Green Lantern

I don't like Green Lantern.

Never have.

Yeah, I read the comic when I was a kid. I read all sorts of tat when I was a kid. But apart from the days when Dave Gibbons was drawing him, and a soft spot for dumb redneck Green Lantern Guy Gardener in Justice League International, I never really got into the character. The problem with Green Lantern will always be too much power. He can do anything. He can do everything. The only limits are his imagination. Plus, like a lot of DC superheroes, the costume is more important than the man. We don't care about Hal Jordan because he doesn't have a life beyond saving the world. I can't relate to that in the way I relate to Peter Parker or Matt Murdoch or Ben Grimm. Because the secret identity is the mask, everything beneath the costume is a cipher.

Then again, I don't like Superman either, for many of the same reasons. Yet I still enjoyed 3 of the Superman movies (the first two Christopher Reeves more than the Brandon Routh) and I've managed to stick with Smallville through waaay too many dead horse flogging seasons. So it's not impossible to make a fun movie or TV show out of a comics character I have little interest in. You just have to put in a little effort. Sadly, director Martin Campbell, his five screenwriters, and most of the cast just don't bother. Green Lantern is one of the worst films I've ever seen. It's not just bad, it's Forrest Gump bad. And it don't get no worse than that, buddy.

Like Thor, Green Lantern spends half its time on Earth, and the other half in the stars. The difference is that when Thor had its head in the clouds, we were being treated to cod Shakespearian camp - a meaty chunk of soap that made the sci fi much easier to swallow. When Green Lantern is in space, we just get video game visuals and video game plotting. Then when Thor was on the ground, we got a fish out of water comedy, a gutsy love interest and impressive action sequences. When Green Lantern comes down to earth, we get Blake Lively and a helicopter on a willpower-created rollercoaster. And for all the nonsense backstory of Thor, at least it was a nonsense backstory based on epic Norse mythology. With Green Lantern, we get this...

Billions of years ago, a group of immortals harnessed the most powerful force in existence: the emerald energy of willpower. These immortals, the guardians of the universe, built a world from where they could watch over all of existence: the planet Oa. A ring powered by the energy of will was sent to every sector of the universe to select or recruit. In order to be chosen by the ring, one had to be without fear. Together these recruits formed the intergalactic peacekeepers known as the Green Lantern Corps...

I swear to god, if I'd submitted that for a first year high school English assignment to write my own science fiction story, I'd have failed. "The emerald energy of willpower"? Do what now? "In order to be chosen by the ring, one had to be without fear." Because fear and willpower are connected how? What's that legendary line Harrison Ford allegedly gave George Lucas? "You can type this shit, but you sure as hell can't say it." Guys, do you not think there are some concepts from 60s comic mythology that should be left in the gutter of the 20th century? Use the characters if you must, try and sell them to the modern age... but at least have a little respect for the intelligence of your audience. And for god's sake, don't open your film with five minutes of such asinine exposition... say what you want about George Lucas, but "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" suddenly sounds like high art.

It's sad, because the shrill and unpleasant poutiness of Blake Lively aside, there are some decent actors trying their hardest to make the most of Green Lantern. Peter Sarsgaard. Mark Strong. Tim Robbins. Hell, even Ryan Reynolds. Say what you like about him, but Reynolds has movie star charisma up the wazoo. He's got that Cary Grant / Harrison Ford grin down pat, and sometimes that's all you need to play the hero. He just doesn't get chance here. None of them do.

Green Lantern is a wasted opportunity. A waste of money. And most of all, a waste of time. I can't remember the last time I was so bored by a film. Or by any other activity save cleaning the toilet. This movie sapped my will to live. I couldn't even leave the theatre, so bad was the bright green halo of torpor. Maybe it wasn't willpower those immortal Oan guardians harnessed after all... maybe it was tedium. The green power of tedium. Maybe it really is the most powerful force in all the universe...

Morrissey - The Vegas Years

On the hottest night of the year, Morrissey brought his sparkly-shirted cabaret act to St. Georges Hall, Bradford... and blew up the stage. Literally.

