Sunday, 31 July 2011

The Fifteen Movie Questions Meme


Stolen from Sunday Stealing...

1. Movie you love with a passion.

The Big Lebowski.

2. Movie you vow to never watch.

Larry Crowne. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts? Could it get any worse.

3. Movie that literally left you speechless.

Forrest Gump. (And not in a good way.)

4. Movie you always recommend.

The Big Lebowski.

5. Actor/actress you always watch, no matter how crappy the movie.

Bruce Willis. (And he has been in some crappy movies.)

6. Actor/actress you don’t get the appeal for.

Tom Hanks.

7. Actor/actress, living or dead, you’d love to meet.

Jeff Bridges.

8. Sexiest actor/actress you’ve seen. (Picture required!)



9. Dream cast.

Jeff Bridges, Kate Winslet, Tom Hanks's corpse.

10. Favorite actor pairing.

Edward Norton and Brad Pitt.

11. Favorite movie setting.

The Overlook Hotel.

12. Favorite decade for movies.

The eighties? (But only because I'm a child of the 80s.)

13. Chick flick or action movie?

Depends, there are plenty of amazing and atrocious examples of each.

14. Hero, villain or anti-hero?

Anti-hero.

15. Black and white or color?

Both.


Friday, 29 July 2011

Friday Flash - Icebreaker


Another unsuccessful competition entry this week, the challenge being to write a murder / mystery story set in my local area, in under 2500 words. Just squeaked it.


Icebreaker


It’s the middle of November and winter’s drawing in. I’m walking up the lane through the woods at the back of Cragside Farm and there’s ice in the tractor track puddles for the first time this season. I take this route because no one else ever does. The old man rarely leaves the house these days, and any visitors come up the tarmacked drive, through the gates with the CCTV. His son had those cameras fitted; I was here the morning he arrived to supervise. Bossy type, rude even, the way he spoke to that bloke from the security company. I knew not to use the drive again after that. Before then, I might have snuck up that way if it was late and dark and I’d had an especially long day on my feet. It adds another half mile to the journey, taking the back way, but what’s half a mile when you walk as far as I do?

Cragside Farm has been my home for 3 years now. No one knows I live here, but no one particularly cares. If you look at me at all, you probably think I don’t live anywhere. By the true definition of the word, I am homeless. I neither own nor pay rent on my own accommodation. No census or electoral register records my residence. I pay no taxes, utilities, nor anything towards the upkeep of this property. I haven’t even set foot inside the farmhouse itself. I sleep in the barn, the hayloft that’s still stacked with bales even though the old man sold off the last of his cattle in the summer. I worried he might sell the hay too, but nobody wants these old, square bales anymore. Nowadays they want huge, round, wrapped in plastic bales that’ll feed a herd for a couple of days and don’t have to be lifted by hand, the twine cutting into your palms, the dust coating your throat as you break them and shake them in the hay racks. I know all about that. I grew up on a farm just over the Pennines. How I got from there to here, that’s a story I prefer not to think about anymore. Thinking won’t fix it.

Even with the shelter of the trees, the wind cuts through me. There’s nothing beyond Cragside Farm but the moors of Marsden and Saddleworth. The rocky summit of West Nab standing vigil over Meltham and Huddersfield, staring out across to Bradford in the north and Leeds in the east. I couldn’t live in a city. I only ever walk as far as Huddersfield, find a busy corner to lay my cap down, hope I make enough to feed myself on the walk home.

It’s dark by the time I reach the barn. Across in the house, the old man’s already hunkered down in front of his TV. I’ll join him soon. First I climb into the loft and set out my evening meal. A stale sausage roll and half a Cornish pasty I salvaged from the bins round the back of Greggs; part of a ham sandwich someone left on the wall by the canal (for the ducks?); a bruised apple and a brown banana from the fruit stall on the indoor market. I usually eat better than this but I’m saving my money for when it’s too cold to sit around on street corners. I made almost five pounds today, spent just twenty pence. The rest goes in my stash for a rainy day, or a snowy day, or a day even icier than this one. They’re coming.

After tea, I retrieve my blanket from its hiding place under the loose hay and head back outside. My watch stopped working last year but I have a pretty good sense of time. NCIS will be starting any minute. It’s LA tonight. We like the acronym shows, me and the old man. CSI, SVU, even the old NYPD Blue repeats, we watch them all. Him from his armchair by the fire, me from the holly bush in his overgrown back garden. It’s one of those bushes you can climb right inside (if you don’t mind a few scratches) and there’s a big hollow space waiting to welcome you. When I was a kid, I’d have made a den here. Did I ever grow up? There’s a good view of the TV, anyway, and I can just make out the subtitles. The old man’s half deaf; he always turns on the subtitles.

