Green Lantern

I don't like Green Lantern.

Never have.

Yeah, I read the comic when I was a kid. I read all sorts of tat when I was a kid. But apart from the days when Dave Gibbons was drawing him, and a soft spot for dumb redneck Green Lantern Guy Gardener in Justice League International, I never really got into the character. The problem with Green Lantern will always be too much power. He can do anything. He can do everything. The only limits are his imagination. Plus, like a lot of DC superheroes, the costume is more important than the man. We don't care about Hal Jordan because he doesn't have a life beyond saving the world. I can't relate to that in the way I relate to Peter Parker or Matt Murdoch or Ben Grimm. Because the secret identity is the mask, everything beneath the costume is a cipher.

Then again, I don't like Superman either, for many of the same reasons. Yet I still enjoyed 3 of the Superman movies (the first two Christopher Reeves more than the Brandon Routh) and I've managed to stick with Smallville through waaay too many dead horse flogging seasons. So it's not impossible to make a fun movie or TV show out of a comics character I have little interest in. You just have to put in a little effort. Sadly, director Martin Campbell, his five screenwriters, and most of the cast just don't bother. Green Lantern is one of the worst films I've ever seen. It's not just bad, it's Forrest Gump bad. And it don't get no worse than that, buddy.

Like Thor, Green Lantern spends half its time on Earth, and the other half in the stars. The difference is that when Thor had its head in the clouds, we were being treated to cod Shakespearian camp - a meaty chunk of soap that made the sci fi much easier to swallow. When Green Lantern is in space, we just get video game visuals and video game plotting. Then when Thor was on the ground, we got a fish out of water comedy, a gutsy love interest and impressive action sequences. When Green Lantern comes down to earth, we get Blake Lively and a helicopter on a willpower-created rollercoaster. And for all the nonsense backstory of Thor, at least it was a nonsense backstory based on epic Norse mythology. With Green Lantern, we get this...

Billions of years ago, a group of immortals harnessed the most powerful force in existence: the emerald energy of willpower. These immortals, the guardians of the universe, built a world from where they could watch over all of existence: the planet Oa. A ring powered by the energy of will was sent to every sector of the universe to select or recruit. In order to be chosen by the ring, one had to be without fear. Together these recruits formed the intergalactic peacekeepers known as the Green Lantern Corps...

I swear to god, if I'd submitted that for a first year high school English assignment to write my own science fiction story, I'd have failed. "The emerald energy of willpower"? Do what now? "In order to be chosen by the ring, one had to be without fear." Because fear and willpower are connected how? What's that legendary line Harrison Ford allegedly gave George Lucas? "You can type this shit, but you sure as hell can't say it." Guys, do you not think there are some concepts from 60s comic mythology that should be left in the gutter of the 20th century? Use the characters if you must, try and sell them to the modern age... but at least have a little respect for the intelligence of your audience. And for god's sake, don't open your film with five minutes of such asinine exposition... say what you want about George Lucas, but "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" suddenly sounds like high art.

It's sad, because the shrill and unpleasant poutiness of Blake Lively aside, there are some decent actors trying their hardest to make the most of Green Lantern. Peter Sarsgaard. Mark Strong. Tim Robbins. Hell, even Ryan Reynolds. Say what you like about him, but Reynolds has movie star charisma up the wazoo. He's got that Cary Grant / Harrison Ford grin down pat, and sometimes that's all you need to play the hero. He just doesn't get chance here. None of them do.

Green Lantern is a wasted opportunity. A waste of money. And most of all, a waste of time. I can't remember the last time I was so bored by a film. Or by any other activity save cleaning the toilet. This movie sapped my will to live. I couldn't even leave the theatre, so bad was the bright green halo of torpor. Maybe it wasn't willpower those immortal Oan guardians harnessed after all... maybe it was tedium. The green power of tedium. Maybe it really is the most powerful force in all the universe...