Whether he likes to admit it or not, these are the Vegas days for the Mozfather. A few years back he was performing in front of huge letters that spelt out his name in light bulbs, a la Elvis: The Comeback Special. Now, while he's not yet wearing jumpsuits or doing ill-advised karate moves on stage, and the lack of burgers mean his waistline stays respectable (for a man of his years), a Vegas residency Greatest Hits package has become his lot, albeit in the slightly less glamorous surroundings of Grimsby, Stoke and Bradford. But should we expect anything else?

The setlist was one of his best in recent years, without an over-reliance on the last three albums, nothing too obscure, and some live gems I've not heard for ages... if ever. Perversely, these included the much-maligned You're The One For Me, Fatty and Ouija Board, Ouija Board: but as I'm an unashamed fan of both, I was pleased as punch. Great to hear Alma Matters and Speedway again too, while the mid-set one-two punch of There Is A Light... followed by Everyday Is Like Sunday would have made for a much more satisfying singalong encore than the tired combo of First Of The Gang (a great song, but it needs a long rest) and a lumpen This Charming Man... which left me feeling JC might be right about refusing access to certain segments of the Smiths back catalogue. Then again, the night's undisputed highlight was a rare 25th birthday outing for I Know It's Over, a performance that made me wonder what'd happen if Moz took the Vegas comparison to its extremes, ditched Boz Boorer and the lads, and took to the road with a proper showband instead... or even an orchestra? He'd have to devise a set-list that steered clear of the sonic battery of Meat Is Murder (no great loss) while favouring tracks like I Know Its Over, Trouble Loves Me and There Is A Light (with proper strings... imagine!), but surely it's time for some kind of change?

Instead, it looks like we can expect more of the same, at least until he finally decides to get off the stage. New tracks performed last night were People Are The Same Everywhere (you can guess the rest) and Action Is My Middle Name, one of his catchiest offerings in years - given that I was singing along by the second chorus. Of course, he's back to being without a record deal, and moaning that no one will have have him, but that's all part of the act. It's impossible to believe there aren't interested parties, given the current state of the music industry, even with his infamous reputation.

One thing that wasn't part of the act was the aforementioned explosion which silenced the main set's final song, Irish Blood, English Heart a few lines in. Darkness and silence filled the stage, and for a moment we all wondered whether it really was over. Given his frequent avowal that performing is the only thing to give his life meaning, it'd be perfectly proper for Morrissey to one day go out singing... but thankfully this was not to be the night. A panic of roadies saved us from the riot, but by then we'd had the best of him, and it was time to say goodbye, if not farewell. Vegas act or not, record deal or gurning busker, I still hope it's a long time before we say farewell to Morrissey forever...

Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life

If I'd murdered the boss who gave me my first job in radio back in 1988, I reckon I'd have been out of prison long before this. As it is, I feel like I've done the time without doing the crime.

But now I've finally been released, and not just for good behaviour. I'm free as a bird, and I'm never going back. It's forward all the way now. Even the sun has come out to congratulate me. And what better way to celebrate my new lease of life but by seeing my old pal Morrissey, live, tonight. Ironically, the gig's in Bradford... but I'm seeing it as my grand farewell to that inland town they forgot to bomb.

Thanks for all the well-wishy stuff. I promise I won't let the positivity poison this blog too much, we'll be back to the cynicism and grumbling very soon... after all, I've still got that Green Lantern review to write!

Redundant

After 23 years working for the same company, 15 of them on staff as a copywriter, I have been made redundant. I won't bore you with the whys and wherefores, the ins and outs, the tears and souvenirs of it all. It's not in my interest to talk about it and I doubt it'd be of interest to you. The fact is, I'm redundant...

Or am I?

It's a weird word, redundant. What does it really mean... and does it really mean me?

Let's ask the dictionary for a few definitions...

1. surplus to requirements; unnecessary or superfluous

Am I surplus to requirements? My former employers obviously think so. Others might (and hopefully will) disagree. I can't see anything wrong in being superfluous - you're one half super, to start with it. I'd always rather be 50% super than 60% shite.