So we watch our shows, NCIS followed by a CSI double bill. He doesn’t move from his chair, I don’t move from the bush. The wind carries the drone of cars climbing the hill towards West Nab. They sound so much closer than usual. Occasionally I even think I hear one approaching, but I see no lights through the trees and I know it’s just my imagination. I return to Miami. Horatio cracks the case, makes a subtitled quip, puts his sunglasses on and heads off down the boardwalk. There’s lots to be said for watching shows set in the sunshine state when it’s too cold to feel your fingertips. Even the fire in the living room has died down to embers, and finally the old man gets up from his chair, switches off the TV, and heads upstairs. I wish him goodnight and retire to the barn. Still wrapped in my blanket, I crawl deep into the stack of loose hay till all but my face is covered and fall asleep in seconds. It’s been a long day.


* * *


I wake to the crackle of a police radio. I’ve been moved on enough to recognise that noise as a threat. I go quickly to the boarded up window. There’s a gap in the boards when I can see out into the yard. Two police cars, an ambulance, and a muddy Range Rover I recognise as belonging to the old man’s son. Another car, an Audi, is just pulling up. Probably CID. I should be relieved: they wouldn’t come in such force just to move me on. I should make myself scarce, but morbid curiosity gets the best of me.

I climb down the ladder and cross to the front of the barn. There’s another window here, also boarded, except for the very bottom pane which still has its glass. Frosted outside, cobwebbed inside, but I can just make out two figures in the yard beyond. The younger is male, uniformed, probably the source of the radio crackle that awoke me. The other is a woman, late thirties, red hair and rectangular spectacles. I’d call her attractive if I allowed myself to think that way anymore.

“Bit of a wasted journey for you, Inspector. Pretty certain it was an accident.”

“What was he doing up there?” The woman’s looking up at the roof of the farmhouse, then her face drops slowly to the yard.

“Problems with his TV aerial. We spoke with his son – it was him what found him, first thing. Terrible that, finding your dad sprawled out in the yard, stiff as a board – I mean, frozen, like, not just the rigor…”

“Why was he here? The son? Does he often visit so early in the morning?”

“On his way to work, like. Apparently the old fella rang him last night complaining about the reception – couldn’t get any of his programmes. On about going up on the roof and fixing the aerial himself, but Mr. Armitage - the son, I mean - he thought he’d persuaded his dad to wait till morning. Guess he just didn’t want to miss the snooker.”

I go cold inside, colder than I felt in the holly bush last night while I watched three crime scene dramas back-to-back with a man whose TV was apparently on the blink. A man who never once got up to make a phone call (it’s out in the hall, I’ve never seen him use a mobile or cordless). I’ve watched enough detective shows to know something’s not right… but what can I do about it?

“Higgins versus Murphy, ma’am. Blinder, down to the very last frame. Don’t suppose you…?”

A third voice interrupts the post-snooker commentary, shouting “officer!” from across the yard. The inspector turns and I follow her gaze. I recognise my suspect immediately.

“This is Mr. Armitage now, ma’am. Mr. Armitage, this is Detective Inspector Silver—“

The inspector tells the son she’s sorry for his loss and Armitage’s face flashes a brief, humourless smile. Whatever he says now will be a lie. I know it, but how could I ever prove it?

“I’ve been going over the CCTV. I know what it looks like, but I just wanted to be sure…” He pauses and stares straight through the dirty, frosted window. I step back, suddenly afraid. Can he see me? Does he know I’m here? That I stay here every night? What if those cameras on the gate weren’t the only ones he had installed? What if he has me on film, coming and going from the barn, climbing into the holly bush, watching…

Watching…

Just like three years ago last summer. I spent my evenings on the rec’, watching the birds. There were always kids around, mucking about. Playing football, riding their bikes, smoking and swearing. I didn’t think anything of it. This was Delph, a little village just over the hills. I’d lived there most of my life. As a kid, on my dad’s farm, and then, when I was older and my brothers proved more agriculturally-minded than me, in a poky terrace in the village. I designed websites, kept myself to myself, never had a girlfriend or went out drinking, but I liked to walk down on the rec’, on a summer night, to sit and watch the swallows darting low to catch flies, or the blackbirds bobbing around on the ground, digging for worms. Sparrows, blue tits, magpies, the occasional chaffinch or peewit… until one night I found the little girl.

“Wanted to be certain,” the son continues, his eyes returning to the inspector, “that no one else… I mean, you tell yourself it was just an accident, that the silly old fool just couldn’t wait till morning… but I always worried about him, out here on his own. That’s why I had them cameras fitted in the first place. You hear such horrible things…”

“We’ll need to examine that footage ourselves,” says the inspector, and Armitage nods, his mouth a thin, tight line.

