a Muller Vitality drink. With a banana and half an apple (the other half was rotten, but it was still a good apple.)

That's your lot. Happy Easter.