2010 - Albums Of The Year (Top 10)

Numbers 20 - 11 are here...

Now prepare yourself for the horror that is my Top Ten...


10. Manic Street Preachers - Postcards From A Young Man

I really do not get "embedding disabled by request" on youtube. Why would the record companies not want me to cross-promote their songs? Could they be scared someone might hear it and actually want to buy a copy? It's another ridiculous example of copyright law being used to shoot yourself in the foot, and I expect more from the Manics. I reckon there's more chance of you clicking play on an embedded video than clicking a link to that video - it's only a couple of extra clicks, but we all have such a fast-paced, "feed me now" lives, those two extra clicks are a great big wall of stop. I mean, you've already quit reading this paragraph because it's gone on for more than 5 lines, haven't you? Your granny's a whore. See? Nobody even flinched.

Anyway, the new Manics album. I liked it much more than the last one (the one all the real Manics fans loved because it used up all Ritchie's old lyrics) but not as much as the one before (the one with tigers).

9. Titus Andronicus - The Monitor

No, I never wanted to change the world,
But I'm looking for a new New Jersey
Because tramps like us, baby, we were born to die

Any band that quotes Billy Bragg and Bruce Springsteen within two consecutive lines... well, you know they've got me, right?

While The Gaslight Anthem sounded more and more like a Bruce tribute act this year, Titus Andronicus took the Born To Run spirit and fired it with a punk ethos that... shit, I hate it when I sound like a music journo.

This is ace. Click play now.



8. Dan Le Sac Vs. Scroobius Pip - The Logic Of Chance

What's this? Hip hop? Electronica? Rap? In my Top Ten? Surely this is taking up space that could be given to more landfill indie or another sad old bastard songwriter? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I first became interested in the songwriting of Scroobius Pip with his masterful list song Thou Shalt Always Kill. It made me laugh and touched a nerve, but I really didn't expect to enjoy a whole album of this stuff.

Guess what?

(The song below offers further explanation.)



7. Babybird - Ex-Maniac

Babybird? Ah, that's more like what you expect. Obscure one-hit wonder Britpop losers long past their sell-by date. From Sheffield too!

Actually, I was never a huge Babybird fan. I've liked a few of his songs, but never fallen for a whole album. This one took me by surprise. I liked the lead single, Unlovable, enough to give it a shot - and boy, was I glad I did. There's honesty, wit and a refreshing lack of cliche about his songwriting, particularly on tracks like Failed Suicide Club, the heartbreaking Rest Of Our Lives (one of my Songs of the Year) and the Daily Mail-baiting Like Them...



6. Justin Currie - The Great War

More mature songwriting and world weary cynicism from the ex-Del Amitri bloke, now writing the strongest material of his career.

I stand on a mountain of pitiful prose
My mind is a fountain that pointlessly flows
They give you a trophy if you make the kids scream
But it's such a joke to me; how insipid I've been.

I hate the world they gave me,
I hate the world they gave me

In Morrissey's absence, Justin Currie will be writing the story of my life this year.

Sigh.



5. Eels - Tomorrow Morning

More and more artists are shaking off the shackles of big corporate record deals (a new album every two years, please) and catering to a smaller, loyaler fanbase with far more frequent releases. E has released two albums this year (three in the last 18 months), and like James before him they were thematically linked. While Tim Booth & co. gave us an upbeat Saturday night record followed by a laid back Sunday morning, E gave us an album of heartbreak (End Times) followed by this... his most positive and forward-looking record to date.



4. Frank Turner - Rock 'n' Roll / Poetry Of The Deed

My most important musical find of 2010 (Amanda Palmer was second), Frank Turner is another artist who combines the fire, lyrical nous and inspirational self-belief of young Bragg and Springsteen to show-stopping effect. He sings every song like his life depends on it. Our lives too. The sort of artist who doesn't need to carve 'For Real' into his forearm... he just is.

Strictly speaking, Poetry Of The Deed was released in 2009 (though Frank was still promoting it and releasing singles from it in 2010) and Rock 'n' Roll is a mini album, what they used to call an EP. But Frank Turner has been such an important discovery for me this year (his previous albums Sleep Is For The Week and Love, Ire & Song are also worthy of investigation), he deserved a place on this list. Very excited to hear what he does next.



3. Bruce Springsteen - The Promise

Another record that, strictly speaking, shouldn't really be here. After all, the tracks on this double album were mostly recorded in the mid-70s in preparation for Bruce's follow-up to Born To Run, Darkness On The Edge Of Town. You know the story by now... and if you don't, I doubt anything I say will make you care.

What strikes me most about listening to this record is how much bigger a pop star Bruce could have been in the 70s (prior to his eventual worldwide breakthrough in the 80s). Rejected songs like Fever, Because The Night and Someday We'll Be Together would have been massive radio hits, far more so than any of the tracks he actually chose to release. But that just wasn't where he wanted to be at that point in his career... you've got to respect that.



2. Ben Folds & Nick Hornby - Lonely Avenue

These days, Ben Folds seems to do his best work when he's working with somebody else. The Shatner album was inspired insanity, but hooking up with author Nick Hornby gave him possibly the strongest record of his solo career. A selection of short stories, from the heartwarming biog-song of Doc Pomus to a blues track based on Sarah Palin's unwanted son-in-law Levi Johnson ("I'm a fuckin' redneck, I live to hang out with the boys, Play some hockey, do some fishin' and kill some moose") to the self-loving/self-loathing delights of A Working Day ("Some guy on the net thinks I suck and he should know - he's got his own blog.")

And then there's this... Belinda... my song of the year...




1. The Indelicates - Songs For Swinging Lovers

They did it again.

Scoring my favourite album of 2008 with their debut, American Demo, the Indelicates returned to prove there's no such thing as Difficult Second Album Syndrome (and they're already working on their third). Broadening their musical horizons in all kinds of different directions (if I were a true muso, I'd namedrop Kurt Weill and the like - but what do I know about these things?), this is further proof of their genius. Witty, angry, iconoclastic, tender, surprising, joyful, intense, uncompromising... etc. etc. etc.

The most exciting band of the 21st Century.

Why aren't you listening to them?

Download the album direct from their website - you can even choose how much you pay. Anything less than the entire contents of your bank account and you're getting a bargain.