“Of course, of course… but there’s nothing… He was alone all night. No one else comes up the drive till my own Range Rover, first thing. I had to be sure, you understand. That there wasn’t any kind of… foul play. Bad enough knowing he might still be alive if I’d come round last night… but I was so tired, I’d had such a long day…”

The inspector tells him not to blame himself, but I’m thinking about the phone call. The one the old man supposedly made to report his faulty TV. The phone records, I think, the police can trace any calls made to and from this house last night, I’ve seen it done a thousand times on TV. They can prove no such call was ever made… but then I think of the CCTV, and I realise how long the son’s been planning this…

He must have been here, I realise, long before his father retired for the night. Early enough to place that call himself, from out in the hall where he knew his father wouldn’t ever hear. Some accomplice – his wife, perhaps, or a friend he’s cut in for a profit once he sells the farm –lice – his wife, perhaps, or a friend he’s cut in for a profit once he sells the farm – was waiting at home to answer. Or maybe he just had an answerphone set up. It wouldn’t matter, as long as the records showed a call from here to there last night, long enough to complain about bad TV reception. But I know he’s lying. I know the old man didn’t leave his armchair from the start of NCIS to the end of CSI. I’m a witness – if not to the actual crime, then at least to the fabrication of Armitage’s alibi. But he’s a grieving son who’s just lost his father… and I’m a homeless beggar hiding out in the barn. A homeless beggar who the police already have on record…

I found her body in a scrappy patch of dock leaves at the corner of the playing fields. I thought she might be still alive, despite all the blood. I picked her up and carried her to the nearest house. I should have just left her. The police came, and her blood was on me. Nobody knew what had happened. She’d been missing all afternoon. Her parents were frantic. They took me in for questioning. I tried to tell them, I’d just been watching the birds. They broke into my house, found the porn on my computer. I was a twenty-eight year old man without a girlfriend. It was nothing sick or perverted, not kids or S&M or... I shouldn’t have had to defend myself. I shouldn’t have felt so ashamed. They made me feel that way. They wanted me to confess.

The case fell apart. Someone had seen me at home when the girl went missing. The DNA evidence didn’t tally. The police lost interest and let me go. It didn’t matter. The damage was done. The stares, the whispers, the mothers pulling their children hastily away as I walked down the street. Even my own family… I left Delph three weeks later. Walked away from it all: my home, my job, my life. Been walking ever since.

I’m walking again now. I sneaked out the barn and up through the winter-dead brambles to the track I came in on. There was no point staying. I’ve watched enough of those shows to know that without actual, physical evidence, it’s going to be my word against Armitage’s. There’s nothing I can do for the old man now, and there’s no home here for me anymore. I’m carrying the few belongings I kept stashed in his barn. My blanket, my flashlight, my meagre savings in an old tobacco tin…

When I stumble, the tin goes flying. I stoop to pick it up from amid the smashed ice. The ice that’s been smashed by tyre tracks. Big, heavy tyre tracks that weren’t here last night… when the ice was fresh. Not tractor tracks though…

Suddenly I remember the sound of the approaching engine while Horatio did his thing and the muddy wheel arches on the son’s Range Rover, which he went out of his way to prove never came here last night… and then I know. I have to go back.


Thursday, 28 July 2011

Top Twenty-Five Unemployed Songs


Who knew there were this many great songs about not having a job?

On second thoughts, it makes perfect sense. Bunch of unemployable bums, musicians, the lot of 'em!


25. The La's - Doledrum

(From 'The La's'.)

Lee Mavers and co. recorded one album in 1990, promptly disowned it, then spent the following 21 years "on hiatus". Talk about "difficult second album syndrome".

All my life goes by in Doledrum
I'll see ninety-five in Doledrum
What kind of work ethic is that?

24. Bob Dylan - Ballad Of Hollis Brown

(From 'The Times They Are A-Changin'.)

Hollis Brown looked for work and money and walked a rugged mile. He didn't find either, but he did find a shotgun...

The Job Centre expect me to travel at least twenty miles in search of a job. I blame Hollis Brown.

23. Simply Red - Money's Too Tight To Mention

(From 'Picture Book'.)

Treasure this moment, it's probably the first, last and only time you'll ever see a Simply Red song in one of my mixtapes.

Here, Mick Hucknall has been laid off from work, his kids all need shoes, and the bank don't want to know. I might sympathise... if he wasn't Mick Hucknall.

22. Manic Street Preachers - I'm Not Working

(From 'This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours'.)

When James Dean Bradfield can't find gainful employment, he goes a little bit loopy.
Sweating out intelligence
Like I don't know what it is
Clinging to the microwaves
And singing with the soundwaves
He should start writing a blog. That'd keep him off the streets.

21. Billy Bragg & The Imagined Village - Hard Times Of Old England (Retold)

(From 'The Imagined Village'.)

Billy and co. update this traditional folk song, dedicating it to unemployed farmers across the country...
Time was, I could sell what I grew in the shop.
Then Tesco's turned up all of that had to stop.
Now I can't make a living out of my crop.
Singing, oh, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.

20. Woody Guthrie - I Ain't Got No Home In This World Anymore

(From 'The Ultimate Collection'.)