2. verbose or tautological

I'll happily admit to the former - if you've ever read this blog, I can't really deny it. As to the latter, the secondary point, the issue of tautology described within... never.

3. deprived of one's job because it is no longer necessary for efficient operation: he has been made redundant

That would seem apparent.

4. being in excess; exceeding what is usual or natural: a redundant part.

You mean... like a mutant? Cool!

(Oh, stop being such a whinger, Cyclops. So you lost your job - big deal! Man up!)

5. characterized by verbosity or unnecessary repetition in expressing ideas; prolix: a redundant style.

Didn't we cover this already?

6. having some unusual or extra part or feature.

You mean, like six fingers or a vestigial tail? Again: cool. Can I have angel wings too?

But wait, let's look at the Latin derivation...

7. from Latin redundans - overflowing, from redundāre - to run back, stream over

Right at this moment, of all the definitions on offer, this is the one which feels most appropriate. Overflowing, streaming over... unable to contain my joy.

Yes, joy.

The truth is, I'm looking on this as, potentially, one of the most exciting things that's ever happened to me. The possibilities are endless, and I fully intend to seize every one of them by the throat or the balls or any other soft and vulnerable part within easy reach. The future's so bright...

...you know the rest.



(Only the 80s could give us a video like that. I do feel bad for the donkey though.)

Top Twenty Car Crash Songs

You're only human, you have to slow down and take a look as you drive past this week's list of songs...

20. James - Crash (From 'Millionaires'.)

Probably isn't actually about a car crash, which is why I placed it at number 20. Who can tell with Tim Booth's lyrics? Great song anyway.

19. Half Man Half Biscuit - Tour Jacket With Detachable Sleeves (From 'Some Call It Godcore'.)

On his way back from seeing a night of terrible tribute acts (including I Can't Believe Its Not Focus and the Identical Cocteau Twins), Nigel Blackwell and his girlfriend Helen, in her eponymous tour jacket, take the last bus home...

As we boarded, I immediately felt a little uneasy, as the driver didn’t seem to know the required fare for our intended destination. As we made our way to the upper deck front seat, I felt the vehicle swing round to the left, as if to go along Bridge Street. “He really doesn’t know the route”, I thought, with increasing alarm. “Better go downstairs and help him out. Wait a minute. Bridge Street? The overhead railway Bridge Street? Oh my God – HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLENNNNNNNNNN…!!!”

Ten years later, Blackwell is driving the same bus route... and has a spooky encounter... with that very same black tour jacket (with detachable sleeves).

18. Crash Test Dummies - Mmm Mmm Mmm (From 'God Shuffled His Feet'.)

Once, there was this kid who got into an accident and couldn't come to school...

A true outcast's love story... and it all begins with a car crash. The boy was OK though - he was a Crash Test Dummy.

17. Ferlin Husky - The Drunk Driver (From 'Ferlin Huskey'.)

The maudlin and moralistic story of two small children killed by a drunk driver... with an awful twist.

This one will either break your heart or crack your funny bone.

Also by the same artist: I Dug My Daddy's Grave, Draggin' The River, Born To Lose (you get the picture)...

16. The Candyskins - Car Crash (From 'Sunday Morning Fever'.)

Britpop also-rans who broke up in 1998... have amazingly got back together. It seems there's even money in the reunion circuit for bands nobody can remember. Good on 'em.

15. Eminem - Stan (From 'Curtain Call - The Hits'.)

You know, the one with Dido wailing about her tea going cold. You may not remember, but it ends with Stan sticking his girlfriend in the boot of his car and driving it off a bridge. Like so many Eminem songs do.

14. Suede - Daddy's Speeding (From 'Dog Man Star'.)

Bret Anderson muses on how James Dean's car crash granted him immortality...

Whiplash caught the silver son
Took the film to No. I
Crashed the car and left us here
Broken glass for teenage boys trapped in steel and celluloid
Crashed the car and left us here.