Happy New Year, folks - see you on the other side.

2010 - Albums Of The Year (20 - 11)

And so I conclude the 2010 review with my customary countdown of my favourite albums of the year. The usual provisos apply... including the one about me no longer caring about being seen as remotely cool, so nyah nyah if you don't like Meat Loaf, get over it, you fake hipsters... and the one about me not having heard every single record that was released in 2010 - not even every single one I might actually want to hear, and there being loads of stuff I'm either just getting round to or haven't even bought yet that may well blow some of the albums listed below completely out of the water...

But really, if you need all that spelling out to you... what are you, an idiot?

These were the records that kept me from ploughing into the back of countless Audis throughout the course of 2010...



20. Everybody Was In The French Resistance... Now! - Fixing The Charts Volume 1

With no new Art Brut record to big up, Eddie Argos teamed with his girlFREN, Dyan Valdes (of The Blood Arm) for an album of amusing answer songs. It filled the gap till the Brut get back.



19. The Courteeners - Falcon

Difficult second album syndrome plagues the Courteeners - yet that debut really took some beating...



18. Superman Revenge Squad - Dead Crow Blues

A songwriter I seriously learned to love in 2010, though his latest release wasn't quite as marvellous as the previous three. Newbies should start with 'This is my own personal way of dealing with it all' and work their way up. The older records are available for an insanely cheap £3 (inc. P&P) from Ben's website.



17. James - The Night Before / The Morning After

Tim Booth and the gang came back with a bang with two themed mini albums, the first an upbeat Saturday night record, the second a thoughtful and touching comedown. Stand out track of the latter is told from the perspective of Booth's elderly mother, now living out her twilight years in a retirement home. It's a choker.



16. Meat Loaf - Hang Cool, Teddy Bear

Meat Loaf without Jim Steinman is like toast without butter, but as it's unlikely those two will ever kiss and make up, Marvin's latest stab at OTT immortality manages better than most. As you'd expect, he throws in everything it can get its hands on - from Justin Hawkins to Jack Black to the kitchen sink - turning it all up to 11 and praying. One track even features Hugh Laurie on piano. If we can't have Jim Steinman... this is about as good as it gets.



15. The Divine Comedy - Bang Goes The Knighthood

Now officially a national treasure. So treasure him!

This video features Neil and his blow-up doll. A love story for the ages...



14. Thea Gilmore - Murphy's Heart

Still the greatest contemporary British female singer songwriter... still criminally unappreciated.



13. Lloyd Cole - Broken Record

Another national treasure, though he long since deserted us for the States. Growing old gracefully, he even brought a proper band along with him for his latest album... but stopped just short of causing a commotion.



12. The Hold Steady - Heaven Is Whenever

The best and worst that can be said of this is that it's just another Hold Steady record. Hardly groundbreaking, but it does exactly what it says on the tin.

She said I just can't sympathise with your rock 'n' roll problems...

11. Evelyn Evelyn - Evelyn Evelyn

My second best new musical discovery of 2010 (the first will be revealed tomorrow), Amanda Palmer's debut solo record was one of my top five most listened to discs this year. Unfortunately, it was released in 2008. This is the record she did release this year, a cabaret concept album that tells the story of two Siamese twins, Evelyn and Evelyn, their circus life and tragic romantic demise. It's unlike anything else I heard this year, which is always a good thing.



Tomorrow... the Top Ten (d'oh!).

2010 - TV Of The Year

"I don't watch a lot of TV but..." could well become a catchphrase round these parts. Here's what's kept me glued to the idiot box this year...

15. Castle

Castle isn't great TV. It's formulaic as hell. The scripts rarely get beyond workmanlike. It has none of the sparkle of Moonlighting or even Remington Steel, which it so carefully models itself on. And yet, I can't stop watching it - for two great reasons. The main one being Nathan Fillion, who - after Firefly and Dr. Horrible - I have a heckuva lot of time for. He's one of those actors who can make even the corniest of lines raise a smile, and who has more charisma in his eyebrow than I have in my whole body. And then there's the improbably named Stana Katic who's grown beyond just another unbelievably pretty American TV cop to develop actual chemistry with her goofball co-star that often goes beyond what the scriptwriters can bother to deliver. They make an engaging pair... to the point where I'm also tempted to check out Ms. Katic's previous role...

...but I just know I'd be disappointed.

I've always been a sucker for quirky detective shows and now Monk has hung up his OCD mac (though we've still to see the final series in the UK), Castle fills that gap nicely.

14. La La Land

In which guerrilla comedian Marc Wootton takes his hideous creations Gary Garner (a wannabe Jason Statham), Brendan Allen (a kamikaze documentary maker with no ideas of his own) and Shirley Ghostman (a disgraced psychic) to Hollywood... where everyone takes him far too seriously.



13. Luther

Stringer Bell escapes Baltimore and comes home to London where Idris Elba's maverick cop teams up with a cold-as-ice murderer (an inspired, nutty-as-a-fruitcake turn from Ruth Wilson) and tries to keep his job while his best friend goes mental, his wife shacks up with a one time Doctor Who, and everyone wants his badge. This show got better the more extreme it became, leading to a genuinely exciting climax. Disappointing then that the Beeb seem to committed to only two new episodes next year.

12. True Blood

A curious show in which the main characters are also the least interesting and most annoying. If True Blood was just about Sookie and Bill, I'm not sure I'd still be bothered. Fortunately Season 2 brought other characters to the fore - notably Eric, Sam, Lafayette, Jessica and Jason. If they made Jason the star, I'd watch this show forever.

11. The Trip

Sending Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon off on a tour of the north's favourite poncey restaurants could easily have been a luvvie-fest of tedious proportions. Fortunately director Michael Winterbottom had other plans, playing with our expectations of both performers, letting them riff mercilessly, and revealing unexpectedly dark and touching aspects to their "characters" in the process. At times laugh-out-loud funny, at other times really quite sweet.



10. Nurse Jackie

Like ER's wicked step-sister, this is the show that proves everything you always suspected about hospitals. The staff are sicker than the patients. Edie Falco's philandering, pill-popping, mercy killing head nurse is scarier even than a Carry On matron.