And things were even harder for the unemployed before the days of the welfare state...
I mined in your mines and I gathered in your corn
I been working, mister, since the day I was born
Now I worry all the time like I never did before
'Cause I ain't got no home in this world anymore
19. The Slackers - Every Day Is Sunday

(From 'Self Medication'.)

Not the Morrissey classic about winning yourself a cheap tray... but an ode to unemployment from a bunch of slackers... who you'd probably expect to enjoy unemployment a little more than they do.
Everyday is Sunday
When you're unemployed
Sounds pretty good man
I should be overjoyed

Every day is Sunday
Every day is Sunday
Every day is Sunday
Friday never comes

Do you think I should write a novel?
Maybe write some songs?
I'll show you I'm the genius
You thought I was all along

18. Beck - Soul Suckin' Jerk

(From 'Mellow Gold'.)

Beck quits his job at the fried chicken place and burns his uniform in celebration. It's all downhill from there.

17. John Cougar Mellencamp - Rain On The Scarecrow

(From 'Scarecrow'.)

More farmers forced to sell their farms when the bank forecloses, from another artist who owes his entire career to Woody Guthrie. And, as so often in these stories, it all ends with rain on the scarecrow... and blood on the plough.

16. Eminem - Rock Bottom

(From 'The Slim Shady LP'.)

Eminem works minimum wage, gets hired and fired a lot, and can't afford new nappies for his daughter. (Or diapers, if you insist, Marshall.)

Still... would you give this man a job?

15. Kenickie - Disco Christmas On The Dole 

(Hidden track from 'Get In'.)

The irony being that by the time the second Kenickie album hit the shops, most of the band were on the dole. At least Lauren Laverne went on to find alternative employment.


(See also the completely unrelated Spitting Image single Santa Claus In On The Dole.)

14. The Go-Betweens - Draining The Pool For You

(From 'Bellavista Terrace: The Best of the Go-Betweens'.)
I got hired but I got tired of draining the pool for you.
I got tired but not so blue,
To see the cracks in you.
I got hired against my wish,
With better prospects, after this.
I can think of worse resignation letters you could write... this should probably have made last week's list though.

13. Alex Chilton - Lost My Job

(From 'Top 30'.)

Alex Chilton loses his job and treats it as an excuse to stay out all night and sleep all day. I'm too old for all that. Then again, so was he.

12. Townes Van Zandt - Marie

(From 'Be Here To Love Me'.)
I stood in line and left my name
Took about six hours or so...

Unemployment said I got no more cheques
And they showed me to the hall
A familiar story for anyone who's ever spent any time down the Bob-a-Job Centre.

Smart Alec remarks aside, this is one of the saddest songs ever written. Poor little Marie.

11. The Libertines - Love On The Dole

If ever there was a rock star who epitomised what we might call "dole scum chic", it's Pete Doherty. This song was named after the Walter Greenwood novel, adapted into a film in 1941 starring Deborah Kerr as Waynetta Slob.

10. Thea Gilmore - Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?

(From 'Loft Music'.)

Written back in the 30s, Yip Harburg's anthem to the Great Depression sends shivers down my spine... especially as sung by the divine Thea Gilmore.

9. The Clash - Career Opportunities

(From 'The Clash'.)

Adrian reminded me of this one after last week's Top Ten 'I Quit!' Songs. Do you want to make tea at the BBC? (Hint: it'll probably be more fulfilling than making the tea at ILR.)

8. Half Man Half Biscuit - Turned Up Clocked On Laid Off

(From 'This Leaden Pall'.)

Was there ever a more accurate description of what it feels like to be laid off...?
Watch out world, I’m a man at ease
Free to do whatever when I want
Lonely heathland here I come
Deathless, useless bracken underfoot
There’s people who can’t spell ‘weird’ right
Driving round with thousands in the bank
But I get by, got a lot on my mind
I get by, got allotments on my mind
7. Ben Folds - Fred Jones Part 2

(From 'Rockin' The Suburbs'.)

Unlike a lot of the people on this list, Fred Jones is actually sad to be losing his job...
Fred sits alone at his desk in the dark
There's an awkward young shadow that waits in the hall
He's cleared all his things and he's put them in boxes
Things that remind him: 'Life has been good'
Twenty-five years
He's worked at the paper
A man's here to take him downstairs
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
It's time
6. The Offspring - Why Don't You Get A Job?

(From 'The Offspring - Greatest Hits'.)

The perils of living with an unemployed girlfriend or girlfriend, along with typically blunt advice on how to deal with them. At least the video gave temporary employment to an entire small town.

5. Luke Haines - Never Work 

(From 'The Oliver Twist Manifesto'.)
Never work in May
Or in the summer time,
We'll call a general strike
For the right to never work
Yeah, I'd like to see how far that attitude gets you when you go sign on, Luke. I doubt singing it in French will help you either.

4. Nina Simone - Ain't Got No / I Got Life

(From 'The Very Best Of Nina Simone'.)