13. Meat Loaf - Objects In The Rear View Mirror (From 'Bat Out of Hell Vol.2: Back Into Hell'.)

You'd be forgiven for thinking that every Jim Steinman song involves a car crash of some kind. Bat Out Of Hell has been described as "the ultimate car crash song" but much as I love that record (and I love it more than is healthy for a 39 year-old man), Objects... seems even more focused on the tragedy of a "fatac". Whereas BooH escapes the crash - and Hell itself - on a silver Black Phantom bike, Objects... stays with the accident, the death of Meat Loaf's teenage friend Kenny ("Oh my god, they killed..." etc.) and the way it's haunted him throughout his life.

There are times I think I see him peeling out of the dark
I think he's right behind me now and he's gaining ground

The video was directed by Michael Bay. Because, damn, who else could do this song justice?

12. Twinkle - Terry (From 'Golden Lights: Special Edition'.)

Though there has been much death and destruction in this list so far, this is the first actual death disc, an actual genre in its own right back in the 50s and 60s, wherein teenage girl (and occasionally boy) singers told tragic tales of young love cut short by driving too fast without paying due care and attention to the road.

I guess nobody ever took heed of the message in these songs because they just kept happening... as you'll see below.

11. Radiohead - Airbag (From 'OK Computer'.)

One of my absolute faves from grumpy Thom and the gang.

In a fast german car
I'm amazed that I survived
An airbag saved my life

10. Jan & Dean - Dead Man's Curve (From 'The Very Best Of Jan & Dean'.)

Every other early Beach Boys song was about coasting round town in your dad's character with a surfboard on the roof and bird-dogging chicks. Over on the other side of town, Jan & Dean were driving their cars a little more recklessly...

Won't come back from Dead Man's Curve...

9. Bruce Springsteen - Wreck On The Highway (From 'The River'.)

Another artist who spends much of his time writing car songs, so you'd imagine we'd come across more pile-ups in his repertoire than we actually do. Where many of the records on this list go for melodrama, Bruce strips away the pomp to give us a more personal reaction...

An ambulance finally came and took him to Riverside
I watched as they drove him away
And I thought of a girlfriend or a young wife
And a state trooper knocking in the middle of the night
To say your baby died in a wreck on the highway

Special mention must go to another Bruce song, Cadillac Ranch, dedicated to the place where smart wrecks go when they die...

8. Pearl Jam - Last Kiss (From 'Rearview Mirror: The Best of Pearl Jam'.)

Another death disc, originally recorded by Wayne Cochran back in 1961. I'm not a huge Pearl Jam fan, but this may well be Eddie Vedder's finest moment.

7. The Hours - Car Crash (From 'See The Light'.)

Me and you were just a car crash, baby
Everybody slowed down to take a look

The Hours - criminally ignored songwriters.

6. Black Box Recorder - Girl Singing In The Wreckage (From 'England Made Me'.)

Sarah Nixey crashes with her boyfriend on the way back from a New Year's party and gets stuck there for hour after hour after hour... or does she? It's a Luke Haines song, so who knows if she's telling the truth?

5. Ricky Valance - Tell Laura I Love Her (From 'The Very Best of Ricky Valance'.)

One of the all-time classic death discs ('bom bom bom bom'), originally recorded by Ray Peterson ('bom bom bom bom') though it was Ricky Valance who took it to Number One in the UK ('bom bom bom bom'). Tommy enters a stock car race to win money for his bride to be, loses his life in a crash, then comes back to haunt Laura forever, thereby ensuring her misery...

4. Dave Edmunds - Crawling From The Wreckage (From 'The Many Sides Of Dave Edmunds: The Greatest Hits And More'.)

It's a Graham Parker song, but the Dave Edmunds version was always mine. Despite the fact that "bits of me are scattered in the trees and on the hedges", the narrator of this song refuses to let one little accident prevent him "crawling from the wreckage... and into a brand new car". I hope he has good car insurance.

3. Shangri-Las - Leader Of The Pack (From 'The Best Of'.)

I love the Shangri-Las. So many of their songs end in teenage tragedy. Though this is their most famous record, there's similar automotive disaster in their Give Us Your Blessings, a song so woeful it makes Leader Of The Pack sound like an uplifting Jackanory story.