9. Justified

When The Shield wrapped, it was a dark day for fans of Walton (Shane) Goggins. Apart from an amusing turn in the otherwise woeful Predators, where would we see our favourite bad boy again? Luckily he turned up as a thorn in Timothy Olyphant's side in Justified... then went and found God and got really messed up. Olyphant in a sheriff's hat is always good value, but it's Goggins who makes this show unmissable. Glad to see he'll be back for season two.

8. Sherlock

Everything that needs to be said has already been said, far more incisively, by others. Sherlock wasn't perfect (the middle episode sagged), but it really shouldn't have worked at all. Yet Benedict Cumberbatch's ADHD Holmes and (particularly) Martin Freeman's warm everyman Watson provided essential viewing, not to mention that sly but nail-biting Moriarty cliffhanger which left us all begging for more.

7. Fringe

This was the year that Fringe finally found its feet and stepped out of the knock-off X-Files box as alternate realities went to war, fake Olivia swapped places with real Olivia, Peter (Pacey) bedded fake Olivia by accident, and Walter Bishop - always the star of the show - offered his son some typically skewed words of comfort...

"In the seventies I innocently wandered in the wrong home and it was three days before I realized my mistake. And unlike Olivia, the woman I was sharing a bed with didn't look like my wife at all."

6. 24

For my full tribute to Jack Bauer, click the link.

5. Doctor Who

Finally, everything clicked with me and New Who. Mainly due to the departure of Russell T. Davies and the stepping up of Stephen Moffat, a writer who understands both sci fi and characterisation - and actually gets the possibilities of time travel too. Credit must also go to Matt Smith. Whereas Eccleston's Doctor was a little too reluctant and Tennant's occasionally over the top, Smith pitched it just right. And then there's Karen Gillen - the least annoying Doctor Who companion since Romana... and easiest on the eye since Peri Brown.

4. This Is England '86

Part hilarious nostalgia piece, part harrowing social drama... and featuring Flip and his gang of moped-riding goons: TV idiots of the year.



3. Mad Men

How could Mad Men top the assassination of JFK? Easy, by getting Don and Peggy to work through the night on a campaign while Don's world fell apart around him. Best single episode of any show this year - though the rest wasn't too shabby either.

RIP, Mrs. Blankenship.

2. Lost

It was never going to please everybody, but the Lost finale satisfied me, wrapping up enough of the mysteries, answering enough of the questions, and managing to give even long-dead characters a happy ending... of sorts. Plus, Sawyer got away. That'll do me.

1. House

House beat everything else for me this year, though admittedly I have been catching up. Season 6, starting with House in the loony bin, was the best yet... and while Season 7 (House in love!) isn't quite up to that standard, that's only because I'm scared that a happy House cannot last... and I care so much about this character, I really don't want to see him hurt any more.

Hugh Laurie is the highest paid TV star in the world? Hugh Laurie!?

Deservedly so.

2010 - Books Of The Year

As in previous years, I've divided my favourite books of 2010 into two blurry sub-categories. New(ish) ones and old(ish) ones. There may be a bit of crossover... but what do you really care?

(Click the links to read my full thoughts & reviews of each.)


My Top Ten Books Published In Other Years That I Finally Got Round To Reading This Year, Or That I Read Again


10. Stephen M. Irwin - The Darkening

9. LTC Rolt - Sleep No More

8. David Morrell - Black Evening

7. Robert L. Pike - Bullitt (Mute Witness)

6. Richard Blandford - Hound Dog

5. David J. Schwartz - Super Powers

4. Mark Sarvas - Harry, Revised

3. Lionel Shriver - The Post-Birthday World

2. David Mitchell - Ghostwritten

1. Stieg Larsson -
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo / The Girl Who Played With Fire / The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest

It was obviously the year of Mikael Blomkvist and Lisbeth Salander for me. Gripping and intense crime / detective / procedurals from the late Swedish author whose trilogy dominated the bestseller lists all year, and rightfully so.




My Top Ten Books That Were Published In 2010 (maybe not first-published, but near enough to count as a "new" book for this list)


10. Leanne Shapton - Important Artifacts And Personal Property From The Collection Of Lenore Doolan And Harold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion And Jewellery

9. George Pelecanos - The Way Home

8. David Eagleman - Sum: Tales Of The Afterlives

7. Joanne Harris - blueyed boy

6. Kate Atkinson - When Will There Be Good News?

5. Audrey Niffenegger - Her Fearful Symmetry

4. Scarlett Thomas - Our Tragic Universe

3. Stephen King - Under The Dome

2. Nick Hornby - Juliet, Naked

1. David Nicholls - One Day

I thought Under The Dome would walk it and I'd have to fight my corner against the haters again... then I realised there were two books I enjoyed even more than Stephen King's latest blockbuster.

This is actually the first of two occasions where Nick Hornby comes second in one of my 2010 lists...

...David Nicholls, meanwhile, delivered the most unputdownable, emotionally compelling read of the year... I can only hope the movie does it justice (it won't).

2010 - Films Of The Year

Let's be honest, it's not been a great year at the cinema. It has instead been a year in which most of the films I was looking forward to ended up disappointing. Hollywood's answer to a crap year at the box office appears to be to film everything in 3D next year... like that'll work!

Let's look at the biggest disappointments first... (click the links to see the individual reviews).

Rol's Worst Films Of 2010

5. Iron Man 2

I'm sure there were far worse films produced this year. But not many were quite so disappointing. Except maybe for this...

4. Paranormal Activity 2

3. Cop Out - No review, because I didn't catch it at the cinema. Instead I watched it on DVD. The first half hour, anyway. Kevin Smith... what happened? You've made some rubbish films in your time but I even found nice things to say about Jersey Girl. This though... this was just unwatchable. Mainly because the guy out of 30 Rock SHOUTED EVERY LINE HE HAD RIGHT IN MY FACE UNTIL I FELT PHYSICALLY ABUSED AND HAD TO SWITCH OFF AND WATCH HOUSE INSTEAD. Even Bruce Willis couldn't save this one.

2. The Expendables

Louise loved it. She thought it played as a spoof of 80s action movies. I thought Sly took it all way too seriously. Not the movie I wanted it to be.

1. Solomon Kane

Just shit.