Nina ain't got no home, no shoes, no money, no skirts and no sweater. She does have her tongue, her chin, her neck and her boobies though. I'm not entirely sure what alternate career path she's advising here...

3. Bruce Springsteen - Born In The USA 

(From 'Born In The U.S.A.')

Yes, the most misunderstood song in the history of rock is actually the story of a disgruntled GI returning from Vietnam to find nobody will give him a job.
Come back home to the refinery
Hiring man says, "son, if it were up to me..."
Went down to see my VA man,
He says, "son, don't you understand?"
You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who's written more songs about losing your job, hating your job, not being able to find a new job... or even driving your girlfriend's mum down the unemployment agency.

2. Emiliana Torrini - Unemployed In Summertime

(From 'Love In the Time of Science'.)

You can be far more reckless with your unemployment if you're only 21. Emiliana Torrini doesn't need money because she's young and in love. Aww...

1. Everclear - Unemployed Boyfriend

(From 'Songs From An American Movie, Vol. One: Learning How To Smile'.)

Probably not the song you expected to top this chart (if you've ever even heard of it), but this is one of my favourites from Everclear. It never fails to make me smile.

Ever been chatted up down the Job Centre?



Blimey - 25 songs about unemployment. But which omissions made me fail the interview?


Tuesday, 26 July 2011

What I'm Wearing Today...


So I'm perusing Louise's copy of Marie Claire on the toilet the other night and once I'd finished reading about "Women Obsessed With Every Man They Meet" and "Wedding Night Sex Confessions" (honestly, you women, you're so sex-obsessed!) I stumbled across an interesting article called "I Blogged My Way To Millions - A Guide To Making Your Fortune Online". Well, naturally I was hooked... this could be the answer to all my unemployment woes. I mean, hey, I write a blog anyway... imagine if I could become a millionaire just by doing something I'm already doing!

Unfortunately, many of the ideas for blogging my way to millions were a little out of my league (they involved moving to Hollywood and schmoozing actors or being reborn as someone with a vaguely interesting lifestyle)... but one proved inspirational. Apparently there's this woman in (I can't remember where and Louise has taken the magazine back now) who started a blog which involved nothing more than posting a photo of whatever outfit she was wearing to work that day. Her blog's become such a success she's been able to quit her day job and concentrate 100% of her time to wearing clothes, taking photos of herself wearing clothes, and posting photos of herself wearing clothes online.

Well, two can play at that game, love...



This is what I'm wearing today. Little Lebowski Urban Achievers from Last Exit To Nowhere. Brown cords from... the shop. Slippers.


Here's what I wore yesterday. Incredible Hulk T-shirt from some comic shop that had a sale on. Same brown cords. (Why would I wear a pair of trousers for just 1 day?) Slippers.


Here's what I'll be wearing tomorrow. My new Spidey T-shirt from the cover of Amazing Spider-Man #100, by John Romita Senior. Same brown cords. (What? They won't be dirty yet.) Slippers.


Here's what I'll be wearing on Thursday. Joker T-shirt by Hahahahaha Hooohahahahaha Hehehahahahaa! Same brown cords. (Yes, I do change my underpants daily.) Slippers.


Here's what I'll be wearing on Friday. Except I probably won't because I'm always too scared to wear this T-shirt in public. I bought it from the comedian Mundo Jazz. I'm always worried people won't get the irony and I'll get either beaten up or arrested. Same brown cords (they'll go in the wash on Saturday, all right?) Slippers.


Great stuff - now I'll just sit back and watch the cash roll in! Why didn't I think of this years ago?


Monday, 25 July 2011

I Already Forgot What This Post Was Supposed To Be About



There are three floors in our house. We need a lot of room for all my books, CDs and comics... and all Louise's clothes and shoes. The problem with three floors though is that I find it very difficult carrying a thought up or down two flights of stairs. I can usually remember what I'm doing by the time I reach the middle floor, but another ten steps is more than my failing memory can manage. What did I come down into the kitchen / up into the attic for? Why am I here?

I've never had the best short term memory. Or long term memory. Or any kind of... what was I talking about? Oh, yes. It's getting worse as I gradually slither into middle age though. There's an old Terry Wogan cliche about opening the fridge door and not remembering what you came here to get... and this has become my life.

My solution to not being able to remember anything for longer than a goldfish is to write myself notes. As I type this, I can't see my desk for scraps of paper reminding me to write this week's thoughtballoons script, write a competition entry script for Dave to draw, defrost the tuna for Wednesday night's tea, paint the ceiling in my new "office" (even though I did that last week), compile this week's Top Ten, download some photos from my camera, buy some melt-in-the-middle chocolate puddings and cat biscuits, and finish off the application form for next year's Apprentice (only one of those is a lie). And as soon as those things are done, there'll be a mountain more notes to take their place.