Sadly I can't listen to Leader Of The Pack anymore without hearing Julian Clary's spoof version, from his old identity as The Joan Collins Fanclub.

"Julian - is that Jimmy's ring you're wearing?"


No, it's not, it's my ring.


"Gee, it must be great riding with him... is he picking you up after school today?"


No, I don't go to school anymore - I'm 28 now.


Watch out for that great big lorry, Jimmy...
Oh... too late.

This wasn't actually the first Leader Of The Pack parody. Back in the 60s, The Detergents gave us the other side of the story... The Leader Of The Laundromat. (You'll have to hunt that one down yourself.)

2. The Primitives - Crash (From 'Best Of'.)

Another band back on the reunion circuit after nearly 20 years in retirement. Hope Tracy Tracy's vocal chords are still up for it.

Hands up if you thought this would be Number One?

Good guess... but look what you forgot...

1. The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out (From 'The Queen Is Dead'.)

It could only be Morrissey & Marr's finest moment. The song that finally convinced me to love the Smiths. I haven't ever looked back.

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us...
To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us
To die by your side - well, the pleasure and the privilege is mine

But... lest you feeling I'm celebrating the car crash, I'll let the final word go to Tony Christie...

Drive safely darlin',
There's a long long road ahead,
And the weatherman says the freezing rain may turn to snow,
Mind how you go,
Drive safely darlin'
Mind how you go,
Drive safely darlin'

Do please take care on the roads… I need every reader I can get!

(Lyrics used for review purposes only. Copyright the respective songwriters. Removable on request.)

Started Early, Took My Dog

I've not been watching the new Case Studies TV series starring Jason Isaacs as Kate Atkinson's accidental detective Jackson Brodie... mainly because I enjoy the books so much, and couldn't imagine the most successful elements of Atkinson's writing translating well to TV. Unlike the majority of TV shows adapted from crime novels, Atkinson's stories are never about the plot. They're about character, about history, and about writing.

Take her latest, with the sublime title of Started Early, Took My Dog. There is plot here. A mystery gradually unfolds about a crime that took place many years earlier. Jackson's been hired to trace the parentage of a New Zealand woman who was adopted as a child, and his investigations lead him back to his home city of Leeds. Adoption is a recurring theme - another character, a former policewoman called Tracy, buys a child from a local prostitute to give the little girl a better future, while even Jackson becomes an adoptive parent, of sorts, when he liberates a small dog from its thuggish owner (the dog later repays Jackson by saving his life). As with all great mystery novels, there's twists and misdirection aplenty. There's also - typical of Atkinson, though anathema to many thriller writers - huge dollops of coincidence and serendipty. Yet none of this is all that important. It's all about the writing.

Atkinson writes wonderfully chatty, meandering prose that feels at times like being caught on a bus with an old woman nattering away in the seat beside you. Yet there's so much truth contained within her stories - the kind of everyday details that grant us keen insight into the characters she creates, and make the world they inhabit as real as the one outside your window. And she's given us a unique hero in Jackson Brodie. More than just a reluctant detective, in many ways he's a reluctant human being. He wanders round the country making little effort to solve the mysteries he's presented with, stumbling across clues, very occasionally connecting with someone else (but usually ending up disappointed), living out of Holiday Inns and B&Bs, getting into scrapes, eventually coming up with answers. At least now he's got a dog to keep him company...

Say No To Bono

Here's the opening track to the new Readers' Wives album (remember, the positioning of that apostrophe is all important), Rachel's Apartment. It's got a harder edge than some of their previous material, but the album itself offers a nice variety of lyrically intriguing songs from one of Ireland's best contemporary rock exports. But don't take my word for it - you can download the whole album for free, direct from the Readers' Wives themselves, if you click this link before the end of June. Go on, give it a listen, and help spread the word.