Rol's Best Films Of 2010

10. Whatever Works - The Telegraph named this their worst film of the year. I've never been a huge Woody Allen fan, so I can't really compare it against his more critically acclaimed work. I am however a huge Larry David fan, and this made me laugh and warmed my cynical heart too.

9. The Social Network

Fincher & Sorkin - the dream team. A great movie, but it's still a great movie about flippin' Facebook... hence why slightly less accomplished films have beat it to the top spots.

8. Inception

Visually stunning yet cold, over-complex, and with a predictably annoying "is he really...?" twist.

7. The Disappearance Of Alice Creed

Gemma Arterton proves her worth. For this, I forgive her the dreadful Prince Of Persia.

6. Shutter Island

Another Leonardo DiCaprio film spoilt by its final twist. Still, as an actor he's far less annoying than he used to be.

5. The A Team

90% of the critics (and a good proportion of the public) hated this movie. I can almost understand why... but it made me smile more than just about anything else in the cinema this year.

4. Crazy Heart

Tries a little too hard to be feelgood and Oscar-worthy... but it's still got the World's Greatest Actor playing a washed up country star and Colin Farrell once again silencing the naysayers. Speaking of Oscars - it was about time.

3. Red

Flawed, like The A-Team... but still a hell of a lot more enjoyable than The Expendables. Bruce Willis shows Sly how to do the "old man action hero" genre properly.

2. Four Lions

Chris Morris. Genius.

1. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

If you'd told me at the beginning of the year - or the day before I saw it -that this would end up being my favourite film of 2010, I wouldn't have believed you. I'm still not sure I believe it. But good on 'em. This is how to do a comic adaptation - make it even better than the source material!

2010 - Songs Of The Year

And so begins my countdown of the best of 2010 with a random sample of my favourite tracks of the year. The usual rules apply.

You'll see 20 of these artists again at the end of the week when I count down my favourite albums of the year. The rest of them, either their albums weren't up to scratch... or I haven't got round to listening to them yet.

As always, these lists are a work in progress...




Brandon Flowers - I Came Here To Get Over You

Carl Barat - The Fall

Johnny Cash - Ain't No Grave

The Crookes - Yes, Yes We're Magicians

Eels - The Man

Shrag - Tights In August

The Hold Steady - The Weekenders

Tom Williams & The Boat - Concentrate



Spoiler Alert! - Booster Gold

Adam Fromm - 88 Lines About 44 Fangirls (can't find a link - shame, as it's bloody excellent)

Boy Cried Wolf - No Comfort From Your Skin

Town Bike - Bastard Heart

Hurts - Wonderful Life

Meat Loaf - Los Angeloser

Superman Revenge Squad - An Old Man Flicking Through A Pornographic Magazine

Thea Gilmore - This Town

John Grant - Sigourney Weaver



Amanda Palmer - Creep

Jonny Cola & The A Grades - The Party's Over

Betty & The Werewolves - Paper Thin

Duke Special - Wanda, Darling Of The Jockey Club

Belle & Sebastian - I Want The World To Stop

Bruce Springsteen - Someday (We'll Be Together)

The Charlatans - My Foolish Pride



Dum Dum Girls - Jail La La

The Courteeners - The Rest Of The World Has Gone Home

The Divine Comedy - Down In The Street Below

James - Ten Below

Goldheart Assembly - King Of Rome

Richard Thompson - Sidney Wells

Lily Rae & The Saturday Girls - Hiding In Cinemas

Edwyn Collins - Bored

Lucky Soul - Woah Billy!

Emma Pollock - Hug The Harbour

Kathryn Williams - 50 White Lines

Rufus Wainwright - Who Are You New York?

Everybody Was In The French Resistance... Now! - He's A "Rebel"



Lloyd Cole - Writer's Retreat

Kort - Incredibly Lonely

Hayseed Dixie - Won't Get Fooled Again

Fyfe Dangerfield - Faster Than The Setting Sun

Gil Scott-Heron - New York Is Killing Me



Allo Darlin' - If Loneliness Was Art

Villagers - Ship Of Promises

Joe Summers - New Rave Scene

Babybird - For The Rest Of Our Lives

Teenage Fanclub - Baby Lee

I Am Kloot - Northern Skies



Avi Buffalo - What's In It For

Neil Diamond - Midnight Train To Georgia

Robyn - Don't Fucking Tell Me What To Do

The Gaslight Anthem - American Slang



My Chemical Romance - Na Na Na

Harper Simon - Berkeley Girl

Jimmy Webb, Billy Joel & Jerry Douglas - Wichita Lineman

The National - Anyone's Ghost

Titus Andronicus - A More Perfect Union

Justin Currie - You'll Always Walk Alone

Manic Street Preachers & Ian McCulloch - Some Kind Of Nothingness

Laura Marling - Devil's Spoke

Young Hegelians - God Nor Money




Blur - Fool's Day

Swans - You Fucking People Make Me Sick

Vampire Weekend - Holiday

Codeine Velvet Club - Hollywood

The Hidden Cameras - In The Na

Paul Heaton - Even A Palm Tree

It's Clichéd To Be Cynical At Christmas

I wanted to write you something special for Christmas.

Perhaps a #fridayflash story about a political party who wanted to ban the season of good will because it merely encouraged people to demonstrate bad will through the rest of the year. And about the serial killer determined to stop their nefarious schemes because Christmas was the only time off he gets.

Perhaps a comic strip pitting the Punisher against a Terminator-esque rogue Santa Claus gone evil. (Oh wait, I actually did write that.)

Perhaps some poorly veiled excuse to plug PJANG #5 again to the three of you who haven't yet bought a copy...

Perhaps a list of bleakly humorous festive tunes, like A Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis...




But then I read Steve's hugely touching Christmas post and I thought... you know what...?

It really is clichéd to be cynical at Christmas.

And I hate to be a cliché on top of all my other many flaws.

And so, to everyone still reading this saggy old, baggy old blogpuss of mine... have a very happy one.

I'll be back next week with my favourite things of 2010. A whole week of lists! Yipee!

Top Ten Satan Songs

All right, all right, enough with the Top Twenty Devil Songs... let's have something a bit more FESTIVE, shall we?

How about a Top Ten Santa songs..?

D'oh! Me and my damned dyslexia!