It drives Louise insane that she can't ask me to do something without me jumping up to write it down... but if I don't write it down, it just won't get done. Even on the back of my hand there's faded biro memos reminding me to look for my old CD walkman and see if it still works (for my mum to listen to her talking books on) and check out the graphic novel section in Holmfirth library to see if there's anything worth reviewing for Comics - On The Ration (I tried this, this morning, but couldn't get near the graphic novels for kids on their school holidays - I mean, for god's sake, what do kids want with graphic novels? What is this, the 80s?). I'm getting more and more like Leonard from Memento every day.

I do contend though that, as a writer, I have more things to remember than normal people. On top of all the everyday stuff, story ideas come to me at the worst possible times and if I don't write them down I might lose the one... the breakthrough... the tipping point... the masterpiece that someone finally wants to read. But why do the best ones always come when I'm in the shower?


Friday, 22 July 2011

Friday Flash - 7 Seconds


I haven't run a #fridayflash story for some time, but I found this in my old writing files and thought it'd fit the bill. It was originally written for a competition; the challenge being to write a short story that would fit on the back of a postcard. That doesn't give you a whole lot of time... so that's exactly what the story ended up being about. Not having a whole lot of time...



They say that after decapitation, the head remains conscious for up to 7 seconds. Never thought I’d get the chance to find out. Stuck behind a lorry full of gobstoppers, in a rush to get back to Jo’s, had to risk overtaking on that blind bend. Audi coming the other way. Of course it was an Audi…

They also say that before you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. Waiting for that now, but all I can think is damn, I’ll never get to watch series 6 of House. The DVD arrived in the post this morning. I don't even feel sad, more frustrated – like when you can’t find the end of the sellotape. Expected a bit more drama somehow...

Plenty of drama, that last row with Jo. The things we fight about! The 5 second rule… I picked that toast up in three, it was perfectly good to eat. A few cat hairs weren’t going to kill me. But I hate that the last word I said to her was “off”.

Is 4 roses cheap? All I could afford. Where are they? Over there, past the bike… past the body. Legs still twitching – so it’s not just the head. Glad I can’t see the neck, think I’d puke if I did… wonder how that’d work?

Mum says accidents happen in 3s. Banged my knee on the coffee table this morning - I can still feel the bruise - then sliced my finger, cutting rind off the bacon. I’m all about proving people right today…

That kid in a hoody, stooping to pick up Jo’s flowers! Little git, gonna give ‘em to his girlfriend… least he won’t have to pay 2 quid a rose! Me, I’m waiting on another hoody now – the world’s first. Carrying a scythe, not stealing roses…

Wonder if she’ll remember to put my ashes in a firework like we discussed? ‘Purple Rain’ at the funeral? Give my comic collection to Barnardo’s? Come on… where’s my life-flash? This can’t be all there is. Thirty-three years, there’s got to be… wait, wait – it’s coming. I can see it now… I remember! Yes! My 1st ever--


Thursday, 21 July 2011

Billy Bragg - The Progressive Patriot



"Mixing pop and politics - they ask me what the use is
I offer them embarrassment and my usual excuses..."

Part history of England, part history of popular music and - oh yes, part history of Billy Bragg and the Bragg family... I've never read another rock star autobiography like The Progressive Patriot.

Of course, to refer to this book as an autobiography is as erroneous and misleading as calling Billy Bragg a rock star. Neither is a perfect fit for the title in question, and both are so much more besides.

Anyone who's ever seen Billy Bragg live will be familiar with the story of how as a young man he became politicized on seeing The Clash perform at the Rock Against Racism Carnival Against The Nazis in Victoria Park, Hackney, in April 1978.

"The Clash taught me a valuable lesson that day, which I have in the back of my mind every time I write a song or step out on to a stage: although you can't change the world by singing songs and doing gigs, the things you say and the actions you take can change the perspective of members of the audience..."

"And although the world was just the same as it had always been as I travelled home on the Tube that evening, my view of it had been changed forever."

Another thing you'll know if you've seen the Bard of Barking live any time in the last five years is the anger and revulsion he felt when the far-right British National Party won a dozen seats on his home town council. Much of his work in recent years has been dedicated to defeating the rise of racism across the country, and The Progressive Patriot is a natural extension of that mission. It begins by tracing the multicultural past of Barking itself where Julius Caesar marched his legions in 54 BC, long before the neighbouring town of Londinium was any more than a few shacks. From here, Billy recounts the origins of the Anglo-Saxon people themselves, forging his way through myth and mystery to uncover the truth that history is always written by the victors... and sometimes by the politicians who wish to stay victorious. The idea that there's no such thing as a native Englishman is not an original one, but I've never seen it expressed so clearly or emphatically, though I'm sure there are those who would dispute Billy's version of the tale... just as current BNP leader Nick Griffin once disputed the Holocaust.