My favourite band of the 21st century is back again - having previously delivered my favourite albums of 2008 and 2010, can The Indelicates make it a hat trick? Only time will tell, but they're venturing into murkier waters this time round with... dare I say it... a concept album! David Koresh: Superstar is a full on musical extravaganza based on the infamous Waco Siege of 1993, "a bitter cocktail of rebel country disco rock opera" featuring guest appearances from David Devant & His Spirit Wife, Jim Bob of Carter USM, Philip Jeays, Lily Rae and "a full Greek chorus of strapping Camdenite youth". Watch the promo film here, or play the opening single, I Am Koresh, below. Then pop over to the Corporate Records website to download the full album, and pay whatever you think it's worth.



The Lancashire Hotpots are driving down to Glastonbury this weekend to promote their new album, Achtung Gravy. They're playing the Croissant Neuf stage at the same time a bunch of narcissistic hacks are headlining the Pyramid. As a result, the Hotpots have established a Say No To Bono campaign which I wholeheartedly endorse... if you happen to be on your way to Worthy Farm this weekend, I hope you'll give them your support.

Achtung Gravy is released June 27th.

Buddy Miller is a veteran Nashville singer songwriter who's worked with Steve Earle, Emmylou Harris, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss and many others. I'll be damned if this track from his 2004 album Universal United House of Prayerdoesn't make me think of ex-Del Amitri man Justin Currie. Yes, it's that good.



Finally, here's a great song from the late Warren Zevon. Reminds me of a character we used to have on our Saturday morning radio show... 20+ years ago now (is it really that long?) The character was a rubbish magician called Bald Daniels. You can guess the rest...

I can saw a woman in two
But you won't want to look in the box when I'm through
I can make a love disappear
For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer...

(From 'Life'll Kill Ya'.)

Colin

This is Colin. Colin joins us for breakfast most mornings just after 6am. He climbs up the bird-feeder, eats a few pawfuls of seeds as an aperitif, then sits back and pulls the nut-feeder towards him for the main course. He chews the nuts through the wire squares till they're small enough to fit through the gaps into his mouth. Occasionally a magpie or wood pigeon will try to scare him off, but Colin has no time for stoopid birds. He's a squirrel with a mission. When he's had his fill, he slides back down the bat pole and disappears off into the woods. It's the same story almost every weekday... but on Saturdays, Colin has a lie in. He doesn't arrive for breakfast until after 9am. Lazy little bugger!

Clarence

When the change was made uptown
And the big man joined the band
From the coastline to the city
All the little pretties raise their hands

It's a much maligned instrument, the saxophone. Too often, especially in the 80s, it was used to add a noodling jazz instrumental break to ramp up the "class" on a soul or AOR hit. Many people, when they think of the sax, think of Careless Whisper, the intro to Baker Street (by Not-Bob-Holness), Zoot from the Muppet Show... or John Thompson's Jazz Club "nice".

Clarence Clemons played a different instrument entirely. In his hands, the saxophone was a weapon. It was a siren. It a scream of rage and triumph, of desperation and joy. That sax was crucial to the sound, and the success, of the E Street Band, and they'll never sound the same without him.

Rest easy, big man. Thanks for the music.

The local nutter thinks I'm sleeping with his girlfriend...

...or his ex-girlfriend, to be precise.

So a couple of weeks back, just after we returned from our holiday in Kefalonia, we were sat watching TV just before 10pm on Sunday night when the nutter walked past our window. The path on the front of our terrace is used for access only through the front gardens of the five houses on our row. It doesn't go anywhere else and the only person who uses it, apart from our neighbours (very occasionally), is the postman. So when we see a shuffling loon go by during Cranford (not that either of us watch Cranford, or would be aware if it was actually on that night) our suspicions are naturally raised.

Next thing we know, he's knocking on the door. Or hammering might be the more accurate term. I go to greet him with a smile...

"Can I help you?"

"Is your dad in?"

"No, sorry, I think you've got the wrong house. My dad doesn't live here, he lives over in Slawit."

But that isn't enough to satisfy the nutter. The nutter is insistent.

"Older bloke, dark curly hair, I saw him here last week."

"OK. 1) Yes, my dad's older than me, well done. 2) He hardly has any hair, he's in his 80s and balding. 3) You didn't see him here last week. You didn't see anybody here last week because we've just got back from our holidays."