10. The Louvin Brothers - Satan Is Real

An old style deep south country hit that breaks into gospel style preaching about the evils and temptations of modern music and society.

Quite possibly the most bizarre thing you'll hear this week... if you click the link.

No wonder Johnny Cash dubbed himself The Man In Black if this is what the country white hats were singing.

9. Luke Haines - Satan Wants Me

The devil has the best tunes... sounds like he's already got you, Luke.

8. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Satan Said Dance

This song sounds like a Charles Manson recruitment drive to me.

7. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me

(Or, as the mondgreen has it, "Beelzebub has the devil for a sideboard".)

When I was 16, Queen's biggest hit was among my Top Three Favourite Songs EVER. And that was long before Wayne's World.

6. British Sea Power - No, Lucifer

Why are satanic puppets so disturbing? A nightmarish video for one of BSP's most poppy songs.

5. Cake - Satan Is My Motor

Satan is the only one who seems to understand...

4. Orbital - Satan

I'm not a huge fan of dance music, but this Orbital track stuck in my mind from about 15 years ago because of it's amusingly sampled intro, and I had to recruit the twitter hivemind to help me remember it.

Daddy, what does regret mean?
Well son, the funny thing about regret is,
It's better to regret something you have done,
Than to regret something you haven't done.
And by the way, if you see your mom this weekend,
Be sure and tell her, SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!

Apparently, the sample originates from a Butthole Surfers track called Sweat Loaf. Which is nice.

3. Art Brut - Demons Out

In which Eddie Argos kicks Satan's arse.

How can you sleep at night when nobody likes the music we like?
How am I supposed to sleep at night when no one likes the music we write?
Record buying public, we hate them
This is Art Brut vs. Satan
Don't worry, we can take 'em!

2. Ben Folds - Satan Is My Master

About 45 seconds into this short track, Ben Folds is possessed by the devil. It's like Billy Joel meets The Exorcist.

1. Morrissey - Satan Rejected My Soul

Poor old Moz (#4765). Even Satan doesn't want him.




So, my little devils... which Satanic Song do you worship?


For more festive Satanic Santa fun, can I direct you towards this week's Thoughtballoons story? Ryan chose Santa Claus as this week's character... and I did a very bad thing.

At Home

"In the early 1870s, the London and South-Western Railway announced plans to run a line right through the heart of the Stonehenge site. When people complained, a railway official countered that Stonehenge was 'entirely out of repair, and not the slightest use to anyone'".

Slightly pompous, dry and sarcastic in a very English way (though by birth an American), occasionally falling too much under the spell of his own research yet always able to give good anecdote... At Home is pretty much everything you'd expect from Bill Bryson. It purports to take a tour round the author's home, a 19th century rectory in rural Norfolk, using each room as a springboard for a 'history of domestic life'. Of course, being Bryson it soon rambles way off message, to the point where certain chapters manage to get by almost without ever mentioning the room they're supposed to be focused on. (The quote above comes from the chapter on 'The Attic' - don't ask me why.)

So 'The Nursery' deals at length with infant and adult mortality in days gone by and doesn't tell us anything about where cots came from or who first came up with those nursery-rhyme playing mobiles people use to distract babies to sleep. On the other hand, we do get the life story of the man who invented the mousetrap (James Henry Atkinson) in the chapter on 'The Study' - because that's where Bryson fights his own battles with vermin. A typical Bryson anecdote follows, telling how smart rats steal eggs from a poultry market without breaking them...

"...one rat would embrace an egg with all four legs, then roll over onto its back. A second rat would then drag the first rat by its tail to their burrow, where they could share their prize in peace."

Occasionally Bryson becomes so wrapped up in the life of a particular architect, designer or historical figure that he might well be writing their biography, but mostly he boils these characters down to their most fascinating and amusing traits. It's always dangerous skipping a Bryson paragraph, even the boring ones, because you might miss a gem.

Some rooms give him far more to write about than others, particularly the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom... which proves most revealing on how the prudish Victorians dealt with sexual arousal. Who doesn't want to find out more about that?

"A sample of Ice Cream sold in London in 1881... was found to contain human hair, cat hair, insects, cotton fibres and several other insalubrious constituents"

"'Wash your hands often, your feet seldom and your head never' was a common English proverb."

"...the Penile Pricking Ring... was slipped over the penis at bedtime and was lined with metal prongs that bit into any penis that impiously swelled beyond a very small range of permissible deviation."

There. That'll keep my blog blocked on certain search engines for "sexual material". Gotta maintain my sordid reputation...

Two Gig Memories (2) James

My second gig of the week - and final gig of the year - was James, a triumphant hometown performance at the Manchester Evening News Arena on Saturday night. It was, as James gigs always are, a memorable event - packed with hits, and highlights from the two albums they released earlier this year (The Night Before and The Morning After). As somebody always remarks at a James gig, you forget how many great singles they've had. Not just the obvious ones like Sit Down, She's A Star and Laid, but stirring and inspirational tracks like Sometimes, Say Something, Come Home and my personal favourite (it brings a tear to my eye if I'm in the right mood) Tomorrow.



For a while though, it looked like I might not make it to this gig at all. All because of the weather... and the weather forecasters.

I'm starting to think weather forecasters should not be trusted. I'm starting to think they haven't a clue what they're talking about. I'm starting to think they should all be taken out in the street and shot.

To be fair, the rest of the country seems to have suffered quite badly in the weekend's snow, while our own little pocket of the Pennines (West Yorkshire and Manchester) appears to have escaped relatively unscathed. The forecasters though, they were determined to sow fear in all our hearts. All last week they were giving out dire warnings that the snow would stop me getting across to Manchester... so I decided to be on the safe side and post the tickets to Dave (who lives on t'other side of the hills) so that at least one of us would be able to go.

The tickets didn't actually arrive till Wednesday (bloody slack promoters!) so on Thursday morning I popped into the Post Office (well, I say 'popped' - what I actually mean is waited half an hour to be served, though not in a queue as our post office doesn't believe in queues anymore, they now operate a rubbish numbered ticket system). Knowing that the Christmas post is unreliable, I chose the Guaranteed Next Day Delivery option...

"That'll be £5, please. Oh, and because of the snow, they've lifted the guarantee."