One final thing you'll know if you've ever attended a Billy Bragg gig is that he's the first to admit that his fanbase can be divided into two distinct camps. There are those who follow him with fists held high for his strong political stance... and those who merely nod their heads while he's singing There Is Power In A Union and wait patiently for him to get back to the wonderful observational / relationship lyrics of Levi Stubbs' Tears and The Saturday Boy. Though I find myself agreeing with the majority of Billy's politics, I'll always be more comfortable in the latter camp, so I suppose it's natural that the chapters I enjoyed most in The Progressive Patriot were those dealing with music rather than multiculturalism... though the latter seeps naturally into the former throughout. Still, if The Clash politicized young William Bragg, it was Paul Simon who taught him honesty in songwriting...

"I am sitting in the back row of the coach (on a school trip to Belgium) with several boys of my own age. We are out of earshot of teachers and parents. Bored by the flat landscape, we have spent much of the morning kneeling on our seats looking out the back window, waving at passing motorists. We drive onto the car deck of the ferry and park. Another coach pulls up alongside us. It is full of girls who are about our age."

"The girls wave to us. We wave to them. They smile at us. We smile at them. They flirt with us. We act the goat, attempting to conceal our excitement..."

"But suddenly we are across the river. The ferry unloads and the girls are gone. Our sense of enchantment is shattered and we struggle to contain the feelings that our brief encounter has unleashed..."

"I was deeply upset, yet I didn't feel that I could express how I felt - to do so would be to admit that... I liked girls. Turning my face to the window, I realised that I was alone. I couldn't talk to my mates; I couldn't run to my teacher; my parents wouldn't understand. Where could I turn to for comfort?"

"And then this happens: from above my head, a descending guitar line comes tumbling out from a tiny speaker..."

"I am just a poor boy, though my story's seldom told..."

Despite all the passion of Billy's politics, it's this story - and the revelation that New Yorker Paul Simon wrote Homeward Bound late one night "while waiting for the milk train after a gig in Lancashire" - that had the deepest effect on this particular reader. I'm not sure if that makes me shallow... or soppy. Maybe, in the words of Upfield, I've just got a socialism of the heart.




Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Too Much Sex & Violence



Too Much Sex & Violence (TMSAV) is my new comic, scheduled to debut this September. I'm very excited about it - not just because I think it's the best comic I've ever written, but also because I've managed to persuade / bribe / coax / cajole / blackmail / force at gunpoint so many fine artists (some I've never worked with before, some I've not worked with in a long, long time) into drawing it for me. The book is a continuing series set in the northern seaside town of Fathomsby, featuring an outlandish cast that includes dapper gangsters, depressed detectives, paranormal prostitutes, monster DJs, retired superheroes, psychics who know all your most sordid fantasies, nuns with very sharp teeth... lashings of sex and violence. Because these things sell comics. And because I think I can make them interesting... beyond just cheap titillation. We'll see.

To find out more, and discover the stellar array of talent that has agreed to draw this book, click here. Then ask yourself this...

Can you ever really have TOO MUCH Sex & Violence?


Monday, 18 July 2011

Top Ten 'I Quit!' Songs


Specially for Lee at Quit Your Day Job... and anyone who might be considering packing it all in and joining me on the scrap heap / glorious golden road to success and riches (delete as applicable).



10. Elvis Presley - Guitar Man

(From 'The Essential Elvis Presley')

If you're thinking of taking the plunge, Elvis advises caution. Don't jump till you've got somewhere to jump to...

Well, I quit my job down at the car wash
I left my momma a goodbye note
By sundown I'd left Kingston
With my guitar under my coat
I hitchhiked all the way down to Memphis
Got a room at the YMCA
For the next three weeks I went hunting them nightclubs
Looking for a place to play
Well, I thought my pickin' would set 'em on fire
But nobody wanted to hire a guitar man

One of my very favourite Elvis tunes, written by Jerry Reed. There's also a cracking version by The Jesus & Mary Chain from the old NME compilation The Last Temptation Of Elvis.

We don't need no guitar man, son!

9. The Ramones - The Job That Ate My Brain

(From 'The Chrysalis Years Anthology')

You have to wonder what employer in their right mind would give these scruffy toe-rags a job in the first place?

I can't take this crazy pace.
I've become a mental case.
Yeah, this is the job that ate my brain.

8. Tennessee Ernie Ford - Sixteen Tons

(From 'Tennessee Ernie Ford The Greatest Hits & More')

You think your job's bad? You could be loading sixteen tons of coal a day with nothing to show for it but being "another day older and deeper in debt".

The Johnny Cash version is also worth a mention. The Johnny Cash version is always worth a mention.

7. The Enemy - Away From Here

(From 'We'll Live And Die In These Towns')

Does this sound at all familiar to you?

I'm so sick, sick, sick and tired
Of working just to be retired
I don't want to get that far
I don't want your company car
Promotions aint my thing
Name badges are not interesting
It's much easier for me see
To stay at home with Richard and Judy

Fans of The Jam (see below) may answer that it sounds a little too familiar...

6. Drive By Truckers - This F*cking Job

(From 'The Big To-Do')

Well, yes, but there's no need to swear, is there? I'm trying really hard to clean up the language round this blog these days...