"Are you sure it wasn't you?"

You can ask your own questions about this particular switch in tactics. Either he's looking someone older than me with curly hair you're looking for... or it's me. If he doesn't even know that...! And secondly, "who the hell are you and why do you think I have to answer your questions anyway, you overly aggressive simpleton?"

This conversation may have continued indefinitely ("Was it Harrison Ford?" "Are you sure it wasn't a gorilla?" "I definitely met Fidel Castro, here, in this house, last Thursday night at 9 and we played draughts. He won me two nil." etc...) but then Louise appeared and told the nutter, "thank you, goodnight" and slammed the door on his stupid face. The nutter eventually buggered off, and we hoped we'd seen the last of him.

Wednesday evening this week, he was back. He walked past our front window again, on his mobile phone, staring in at us. He didn't knock on the door this time, but a couple of minutes later he came back the other way. Then he disappeared...

...until the following morning. I'd already left for work when, at about 8am, he came knocking again. Turns out he'd been waiting outside since 6am - waiting for me to leave - so that he could confront Louise on her own... and tell her...

"I thought you should know. Your partner's sleeping with my ex-girlfriend."

Louise tried her best to explain that this was highly unlikely since I rarely leave the house except to go to work, but the nutter had been doing his detective work and put together an air-tight case.

"My mate told me he lives on this road, he's got dark curly hair, he goes walking his dog up past my ex's place all the time, he drives a black Fiat, and he works just behind the school."

Oh, well, in the face of such incontrovertible evidence, I give up. It's a fair cop. Sorry, Louise it must have been me all along. Wait... hang on a minute!

Furious by now, Louise went to great pains to point out that a) my hair isn't curly, it's quiffed; b) we don't have a dog, we have three cats; c) I don't drive a black Fiat, I drive a silver Toyota; and d) I work in Bradford - 20 miles away from "behind the school"!

Eventually the nutter went away and Louise called the police. As he'd been kind enough to leave his name, she passed that on. Apparently he's "known to them", though they wouldn't elaborate on what that actually meant.

Now I've written this up in quite a light-hearted fashion but I'm actually quite angry. No, scratch that, I'm furious. I'm just hoping this is the end of it and the last we'll see of him.

I'll keep you informed...

Top Twenty Chicken Songs

I feel like chicken tonight, chicken tonight, chicken tonight...

20. Spitting Image - The Chicken Song

Gotta kick off with the obvious one. To 14 year old Rol, the Spitting Image Chicken Song was the height of hilarity. There's a certain irony that a sketch spoofing dreadful summer novelty records could spawn a Number One hit.

Put a deckchair up your nose...

(From 'Spit In Your Ear'.)

19. The Cramps - Chicken

You know I'm quickin' when I'm pickin' all the chicken

Greasy swamp rock of the highest calibre.

(From 'A Date With Elvis'.)

18. Paul Heaton - Little Red Rooster

Not to be confused with a certain other small crimson cockerel we'll meet further down the list...

(From 'The Cross Eyed Rambler'.)

17. Soho - Hippy Chick

Weird indie-dance hybrid from the early 90s which had the temerity to sample Johnny Marr's incredible guitar sound from How Soon Is Now. I hated it at the time, but find it weirdly nostalgic now.

(From 'Goddess'.)

16. The Moldy Peaches - Steak For Chicken

Humorous - if explicit - lyrics from Kimya Dawson and Adam Green (who we'll get back to shortly).

(From 'The Moldy Peaches'.)

15. Paul Weller - Peacock Suit

Not strictly a chicken, but one of Weller's better post-Jam sandwiches, so we'll let it sneak in the back of the henhouse.

(From 'Modern Classics - The Greatest Hits'.)

14. An April March - Chick Habit

60s curio revived by Quentin Tarantino for the movie Death Proof. Be cool.

(From 'Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof OST'.)

13. John Cooper Clarke - Evidently Chickentown

Punk poetry that elevates the use of the f-word to an art form. Or the word "bloody" if you hunt down the censored 12a version which appears to be polluting youtube.