"Hang on... so what exactly are you charging me £5 for then?"

"Well, they'll try their best to get it there... but if they can't, because of the snow, they won't refund you or pay you any compensation."

"So what's the difference between just sending it First Class for 35p?"

"Oh, that wouldn't be guaranteed at all."

"But this isn't guaranteed at all."

"No, but they'll try their best."

If the tickets didn't arrive Friday, chances are Dave wouldn't be able to go to the gig either. But if I didn't take the risk and it snowed, neither of us would be able to go. So I paid the £5 and crossed my fingers.

On arriving home, I checked the weather forecast again. It had been revised. All mention of Heavy Snow had lifted for our area. If this new forecast was to be believed, the tickets would arrive no problem, wearing sunhats and bikinis. But if this new forecast was to be believed, I needn't have sent them Special Delivery in the first place.

The new forecast was, for once, accurate (minus the sun hats and bikinis). The tickets arrived, I got across the Pennines, the snow stayed away (mostly - though the rest of the country has descended into a new Ice Age) and all was well.

See, I'm not just here to tell you about when things go wrong. Every now and then, they don't. I still had to pay a fiver for absolutely no reason at all... but it could have been worse. It could always be worse.

Two Gig Memories (1) Half Man Half Christmas

My final two gigs of the year... first up was Half Man Half Biscuit, live in Holmfirth. I can't tell you how happy it makes me that a band like HMHB will now play a venue less than 10 minutes drive from my front door. I'm almost smiling as I type this.

I smiled a lot on Thursday night... here's five lyrical reasons why I love HMHB...

(With thanks to The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project.)

1.

Car crime’s low, the gun crime’s lower
The town hall band CD, it’s a grower
You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce
Although there was a drive-by shouting once

(For What Is Chatteris)

2.

Checkmate! Dennis Bell of Torquay
Too late with your Nxe3
Good game sir, do you want another bout?
Well Dennis ain’t replying ‘cos he just signed out

(Bad Losers On Yahoo Chess)

3.

God I could murder a Cadbury’s Flake
But then I guess you wouldn’t let me into heaven
Or maybe you would
‘Cos their adverts promote oral sex

A Romany bint in a field with her paints
Suggesting we faint at her beauty
But she’s got Dickie Davies eyes

(Dickie Davies Eyes)

4.

I stick me big nose in
When I go out
Sealed-off car park
What’s it all about?
I like an altercation with a member of staff
“That was a ten pound note!”

I ring up Dial-A-Pizza
I ring up Dial-A-Pizza
I ring up Dial-A-Pizza
And say that’s not how I would spell “Hawaiian”

(Petty Sessions)

5.

You don’t have a tree
And your smile has a fee
All the same, here’s a card
For your boring facade
Jingle Bells, piney smells
All the boys and the girls
Say it’s cliched
To be cynical
At Christmas

(It's Cliched To Be Cynical At Christmas)

PJANG #5 - People Aren't Getting Any Better

The fifth issue of my comic PJANG (People Just Ain't No Good) is finally available to order by clicking here!

The comic features two all new strips written by me, with art from Peerless Paul Rainey and Crackerjack Kelvin Green.

Covers, as always, by Notable Nige Lowrey... while everything else (all the stuff you take for granted) was helped along by Divine Davey Metcalfe-Carr. (Click that last link for a sneak preview of a future PJANG story.)

I'm really happy with the way this issue has turned out... and you can see why below. (Click on the individual images to biggify them and read the previews.)

To read the rest of these awesome adventures, go order yourself a copy of PJANG #5 now! What are you waiting for - Christmas?

Sum: Tales From The Afterlives

Sum features 40 short stories that attempt to answer the ultimate question of human existence: what happens when we die?

Do we finally discover the secrets of the universe? Is heaven all we've ever dreamed of? Are we just such huge cosmic science experiment? Do good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere, as Jim Steinman always promised us? David Eagleman has the answers.

Keeping his tales pithy in the extreme (the longest being 4 pages, many are just 2), the author presents a series of astounding and amusing possibilities, from an afterlife prism where you exist at every single age of your life (and end up arguing with younger and older versions of yourself) to one where you become a supporting character in other people's dreams to one where your life rewinds and you discover it wasn't quite the way you remembered it.

My favourite is the quantum afterlife wherein everything exists in all possible states at once. As human beings we find it extremely confusing, until it's presented to us in terms of a romantic relationship... and then everything makes perfect sense.

Not every one of these possible afterlives will be for you. Occasionally Eagleman (who's a neuroscientist in his day job) comes across as the bastard lovechild of Stephen Hawking and Richard Dawkins, but hey, that might be just your thing. It doesn't matter, there's so many great ideas here that if one doesn't quite take your fancy, just move onto the next and start thinking about that one instead. There's a lot to think about...

The Ninja Meme

You may have noticed I haven't done any memes for a few weeks.

You may have also noticed that I haven't posted much in the way of personal blog posts. It's been stories, book and film reviews and music pretty much all the way.

There's a number of reasons for that, mostly that I've been a little down on myself and whenever I started to write anything personal it all just got a little pessimistic and/or misanthropic. Honestly, I've got halfway through a couple of memes recently and had to abandon them because the violins were playing too loud in the background. You don't want to read that.

Anyway, happy face on. I reckon I can make it through this particular meme without making you reach for your hankies. It comes via Sunday Stealing, do feel free to steal it for your own uses should you so wish.

1. What do you add to your coffee?

Hot water.

There is only one way to drink coffee in my book: hot and black.

Take your cappu-frapp-latte-chicos and stick 'em.

2. What are you reading now?

I've just finished reading Billy Bryson's At Home and David Eagleman's Sum: Tales From The Afterlives, both of which I'll be reviewing soon.

I think next on the list is The Year Of The Flood by Margaret Atwood.

3. Do you own a gun?

If. Only.

4. Are you registered to vote?

Of course I am. Though I might find that privilege taken away from me should I ever come into possession of a gun.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?

I am a complete hypochondriac, so yes.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

They're evil.

But sometimes, hard to resist.

7. Favorite Christmas Song?

Right at this moment...



...because I'm still missing them.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Green tea.

9. Can you do push ups?

If I have to. But not very many.

10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

Real or imaginary?