Workin' this job is a kick in the pants
Workin' this job is like a knife in the back
It ain't gettin' me further than the dump I live in
It ain't gettin' me further than the next paycheck

5. The Flaming Lips - Bad Days

(From 'Clouds Taste Metallic')

See, if you ask me, the Lips have a rather extreme way of dealing with the problem...

You hate your boss at your job
But in your dreams you can blow his head off
In your dreams, show no mercy!

But only in your dreams, obviously. I'd never condone this course of action in real life. Unless your boss is an absolute...

4. Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett - It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

(From '34 Number Ones')

The sun is hot and that old clock is movin' slow,
An' so am I.
Work day passes like molasses in wintertime,
But it's July.
I'm gettin' paid by the hour, an' older by the minute.
My boss just pushed me over the limit.
I'd like to call him somethin',
I think I'll just call it a day.

The pristine white stetson, the perfectly trimmed moustache... Alan Jackson is probably everything you hate about modern country music, right?

Well, you know what? Stuff you! It's five o'clock somewhere...

3. The Jam - Just Who Is The Five O'Clock Hero?

(From 'The Gift')

Who'd ever have imagined Paul Weller and Alan Jackson would be singing from the same hymn sheet? I guess hating the 9 to 5 really is universal. Hell, just ask Dolly Parton!

It seems a constant struggle just to exist
Scrimping and saving and crossing off lists
From this window I`ve seen the whole world pass
From dawn to dusk I`ve heard the last laugh laughed
I`ve seen enough tears to wash away this street
I`ve heard wedding bells chime and a funeral march
When as one life finishes the other one starts

Alright then love so I`ll be off now
It`s back to the lunchbox and worker management rows
There`s gotta be more to this old life than this
Scrimping and saving and crossing off lists

2. The Smiths - Frankly, Mr. Shankly

(From 'The Queen Is Dead')

Considering Morrissey famously sang "I was looking for a job and then I found a job - and heaven knows I'm miserable now", it's no surprise he'd end up writing another song about hating the boss of his record company (Geoff Travis - who apparently did write bloody awful poetry).

Frankly, Mr. Shankly, this position I've held
It pays my way but it corrodes my soul...

I want to leave
You will not miss me
I want to go down in musical history

Who wouldn't feel more fulfilled making Christmas cards for the mentally ill?

Still Mr. Travis might console himself with the knowledge that Morrissey could probably have written the same lyrics about any of the many, many record company bosses he's encountered since leaving Rough Trade. Well, when you go in with that kind of attitude...

1. Johnny Paycheck - Take This Job And Shove It

(From 'The Best of Johnny Paycheck')

There were a lot of country songs on this list, even for a good old boy such as myself, but jacking in your job is obviously a recurring theme in that genre - probably more so than any other. And there's none more direct than this old classic from the aptly named Johnny Paycheck... can you think of anything better to sing as you're walking out the door?



If you can, leave it with your keys in the comments...


Saturday, 16 July 2011

The Murdoch Dream




I had a dream the other night that I was taking a long taxi journey with Rupert Murdoch. I know what you're thinking - "that's not a dream, Rol, that's a nightmare!" Far better to take a trip with Matt Murdock or Howling Mad Murdock - hell, even a nice bottle of Dandelion & Murdock... but this was one of those weird dreams where everything was upside down and nothing was where it should be. I actually ended up feeling sorry for the old geezer.

In the dream, I was a former Murdoch employee who'd been fired by the original Mr. Burns for daring to take a stand against his dubious and devious ways. Well, you're always the hero in your own dreams, aren't you? Except when you're the victim. Or the murderer. Or... Dr. Octopus... (Just me?) I was taking my former boss to an employment tribunal and, for whatever illogical dream reason, we'd been forced to share a cab. I guess all the chauffeur-driven limos were on strike that day.

But as the journey progressed, I came to see old crinkly in a new light. He didn't mean to do all those bad things, he told me, it was the only way to get people to take notice of him. He hadn't always wanted to rule or ruin the world, but when the world treated him badly as a little boy... hating him, shunning him, pulling his underpants so far up his the crack of his backside the waistband hooked over the tops of his ears... he had no choice but to fight back. Yet he'd give up all the crooked chicanery and dastardly megalomania in a heartbeat if he could just find One True Friend. Till then, like Richard III before him, since he could not prove a lover... he was determined to prove a villain. There were tears in his eyes and he didn't wring his fingers once during the whole damned journey.

Like I say, my heart went out to him. The best bad guys are always the ones you can empathise with. The ones of whom you can think, "there but for the grace of god..."

But it was only a dream. And at no point did I ever consider saying, "I'll be your friend, Rupert". Which I suppose goes to show that I'm hardly a hero myself, even in my own dreams. No way I'm philanthropic enough to make such a grave personal sacrifice. Ugh - could you imagine?


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