(From 'Word Of Mouth - The Very Best Of John Cooper Clarke'.)

12. Evelyn Evelyn - Chicken Man

Surreal Vaudevillian romp from the conjoined Evelyn sisters (or Jason Webley and Amanda Palmer).

(From 'Evelyn Evelyn'.)

11. Monkey Swallows The Universe - Chicken Fat Waltz

Tragically short-lived folk-pop combo from Sheffield drop this tender ode to shyness...

I time my day and plan my route for a glimpse of your shoes
But I do not see if you see me
I stare at the floor as you move through the door


And on my way each day I think of all the things I could say
To make you see how nice I can be
But then you come my way and I’ve nothing to say


And you could have anyone, anyone, honey
You’ll probably have everyone, everyone, honey
While I dream of only one, only one, only one

(From 'The Casket Letters'.)

10. Supergrass - Mansize Rooster

In which the three cheeky chimps from Oxford climb into a bathtub together, naked. Bet they hated the director of that video.

(From 'I Should Coco'.)

9. Adam Green - Choke On A Cock

Watching Springwatch this week, seeing all those little chicks with their mouths open wide, waiting for mum to bring them food... which, in many case, turns out to be the chicks of smaller birds further down the food chain... I started to wonder if that's what inspired this particular number from Adam Green.

Hmmm... perhaps not. Still, it does give me an excuse to plug this tasty variety of soup, available now from your local Asda.

No, I wasn't paid for promoting that.

(From 'Gemstones'.)

8. Rufus Thomas - Do The Funky Chicken

Did Rufus Thomas look back on his career and regret that the song he became most famous for involved a funky chicken? Or that he helped inspire the Goodies...?

Considering his other hits included Walking The Dog, Can Your Monkey Do The Dog? and Do The Funky Penguin... probably not.

(From 'The Very Best Of Rufus Thomas'.)

7. Mansun - Take It Easy, Chicken

Their debut single, from 1996, featuring the kind of lyrics you imagine David Bowie snipping out of a newspaper and patching together with Pritt Stick.

(From 'Legacy: The Best Of Mansun'.)

6. Magnetic Fields - A Chicken With Its Head Cut Off

Well my heart's runnin' round like a chicken with its head cut off
All around the barn yard falling in and out of love
Poor thing's blind as a bat
Gettin' up, fallin' down, gettin' up
Who'd fall in love with a chicken with its head cut off?

Also contains the sung refrain "woah, nelly!" which only Stephin Merrit (or maybe Neil Hannon) could pull off.

(From the excellent '69 Love Songs'.)

5. Louis Jordan & His Timpany Five - There Ain't Nobody Here But Us Chickens

Originally recorded in 1946 and still causing a commotion in the chicken coop today.

(From 'The Best of Louis Jordan'.)

4. Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster - Chicken

The video involves the band being strung up on meathooks by a bunch of chicken-plucking rednecks straight out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre...

...which might explain why we've heard little from the Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster since.

(From 'Horse Of The Dog'.)

3. The Bees - Chicken Payback

The Bees' greatest moment. Despite google throwing up "The Bees Chicken Payback Lyrics Meaning" as a search suggestion, the internet was unable to tell me (a) what the heck this song is about or (b) what the heck the Bees were on when they recorded it.

(From 'Free the Bees'.)

2. The Rolling Stones - Little Red Rooster

Originally recorded by Howling Wolf in 1961, though it traces its roots back to the 20s and 30s. Sam Cooke also does an excellent version, but Mick's cocky, sleazy interpretation is probably most famous.

(From 'The Rolling Stones Singles Collection - The London Years'.)

1. John Grant - Chicken Bones

From one of the best albums of last year (its absence from my own Best of 2010 list can only be explained by the fact that I didn't hear it till 2011). The video features a down-at-heel superhero turning to the dark side. Worth a click if you have a spare five minutes, this is a great song to sing along to if you're having one of those days...



(From 'Queen Of Denmark'.)

Dare you suggest a favourite... or a noteworthy omission... OR... are you chicken?