11. What’s your favourite piece of jewellery?

I don't own any jewellery.

Well, apart from my pierced scrotum. Does that count?

12. Favorite hobby?

Reading.

Or music.

13. Do you work with people who idolize you?

I work with people who abhor me.

14. Do you have ADD?

I'm sorry, were you saying something?

15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?

Selfishness, anger and insecurity.

Oh, sorry, you only asked for one.

16. What’s your middle name?

Rolston.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.

"What a fucking stupid question."

"Can I go on to the next one now?"

"No? How about now?"

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday.

A coffee, large and black.

A bag of Seabrook Prawn Cocktail crisps.

Er... I only bought two things yesterday.

19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink.

Coffee.

Green Tea.

Canada Dry Ginger Ale.

20. Current worry right now?

Whether the predicted weekend snow will stop me getting to Manchester to see James (the band) on Saturday night.

21. What side do you dress to?

It's never come up.

22. Favorite place to be?

Somewhere quiet, writing.

23. How did you bring in the New Year?

Last New Year? I can't remember that far back.

24. Where would you like to go?

Home.

25. Name three people who will see today.

Louise.

Ian.

My Mum.





How was that? I think I managed without too much fear and self-loathing... didn't I?

Top Twenty Devil Songs

Following on from last week's #fridayflash story, The Devil Wants Your Small Change, here are 20 songs about Old Nick...





20. Robert Johnson - Me & The Devil Blues

He sold his soul to the devil, just to play songs like this.

19. Bruce Springsteen - Devils & Dust

The best track from my least favourite Springsteen album.

What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love

Nice harmonica.

18. Marty Robbins - Devil Woman

The cooler song with this title. Don't worry, we'll get to the uncooler one in a moment.

17. Superman Revenge Squad - The Devil Has Two Hands

If Star Wars single-handedly killed decent cinema
Then MTV single-handedly killed music
And the devil has two hands, he uses one to shove all these bands onto the telly, and the other one to stab them in the back

And Coca-Cola owns Christmas these days, I’d start a riot but might miss Eastenders, and that would be too much of a price to pay
And everything I love is mass-produced and meant to last a day; my favourite records started life an a glint in some sweat shop owner's eye

16. Skip James - Devil Got My Woman

The song Steve Buscemi gets all worked up about in the movie Ghost World.

15. Modest Mouse - This Devil's Workday

MM trying to sound like Tom Waits... again.

14. John Martyn - I'd Rather Be The Devil

I'd rather be the devil
Than I would be my woman's man

13. Wild Beasts - The Devil's Crayon

I saw Wild Beasts live once, in a support slot. I hated them.

On record though, they're growing on me.

12. Suzi Quatro - Devil Gate Drive

Ah those leather pants and white boots.

11. Luke Haines - All The English Devils

Where Mrs. Beeton meets Nobby Stiles - only in a Luke Haines lyric.

10. Cliff Richard - Devil Woman

Look, everyone, it's Cliff!

Or, if you prefer, the Flight of the Conchords parody... guest starring Chloe from 24.



9. INXS - Devil Inside

Before Michael Hutchence did his last dance, I was a huge INXS fan. It all seems like such a long time ago...

8. Gil Scott Heron - Me & The Devil

If anyone knows the darkness in men's souls, it's GSH...

7. Elvis - You're The Devil In Disguise

Oh yes you are.

6. The Lawrence Arms - The Devil's Taking Names

A literary punk band? Really?

5. The Smiths - Handsome Devil

Let me get my hands on your mammary glands
And let me get your head on the conjugal bed
I say, I say, I say...

That sweet-tongued devil... maybe Morrissey wouldn't be so unlucky in love if he changed his chat up lines.

4. Billie Holliday - That Ole Devil Called Love

See also Alison Moyet, the second greatest version of this classic.

3. Shed Seven - Devil In Your Shoes

Some may scoff at such a high placing for the Sheds... but this is their finest hour. Give them their due.

2. The Charlie Daniels Band - The Devil Went Down To Georgia

Johnny, rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard.
'Cos hells broke loose in Georgia and the devil deals the cards.
And if you win you get this shiny fiddle made of gold.
But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.

I really wanted this to be Number One.

Fire on the mountain, run boys, run.
The devil's in the house of the risin' sun.
Chicken in the bread pan, pickin' out dough.
"Granny, does your dog bite?"
"No, child, no."

1. Rolling Stones - Sympathy For The Devil

When you search for "The Rolling Stones" on youtube, this is the first track that comes up. For good reason...



So... what will I be damned to hell for all eternity for not including?

Generation A

Billed as a sequel to Douglas Coupland's famous debut (Generation X), this is actually no more of a sequel than any of the other novels he's written in the past 19 years. Coupland's books always follow a similar path, with clever-clever characters sitting around having witty conversations and telling amusing anecdotes that reflect the strange and wonderful society they're part of. Occasionally he fools us into thinking there's an actual plot going on (most notably in my favourite of his books, Girlfriend In A Coma) though that's rarely why we read Coupland. We read for his warm humour, his zeitgeist-surfing opinions, his slightly annoying characters, and his brilliant way with language. He usually manages to touch your heart too, somewhere along the way, which is always a bonus.

Generation A fools you into thinking Coupland is writing a thriller, with a pacy opening in which 5 disparate individuals in the near future are stung by (extinct) bees and subsequently bundled away by scientists for further investigation. It's all quite exciting - for Coupland! - until the writer reveals his true plan. This isn't a sci-fi actioner at all... but the set-up for a decameron. Don't worry, I'd have had to google it too. Fortunately, Coupland provides his own explanation...

"The Decameron is a collection of short stories written from 1350 to 1353 by Italian writer, Giovanni Boccaccio. The collection begins with a description of the Black Death. Then we meet a group of seven young men and women who flee from plague-ridden Florence to a villa in the countryside. To pass the time, each member of the group tells stories about lust, the nobility and the clergy."

And so Coupland segues into his own decameron, in which the five bee-sting victims (from the USA, Canada, France, New Zealand and Sri Lanka) tell a series of made-up stories that combine similar themes and elements to reveal more about their background, their world, and their generation... a generation that is rapidly becoming addicted to a new drug that stops them ever worrying about the future.

The transition between the two sections is awkward. As a reader, you're enjoying one story and then you're expected to jettison your excitement and devote yourself instead to a series of seemingly unconnected shorts. It makes for an uncomfortable and off-putting mid-section, but once you're over that hump Coupland again begins to dazzle with stories about the devolution of language into text speak, heavy metal fans who suddenly forget how numbers work, and a Sex With No Strings romance between two preachers.

Like all Coupland's novels, Generation A is bursting with ideas and a keen insight into the world and where it's going. He gamely tries to tie all the threads together to make sense of the plot as a whole, but by then it doesn't really matter. That's not why we read Coupland. Story isn't everything.

Friday Flash - The Devil Wants Your Small Change

Some stories require very little introduction...

The Devil Wants Your Small Change


Late last year, the Devil decided to stop asking for souls and start asking for small change instead. This wasn’t any kind of fiscally motivated decision. Despite what you might have read in your red top newspapers, the recession hasn’t yet hit Hell. The Netherworld is doing pretty well from all those conniving bankers, corrupt politicians and Facebook philanderers, thank you very much. Takings were up 30,050% in the last quarter alone. Maybe that was part of the problem.

The truth was, the Devil was sick of taking souls. Not only were they starting to clutter up Hell (and Hell was infinite, so just imagine how many it takes to clutter the place up), there was little challenge to it any more. People would sell you their soul as soon as look at you these days. For a shot on The X-Factor, for two weeks in Magaluf with a Page 3 Stunner, for a mild win on the bingo, for a blowjob and a Kit Kat. Everybody had a price, and the price just kept going down. There was no value to souls any more. Small change though – nobody’d give up their small change. Not without a fight.

The Devil discovered this to his chagrin late one Saturday afternoon outside the bus station in Carlisle. He was supposed to be catching a bus to Barrow to meet an Archduke of the Nephilim, but he ended up 85p short for the price of his ticket. He really shouldn’t have had that extra pint with his lunch in Wetherspoons. The late afternoon lethargy was already setting in. He couldn’t even be bothered arguing with the bus driver or consigning him for eternity to the Fourth Circle. Instead, he got off the bus and decided to try asking one of the locals for the 85p he needed to complete his journey.

Obviously the Devil doesn’t like to be recognised when he’s using public transport, so he wasn’t dressed as himself this particular Saturday. He’d left the horns, the cape and the pitchfork back home and put on some jeans and a moth-eaten Fair Isle sweater his mum had given him for his birthday back in 1823, ditching the whole red skin and brimstone thing for a rather pasty, unshaven look. He badly needed a haircut too, but his favourite barber had won the keys to Heaven from St. Peter in a poker game and the Devil was having a "himself" of a time persuading Barney to bring his scissors back down to the fiery regions, even for half an hour on a Friday. What can you do? When you find a good hairdresser, you’re loathe to go anywhere else.

In short then, the Devil looked exactly like the kind of person you’d expect to find scrounging for your small change outside a bus station in Carlisle on a Saturday afternoon. Which is probably why nobody would give him anything.

“Hi, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m a little short on my bus fare. I really need 85p to get to—“

“Sorry, love, I don’t have any change.”

“Excuse me, sir, I wonder if you can help. I’m not a beggar or anything, but I—“

“Fuck off, mate.”

“Hello, sorry to… Hello? Hello! Charming!”

Now while any normal person might have been discouraged by non-stop brush-offs and sporadic abuse, the Devil found it quite heartening. He hadn’t been so roundly rejected since the early days of soul bartering, back when you really had to pull out all the stops to get people to part with their eternal quintessence. Faust, Tom Walker, Robert Johnson – these were men who drove a hard bargain. The Devil missed that kind of ruthless negotiation, it’d been too long. He decided to change tack and see what he might offer in return for his much-needed 85p. Obviously riches were out, if he had the necessary funds he wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place. Unfortunately, despite profiting from everyone else’s economic woe, all the Devil’s money was tied up in ISAs and High Interest Accounts requiring 7-day notice before withdrawal, so he had to think what else he might have to trade.

“Madame – how would you like to maintain your ravishing beauty throughout all the ages?”

“Are you being sarcastic? Piss off! I’ve got a boyfriend, scumbag!”

“Sir – how would you like to bed any woman you fancy with nothing but a smile and a saucy wink?”

“I’m gay, mate, you're wasting your time with me."

“Hello, I wonder if I could tempt you with a… Hello? Hello! Thank you!”

The Devil soon grew tired. The entire human race was so cynical and jaded – not to mention parsimonious to its core. He was losing all faith in them. Nobody believed in anything any more. That was why it had become so easy to take their souls – none of them even supposed they had one in the first place. But they all knew exactly how much money they had in their pockets, and they weren’t about to give it up to some scrounging layabout who’d probably just spend it on cheap booze and fags. He’d tried everything he could and no one would even give him the time of day, let alone 85p. He was most upset. He sat down on a fold-up seat in the bus shelter and started to cry. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried – some time before the fall, he reckoned. It was amazing his tear ducts still worked.

It was starting to get dark and the Devil realised the Archduke of the Nephilim had probably given up waiting by now and gone to the club without him. His whole weekend was ruined, and all for the want of 85p. That was when the children came to him. There was a small gang of them, four boys and two girls. The eldest couldn’t have been more than eleven, they certainly weren't teenagers, though the girls were dressed like slatterns, but that was just the fashion of the day. The Devil was used to that sort of thing. Very little shocked him any more.

“Here – mister – you all right?” said the ringleader of the urchins.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” said his cohort, a blubbery lad in a tracksuit who was laying the groundwork for some serious acne in years to come.

A third child, one of the pre-slutty girls, came over and offered him a crumpled tissue, which the Devil took and used to dab his tear stained cheeks. He thanked her and started to explain his predicament when three of the lads jumped him, knocked him face down onto the concrete, and held him down while the fourth stole his trainers. They ran away laughing.

The Devil retaliated by wiping the city of Carlisle off the map in a firestorm of pestilence, frogs, hailstones and locusts that still rages to this day.

And the moral - if you want to call it that - of this story is... the next time you’re walking through town and a straggly stranger comes up to you and asks you to spare an odd amount of loose change for the bus to somewhere daft… spare a thought. Is 85p really going to kill you?